Posted by Absent Minded Farmer on June 17, 2013 at 11:07:34 from (68.114.237.14):
I was going to change my handle to "Formerly Crazy", but.... it leaves the question "What have I progressed to?". Crazier? Completely freakin' nuts? No. I figured out that I wasn't going crazy after all. I have an anxiety/panic disorder. Didn't realize it until a few months ago.
Or... I should say it didn't sink in. I had been seeing a therapist for the last five years, trying to figure out what's wrong. What I gathered, at the time, was that I'm just a naturally angry individual, cursed by thinking too much & worrying about the world & hating 99% of the population of the planet. It just seemed to get worse with time. Also, I'm not too big on drugs, so pills were/are out of the question.
My therapist passed about a week before my birthday, this past February. After the year I had last year (drout, two deaths, my big tractor gave up the ghost, Ma's bad news about her diabetes, etc.), I just put it off dealing with it for about a month. Just wanted to digest what happened & my new course of action. In that months time, I stifled every emotion & concentrated on my (model railroading) work in the basement.
About the last week of March, I found a replacement tractor. It was affordable & twice the tractor it is replacing. Couldn't have been happier! The night before the tractor was to arrive, I awoke at 2:00 AM sharp! Just like someone flipped on a switch! I was hot, then I was freezing. My heart was ready to jump out of my chest & there was such a knot in my stomach, I could feel the knotted muscle with my hand, just below the ribs. Could only make it to the door of the bathroom before I was violently ill. After about an hour into cleaning up the bathroom, the knot in my stomach dissolved & what I liken to an electrical charge flowing through my body was gone. Vanished!! Like there wasn't nothing wrong in the first place. So, I finished up & went out for a Camel & debate my next course of action.
It wasn't the first time that had happened, where I was randomly upset & up sick, at the "flick of a switch", in the middle of the night. As a matter of fact, it's happened two or three times a year, for about the last ten years now. But, there was no rhyme or reason for it. No similarities between episodes, just the outcome. I really needed to figure out what it is.
Call me silly, but the best way I can put it is, I had a phobia about becoming phobic or a hypochondriac if I read up on what the good Doctor was telling me was wrong with me. So, I never read up on what I was supposed to. Duh! I asked Ma to borrow her Kindling(?)one of those new electric book things)) & promptly bought & downloaded a copy of the DSM IV (I love Amazon!). I read up on Anxiety disorder. It was a close fit. Then, I happened upon Panic disorder. Oh boy! That fit 100%! It was then that I realized I was finally on top of the mountain glaring down at my enemy. And what's this? There's 10 million things I can do about it before I have to start worrying about taking pills? Yippie! For once in years, I felt better AND hopeful. My elation lasted about a week.
From about mid-April to mid-May, things got worse - ten-fold! The stress had been less, but the panic attacks at night increased, leading to more anxiety during the day. I was beginning to feel that my surroundings are cold & stark. There was no warm feeling. I really felt as though I was dying. So, one cold, dead feeling morning, I sat down & pulled out the Good Book. Read it cover to cover in a day & a half. Am I cured? No. Have I found God? No, I didn't know He was lost.... just me. Have I been saved? No, God never tossed me out of his house for "peeing on the carpet", He only asked that I clean up after myself & Apologize. Am I out to be a humorist, here? No, I'm telling it like it is but condensed through analogy.
Anyhow, I never gleaned what was important from the Bible as a dumb kid. I always heard the same stories over & over & they became bland, passé even. So, I just tuned it out after a while.
Now, I've notice something. After thirty-five years of living & re-reading the Good Word, it sticks like sawmill gravy. All the stories, parables & deeds both good & bad, read like I had been reading them all this time. It's also calming. So, now when I wake up to a panic attack, I get to reading. The attack is gone after a few pages.
I have also come to the conclusion, that I've been a real schmuck here on the site. For that, I apologize to everyone here. I have been arrogant, presumptuous, short tempered, foul, rude, opinionated & I AM SORRY. I know I'm missing a thing or two, but they'll be accounted for, once I remember. I will do everything it takes to be "good people" & if I can't be good, I will bite my tongue & sit on my hands. Also, if I'm missing the point or something I say just doesn't come out quite right.... FOR PETE'S SAKE SAY SOMETHING! Can't learn if I don't know, just like I didn't know until I read. I also plan on learning 'till my last breath, so don't think my brain will be retiring, at all.
As for the new handle, I am absent minded. Always have been, always will be. I overthink everything & usually overlook the basic.
Am I looking for praise & a medal & a pat on the head for this. Nope. Just explaining what's been going on & a bit about why I am the way I am.
One more thing, speakin' about learning: The last thing that stuck in my head, the last thing my therapist told me was D.L.T.B.G.Y.D. - Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down i.e. you don't need to hold the weight(worries) of the world on your shoulders.
Regards to all, Mike (Formerly: Crazy Red Power)
P.S. This post is indeed tractor related. For what effects my life, effects what I do, agriculturally or otherwise. If you would like, I can tie this post into the tractor theme even further. If it weren't for my therapist's two Uncles from Fargo, Maurice & Doug, you cats wouldn't have any Steiger tractors to play with.
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