I Was Crazy Once....

I was going to change my handle to "Formerly Crazy", but.... it leaves the question "What have I progressed to?". Crazier? Completely freakin' nuts? No. I figured out that I wasn't going crazy after all. I have an anxiety/panic disorder. Didn't realize it until a few months ago.

Or... I should say it didn't sink in. I had been seeing a therapist for the last five years, trying to figure out what's wrong. What I gathered, at the time, was that I'm just a naturally angry individual, cursed by thinking too much & worrying about the world & hating 99% of the population of the planet. It just seemed to get worse with time. Also, I'm not too big on drugs, so pills were/are out of the question.

My therapist passed about a week before my birthday, this past February. After the year I had last year (drout, two deaths, my big tractor gave up the ghost, Ma's bad news about her diabetes, etc.), I just put it off dealing with it for about a month. Just wanted to digest what happened & my new course of action. In that months time, I stifled every emotion & concentrated on my (model railroading) work in the basement.

About the last week of March, I found a replacement tractor. It was affordable & twice the tractor it is replacing. Couldn't have been happier! The night before the tractor was to arrive, I awoke at 2:00 AM sharp! Just like someone flipped on a switch! I was hot, then I was freezing. My heart was ready to jump out of my chest & there was such a knot in my stomach, I could feel the knotted muscle with my hand, just below the ribs. Could only make it to the door of the bathroom before I was violently ill. After about an hour into cleaning up the bathroom, the knot in my stomach dissolved & what I liken to an electrical charge flowing through my body was gone. Vanished!! Like there wasn't nothing wrong in the first place. So, I finished up & went out for a Camel & debate my next course of action.

It wasn't the first time that had happened, where I was randomly upset & up sick, at the "flick of a switch", in the middle of the night. As a matter of fact, it's happened two or three times a year, for about the last ten years now. But, there was no rhyme or reason for it. No similarities between episodes, just the outcome. I really needed to figure out what it is.

Call me silly, but the best way I can put it is, I had a phobia about becoming phobic or a hypochondriac if I read up on what the good Doctor was telling me was wrong with me. So, I never read up on what I was supposed to. Duh! I asked Ma to borrow her Kindling(?)one of those new electric book things)) & promptly bought & downloaded a copy of the DSM IV (I love Amazon!). I read up on Anxiety disorder. It was a close fit. Then, I happened upon Panic disorder. Oh boy! That fit 100%! It was then that I realized I was finally on top of the mountain glaring down at my enemy. And what's this? There's 10 million things I can do about it before I have to start worrying about taking pills? Yippie! For once in years, I felt better AND hopeful. My elation lasted about a week.

From about mid-April to mid-May, things got worse - ten-fold! The stress had been less, but the panic attacks at night increased, leading to more anxiety during the day. I was beginning to feel that my surroundings are cold & stark. There was no warm feeling. I really felt as though I was dying. So, one cold, dead feeling morning, I sat down & pulled out the Good Book. Read it cover to cover in a day & a half. Am I cured? No. Have I found God? No, I didn't know He was lost.... just me. Have I been saved? No, God never tossed me out of his house for "peeing on the carpet", He only asked that I clean up after myself & Apologize. Am I out to be a humorist, here? No, I'm telling it like it is but condensed through analogy.

Anyhow, I never gleaned what was important from the Bible as a dumb kid. I always heard the same stories over & over & they became bland, passé even. So, I just tuned it out after a while.

Now, I've notice something. After thirty-five years of living & re-reading the Good Word, it sticks like sawmill gravy. All the stories, parables & deeds both good & bad, read like I had been reading them all this time. It's also calming. So, now when I wake up to a panic attack, I get to reading. The attack is gone after a few pages.

I have also come to the conclusion, that I've been a real schmuck here on the site. For that, I apologize to everyone here. I have been arrogant, presumptuous, short tempered, foul, rude, opinionated & I AM SORRY. I know I'm missing a thing or two, but they'll be accounted for, once I remember. I will do everything it takes to be "good people" & if I can't be good, I will bite my tongue & sit on my hands. Also, if I'm missing the point or something I say just doesn't come out quite right.... FOR PETE'S SAKE SAY SOMETHING! Can't learn if I don't know, just like I didn't know until I read. I also plan on learning 'till my last breath, so don't think my brain will be retiring, at all.

As for the new handle, I am absent minded. Always have been, always will be. I overthink everything & usually overlook the basic.

Am I looking for praise & a medal & a pat on the head for this. Nope. Just explaining what's been going on & a bit about why I am the way I am.

One more thing, speakin' about learning: The last thing that stuck in my head, the last thing my therapist told me was D.L.T.B.G.Y.D. - Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down i.e. you don't need to hold the weight(worries) of the world on your shoulders.

Regards to all,
Mike
(Formerly: Crazy Red Power)

P.S. This post is indeed tractor related. For what effects my life, effects what I do, agriculturally or otherwise. If you would like, I can tie this post into the tractor theme even further. If it weren't for my therapist's two Uncles from Fargo, Maurice & Doug, you cats wouldn't have any Steiger tractors to play with.

Thank you for being candid and I'm glad you feel better. I wish I could find the same "peace of mind".

you aint alone...been dealing with anxiety and depression all my life...when i quit drinking it really showed up...been on meds past 15 years and they have saved alot of lives from my anger.
fwiw a panic attack can kill you,so don't shrug them off if it gets bad.
your therapist gave you a good saying to live by...hang in there

You have a serious problem - you"re a human being like the rest of us.

Use your Bible like the tool its meant to be. If you don"t have one, get a concordance to help you find scriptures pertinent to what you need.

Glad you"ve found your way.

Self improvement is a good thing, just as much as how you treat others. I think the fact that a person takes an interest in themselves, to make improvements, fix and repair, no different than a tractor, is a wonderful thing, you'll get to the point where you'll be just down to polishing the finish. Maybe I filter some things out, your handle was a regular here for a long time, maybe I missed it, everyone gets cranky, maybe mis-state something, get short or defensive, and or any combination of things, its a human thing LOL !

I think highly of a person that does what it takes to "right a wrong" fix a mistake, better'n being lazy and let it slide.

Anger is never a good thing, whatever or whomever you're mad at, then owns you lock stock and barrel. That my friend is a lot easier said than done, some people never have that trouble, others struggle with it, have a good heart, intentions never easy once you get to the boiling point. I think age helps, I know it has with me, something or someone gets under your skin, it can be very difficult to cool off, walk away or just recognize its not worth it and it never is, just sometimes hard to see, you need a spotter like when lifting weights, get into trouble, someone has your back.

The panic thing I've not had experience with, I think everyone gets anxiety to some degree, some worse than others, good to be able to keep that in check, figure out what works best for a person etc. I'm thinking the panic attack is like when you have a deer in the cross hairs and you're about to take the shot. I don't know what it is, after all these years, but I still get it once in awhile and then take a step back, some deep breathing to calm so it does not effect my shot, most times it does not happen. Feels like you just ran a mile or so, heart pounding, its really an odd thing, I don't like it one bit, calm one minute the next you wonder if your heart is going to find a weakness in it. Hopefully you can augment this with a medical professional just to keep an eye on things. Won't say much about the good book here, given religion and politics can incite things, certainly a good thing, I've always like the parables myself.

Well I'm glad you said what your handle used to be because I couldn't remember this new one ever saying the things you claim to have said.

That being said,you don't know how close you are to describing my life and my mood. Except for the therapist thing and reading the bible to calm down,I'm familiar with the rest of it daily,so don't ever think you're alone in this.

Btdt!! God IS all around us, just waiting for us to face up and say we need some help. Thanks for posting. Takes a BIG man to say them few words.

A lot of what you have said applies to most everyone in some form/degree or another. I pretty much avoid the news for the same reasons as you have described about the world. I do find the more I converse with The Lord through The Bible the better I feel and with others who believe as I do and we spiritually give each other a lift. I am going to try and have my email open (if I can figure it out) - I have a short email of a list of scriptures for a partivular situation - called God's Yellow Pages.

Knowledge protects and ignorance endangers!!
Keep on learning about your condition and your body's reactions to it.
My wife (and I) too have gone through a steep learning curve about panic attacks. The 3am attacks indicate the involvement of your adrenal glands being out of balance, and in my wife's case, it was a deficiency of Magnesium and Vitamin B1. Not until we found a naturopathic/homeopathic doctor did we have any success.
Good luck and keep striving.

One of the more difficult problems to overcome is to stop thinking NEGATIVE thoughts. When you catch yourself in that MODE of thought. STOP IT!.
When I get myself cured of it I will let you know what you are missing.
I had started to tell myself that I hated everyone, and I was really getting to where I felt that way. I try not to do that anymore. Negative thoughts are a self destructive path, that is easy to get onto, because it is a downhill slide.
Good Luck
SDE

Mike,

Good to hear things are settling down for you.I have some small tin railroad company signs I found in a house we renovated.I have no use for them.Would you like them? Free of course as I want someone to appreciate them.Email is open.

Vito

I found the link.
Gods Yellow Pages

I knew M aurice and Doug in the late 60's - early 70's. Visited with Doug a few times over the years.

glad your feeling better,hang in there

In a certain Lodge I belong to we give a new mwmber a Bible with the admonishment that it is a road map for life. Nuff said, traveling East.

I'm glad to hear that you've found some relief.
While I do not suffer from the same ailments, I have found like
you that you are never alone and there's no reason to be cranky.
Enjoy your hobbies, (trains are way cool) your family and friends.
None of us last forever. Although our tractors might.

Are we talking Bi-Polar of Manic Depressive?
For your highs and lows you should get some counseling and perhaps some light meds?

Howdy Gordo, the best way I can explain it is, the anxiety & panic issues have led to moodiness & depression. If I were to keep travelling down the road I was on, manic depression would be the least of my worries. I left a link below if you would like to read up on panic disorders.

I am currently between psychiatrists, as the one I'm currently seeing is about an hour south of me & she doesn't accept my insurance. One visit to her is the same as the price of a new water pump for my H. So, I'm looking for someone closer that takes my insurance.

I am on a light med for sleeping & it also has a great effect on anxiety issues. It's called Mirtazapine. Works good, but I need to do more about my train of thought, kick the Camels & coffee & a few other things.

Mike
Poke here.....

Thank You! It's slow going, but being able to start enjoying things again feels good & is good therapy.

Mike

It certainly is!

Mike

Thanks, will do!!

Mike

Neat! If you ever heard about a nephew named Fred, that's who I was seeing. I really, really miss that man. Never realized how much of a friend he was until he passed. Simply an amazing & inspiring person.

Mike

Sounds great! The link didn't work though, but I did a search. Is it the one through Divinepeace?

Mike

I would cherish them & just in the nick of time. I'm in the process of arranging my signs to hang up in the stairwell to the basement. I'll send out an email in the morning.

Thanks,
Mike

The negative thoughts are the big obstacle at the moment. I wish there was a switch to turn it off, but this is not something I want to take shortcuts on. At the moment, I'm happy that I can recognize what's going on & so far, the best I can do is remove myself from the situation before I go off. Working on a train of positive thoughts has also been helpful.

Thanks,
Mike

That sounds familiar about the adrenal gland. I'll be reading up on that. Wouldn't mind seeing a homeopathic doctor. I really don't want to get into serious meds UNLESS absolutely necessary

I will certainly keep on learning, it makes me feel alive!

Thanks,
Mike

I've suffered with this crap for years. Since you enjoy reading the Bible, I also recommend anything by James Allen. If we could only practice what we preach!

You've made some very good moves toward health. One of the most helpful things I've ever heard re this is the AA prayer "God help me to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and give me the wisdom to know the difference"
Thumbs up on the good therapists: Don't waste time with the Homeopathic doctor...most of that stuff is just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo designed to relieve you of your hard earned $.

Yes, that's it. Hope you find it helpful!

I'll look into it.

Thanks,
Mike

Thanks, I'll check it out in the morning. It sounds enlightening.

Mike

I feel fortunate that I can look up voluntarily now & didn't wait 'till I'm looking up through the turf.

It wasn't an easy post. Took me a week or so to get up the nerve.

Mike

The therapist & Bible aren't for everyone. The third biggest help so far, for me, was mentally grabbing my soul & saying HEY! THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT SCHTUFF!! Since the first time I did that, it's been just a hair easier to do when I need to. Being able to mentally bring yourself to a happy place helps, too.

Mike

The panic episodes can be brought on by some of the simplest things, like walking up the stairs. It's rather infuriating, but I won't let it get to me. Getting mad at myself for getting mad about something could trigger an anxiety attack. As funny as it sounds, it's quite true.

The panic attack feels like you just drank a few pots of coffee in one sitting or what I would liken to a zap from lightning, minus the burns. Nauseated &/or agitated, not a whole lot of focus, heart ready to jump out of my chest. Uncertain if I'm going to die or not. Pretty close to what you described right before you take your shot. Not much fun. It has been a little worse lately, but it's because I know what it is so now I subconsciously focus on it. So, every once & a while, it'll sneak up on me. The weather hasn't helped much, but I'm exceptionally grateful for all the rain (guess there was a reason for the drought?). It one of those Mysteries.

I second that about the parables. I tried to make the religious part as brief as I could so as not to offend. Still in awe about my findings!

Mike

"You have a serious problem - you"re a human being like the rest of us." - Nancy Howell

I love it!! I'll be sure to remember that the next time I'm working myself into a better mood. It really brought a smile to my face.

A Bible concordance? I haven't heard of one of those in a while. I'll have to ask my Ma, I believe she still has one.

Thank You,
Mike

Congratulations!! for the first six paragraphs I kept saying to myself: he needs to ditch the therapist and pick up a Bible. Now you need to get yourself into a good Bible preaching church so that you are sure that you are getting the correct meaning in what you are reading. If you haven't come across it yet the Bible tells us that we are to fellowship with other believers.