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Tractor Talk Discussion Forum

OT--Newspaper Humor

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noncompos

10-10-2007 17:46:51




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Cleaning out some old files; ran across this clipping (no date or source) but probably legit:
Double-Take Column Heads:
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies;
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers;
Miners Refuse To Work After Death;
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over;
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant;
Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide;
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told;
New Study Of Obesity Seeks Larger Group;
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks;
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half;
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds dead;
Sisters Reunited After 18 Years At Checkout Counter.
(Sounds like a lot of proofreaders"ve been laid off!).

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Pooh Bear

10-12-2007 04:51:34




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 Re: OT--Newspaper Humor in reply to noncompos, 10-10-2007 17:46:51  
HOSPITAL CHARTS
(Taken from actual hospital charts.)
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-r@ted and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both bre4sts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genita1ia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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Pooh Bear

10-12-2007 00:14:21




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 Re: OT--Newspaper Humor in reply to noncompos, 10-10-2007 17:46:51  
You forgot:

Hospital sued by seven foot doctors

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Is there a ring of debris around Uranis?

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

NJ judge to rule on nude beach

Dr. Ruth to talk about s3x with newspaper editors

Soviet v1rg1n lands short of goal again

Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Squad helps dog bite victim

Dealers will hear car talk at noon

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

War dims hope for peace

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Man is fatally slain

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

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bradley martin

10-11-2007 03:20:34




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 Re: OT--Newspaper Humor in reply to noncompos, 10-10-2007 17:46:51  
Thanks for the laugh!



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rrlund

10-11-2007 06:54:55




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 Re: OT--Newspaper Humor in reply to bradley martin, 10-11-2007 03:20:34  
Yep,those kind of things turn up now and then. Always good for a smile.



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