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OT--what can I do for a dying friend?

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Brian in NY

08-11-2006 10:36:22




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Guys, My neighbor and friend whom I bought my house and property from and whom still holds the mortgage has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's only got a month or so to live, but is at home, being cared for by hospice. Wife says he is just skin and bones. I'll be quite honest. I keep coming up with excuses to avoid going to see him. I am a bit afraid to go visit him. Don't really know why. Maybe something to do with him being the same age as my father and not wanting to deal with the reality of death. I feel horrible about it, yet I just can't work up the grit to get over there since I learned he was definately not going to live. I feel worse about it with every passing day. Could you guys give me some perspective here?
Also...what would one say or do for a fella during his final weeks? He's a lifelong farmer by the way, but is no longer physically able to take one last ride, etc.

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IBorange in TX

08-11-2006 20:22:52




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
B...
There is a lot of good advice here. May I suggest, just "bite the bullet" and go to see the person. He is your friend, show him that that is still the feeling. Ask if there is anything that you can do for him. I had a friend who I had worked with. He came down w/brain tumor w/4months to live. Drs told him to go home and get everything together. When I visited him, I asked, is there anything that I can do for you. His reply was extremely difficult for me to muster. Yes, I want you to help me build my casket, was his reply. I had lumps in my throat for several days, but they went away while we laughed and worked on his casket. You can build your own casket in Texas. Last words: go see the guy, show him that the friendship still exist. Good Luck..... ..

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Hobo,NC

08-11-2006 19:45:49




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
My dad spent a whole year on hiz back dieing form cancer. It really put a strain on the family. Friends were welcome to come pay a visit. I went and brought to new recliners a nice conferrable couch hope’in if I made it comfortable the would sit awhile. The time that friends and family stayed would let who ever wuz the care taker at the time git away even if it wuz to go out side and do a little yard werk, go clean the house, just git away. I had a uncle who would come by git in a recliner and cuzz dad wus in and out he would rest hiz self and stay for hours and that let me go take care of my business of git to spend sum time with my kids. Your visit may be more help than you think and give the immediate family a needed break, actuly they are the ones in need of support more so than yer friend, he should by now no hiz faith. I recommend to all who goes thru this to make it comfortable for the visitors and splain why I fell the need. it’s a hell of a way to go and I do not wish it on nobody.

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Secret Squirrel

08-11-2006 18:14:56




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
I run a small tractor shop and I had a friend go like this a few years back. He was a lifesaver to me more times than I can report here. I asked him what could I do for him, knowing I could never do for him, what he had done for me. He just smiled, and he said, Boy I could'nt have farmed with out you. Just keep the shop going for my son, and check on the misses. She however had a stroke and died a week or two before he did. It has been several years now, but his son has done well and I try to do my best to help him along. I had two good friends like this, both gone. But I can still here them say, "If you want to help me, help my family". The other used to say "No matter what always be fair with people".

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blg

08-11-2006 17:29:45




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
lost my best friend a year ago to cancer,it was a long year to watch him get worse by the month.took him to his treatments and spent time with him afterwards .what sickness and pain he went threw.we spent a lot of time just talking of past times,tractors,horses and cows.was there the night he passed on.you just being there is what is important. the rest will be easy,god bless



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Midwest redneck

08-11-2006 17:23:17




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Remember that if you Dont go over to see him you will regret it for the rest of your life, not his. My grandfather died in 1998 and the last time I saw him was March of 1997, I could have, Should have gone down to see him in Florida before he had surgery, which he died from. As far as seeing him just talk to him like you normally would even if he wasnt ill. He needs friends, family and comfort in the last days. My father in Law will be gone before the end of the year, he has terminal cancer, My wife goes to see him every week and takes my 5 year old son. I will be seeing him next weekend. Remember that the greatest thing that you can do now is be there for him and spend time with him.

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vernMN

08-11-2006 17:05:07




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Go see him. And always remember him as he was in the good days and not as you might see him now.

Don't feel akward as I said look at him and remember what he was before and not now.

You will treasure this visit for the rest of your life.



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buickanddeere

08-11-2006 15:50:44




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
In the Old Testiment Job's friends set an ideal example for the 1st week.



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Midwest redneck

08-11-2006 17:17:34




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to buickanddeere, 08-11-2006 15:50:44  
Amen..... And Job;s wife was a callus wench.



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Brian in NY

08-11-2006 13:11:45




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
To those who replied and to those who thought about it....a heartfelt thank you. Your honest guidance means the world to me. I am going over there early tommorrow if only to let him know that he is my friend and I will never forget him. The bunch of you will be in my thoughts as I visit with him.
Thanks again.



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MarkB_MI

08-11-2006 16:48:55




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 13:11:45  
Brian, you received a lot of good advice, and you won't regret going to see him.

Call ahead and check with whoever is taking care of him to find out when you should come. Many terminal cancer patients are on heavy painkillers; he may only be awake enough for visitors a few hours a day.

You don't need to worry about what to say. Just your presence will mean alot to your friend.



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Coldiron

08-11-2006 13:07:48




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian, Go see your friend before you have lost him and wish you had visited him. Give him a handshake (soft squeeze to his fragile hand) and ask him if there is anything you can do for him. We all have unfinished business or chores that we want to finish before the last day. He will appreciate that and know that you are a true friend to make sure that something that needs attention will be taken care of. I have shaken a few friends hands for the last time and it is hard but the memory of those visits will last for as long as I do. Go see your friend before it is to late.

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ShepFL

08-11-2006 12:42:46




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Lots of good advise here. I am going thru this right now with two very dear friends fighting the same battle. Here's some more insight.

ABOVE ALL ELSE REMEMBER THIS - This is the time to say what is in your heart to your friends and loved ones. Don't worry about tears or about saying things the "right" way. There will be no second chance once they are gone.

Everyone has different needs, of course, but some emotions are nearly universal among the dying. To make those last weeks or months as comfortable and stress-free as possible, here are a few pointers to keep in mind:

Your presence is everything. Dying people are often afraid of abandonment. They often gain tremendous comfort if their loved ones and frieds keep them company - talking, watching movies or simply reading together. Of course, some people would just as soon be left alone. The only way you'll know for sure is to ask.

Be prepared to listen.
Those who are dying may want to share their fears, discuss their uncertainty about the future and talk about their concerns for those they're leaving behind. Keep in mind, however, that men and women often express themselves in different ways. Men, for example, have a tendency to give advice when someone really just wants them to listen. Women, on the other hand, may push people to "let it all out."

Be honest and share information.
Family members naturally want to protect their loved ones, and sometimes they do this by withholding difficult information - news about lab test results, for example, or practical details about real estate or finances. It's usually better to be forthright. People who are dying need to retain a sense of control, and this means being included in family discussions.

Give a lot of reassurance.
Death is rarely the primary thing that people fear most later in life. Rather, most people don't want to be a burden on their family or friends, nor do they want to be in pain. Take the time to let the dying person know how much you value him and how grateful you are for the opportunity to spend this last time together.

Settle unfinished business.
Everyone has regrets - things they wish they'd done, old rifts they wish they'd healed, places they wish they'd seen. It's not always possible to fulfill last wishes for a dying person, but sometimes you can. So it's worth asking if there's anything you can do. For my one friend I am selling his farm equipment for him and with my BSA Troop we are keeping up the yard work.

Respect the need for privacy.
Stay attuned to the dying person's needs. Many people don't want others to see them in poor health.

Pray for them and with them and the family.
I believe that all who receive, by faith, the Lord Jesus Christ are born of the Holy Spirit, and thereby, become children of God.

Furthermore, I believe in the resurrection of the just and the unjust, the everlasting blessedness of the saved, and the everlasting punishment of the lost.

As John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Get help for the things you can't do.
Home hospices can help with medications and bumps in the medical road. A lawyer can help with legal issues, and the funeral director can help with burial planning.

God Bless

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Midwest redneck

08-11-2006 17:26:43




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to ShepFL, 08-11-2006 12:42:46  
Very well said, you should be a counsellor at a church.



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John A.

08-11-2006 12:25:51




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian, TODAY, get in your ol Pickup and make a beeline to see him! Since you said He ia about the same age as your Dad, Give him a great big ol hug, Love his neck, Look him in the eyes through your teary eyes and Nod. You don't have to say much. Just that you are there for them. It will mean the world th him and his family.
Do not delay any longer.
He might be wanting to talk to you but didn't want to impose on you, just hopeing you would come buy.
He probaably had a crop inthe field even now talk to him on how well every thing looks now, the weather, the need for rain, what Farmer doesn't talk about these things at anytime.
Being Southern Baptist myself, at some point we will visit about the LORD and their relationship with him. Does he belive or not. This sort of things if they comes right.
As other have said you will always regret it if you don't go. Comforting oneanother is what we are supposed to do. Just let him know he isn't ALONE.
Prayers are being lifted up for him and his family during this difficult time.
I pray for you to have the strength to be the neighbor, friend, The Lord wants you to be. And for you neighbor and his family. Take Care.
Later,
John A.

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Jerry/MT

08-11-2006 11:54:23




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Your friend knows he's dying but he's still your friend. Forget about your squeamishness and go visit him. Tell how much his friendship has meant to you over the years and that you're going to miss him. Ask himif there is any thing you can do for him. Tell him you'lleep him in your prayers and do it.
Do this today . Don't wait. If you don't do anything, when he passes on, you'll spend the rest of your days feeling sorry that you didn't visit him and then they'll be nothing you can do to put it right. Just go be a friend to him like he was a friend to you.

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farmer jones

08-11-2006 11:48:30




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Looks like it is 10 to 0 to go and go now. I been there and didn't and now I am sorry. just go, the rest of what to do will take care of it's self. good luck and God bless.



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Nolan

08-11-2006 11:42:49




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
I've had a number of friends and family die. Gotten pretty used to it many years ago. What I bring to the table is straight up talk. I'm not going to pat you on the hand and say how good you look. And I'm not going to avoid talking about the cancer and dying. A lot of folks have been real glad to be able to talk about their cancer or such as they die.

The fear you feel now is worse than the reality. Even as he really winds down to a dried out yellow bag of sticks it's not as bad as what you're imagining.

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MN Bob

08-11-2006 11:41:37




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian; Like so many have said, fear is ok, courage is when you overcome it. The man needs you. His wife and family need you. Call, then stop in, ask the wife/family how you can help. Then, visit and talk of the farm, his tractor or whatever, when the lull comes and the time is right, ask what he would have you do to help the family, or just tell him you are there for them and will aid in chores etc. If there is crops you and neighbors know what has to be done. You already know in your heart that going is the right thing. You know him, so if its right, pray with him, if not, pray for him. I am praying that the right answer comes to you now. Bob

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Nebraska Cowman

08-11-2006 11:27:02




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Dyin' is easy, it's the livin' that's hard. Just go see him. Go ahead and talk about dyin' he's already thinkin' about it.
third party image



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Dave from MN

08-11-2006 11:09:27




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Go see him and talk about whatever he wants to. I cant imagine knowing I may die and all of a sudden no one comes to visit. I lost 2 freinds and some very close relatives when I was younger that I did not go see for the same reasons you stated, and I to this day regret that I never went to see then them last weeks, months. I know better now.



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Vern_MI

08-11-2006 11:03:43




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian please go and see him. I would suggest that you call first to make sure that he is not in the process of puking his guts out or cleaning up after he has messed himself. He doesn't need the embarrasment of a visitor busting in on the scene in addition to everything else. Ask if he is up to a visit and if he needs anything that you could bring with you.

My uncle died from cancer and welcomed me stopping buy to shave him because he liked the way I cleaned the shaver after. You just never know what little thing may give them pleasure.

My 76 year old neighbor just died on June 6 and I happened to be there when he died. It was one of several trips that I made to see him and talk about anything that came to mind. I was helping him back into bed and he appeared to pass out. His heart muscles were so weak that they just gave out completely. It was a week after a pacemaker was installed to bring the heart rate up from 50 to 70 BPM. His heart muscles just couldn't take the extra strain.

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Bob85355

08-11-2006 10:58:44




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Know of a similar situation where the cancer victim had been involved with old cars most of his life. Picked up some books with lots of pictures of (now) antique cars. Made conversation easier.

Bob



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Iowa Bob

08-11-2006 10:58:10




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  

Go see him. I had a friend who was diagnosed with cancer couple of years ago seen him right away and once or twice a week while he was able to get around. When he was down in bed I was torn like you. I finally went thinking I won't stay long, well we are both from the same small town, we got to reminising about old times and the time went so fast I couldn't believe it. 15 or 20 minutes turned into a couple of hours. The best time I ever spent. Would do it again in a heart beat. Iowa Bob

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luckydog

08-11-2006 10:53:17




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian- Put yourself in his shoes, what would you like to see or have done for yourself! Do you want to live with the feelings of haveing the opertunity to see him and not doing so. Many of us have been in the same situation as you and many have different feelings on how to approch these kind of things. Let your concious(sp) be your guide. Bill



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Mr. Bill No. Mn.

08-11-2006 10:49:01




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian- Get over there and see him. He needs you more now than ever. Just being a friend is enough. Show him he is still your friend. I had the same thing happen to me. Had a close friend come down with lung cancer. Couldn"t stand to see him in that condition so didn"t go to visit. Have kicked myself ever since. I still think about how I should have gone and given him my support and didn"t. still haunts me. GO SEE HIM.-Bill

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thepinkpanther

08-11-2006 10:48:10




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
tough call brian.i am a lot like you,i dont know what to do or how to act in situations like this.i think you should go and see him and talk about things he likes to talk about.farming,tractors,cattle, or whatever.the only real good advice i can give you comes from my 90 year old granny.she is good at dealing with times like this.she always tells me me "you need to go seee them folks,it would make them feel better" my thoughts..... .....FWIW

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Butch ( PA )

08-11-2006 10:46:01




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Brian,
If you don't go you will regret it all the days of your life. I know I have some of those regrets. The best thing I know that you can say is that you love him and ask if there is anything you can do? At least show up and give his wife a hug and tell her that she is loved also.
Butch



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Harley

08-11-2006 10:43:48




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Brian in NY, 08-11-2006 10:36:22  
Been through this a couple of times and it's never easy, but the best thing you can do is be there for him. He is going to want company now at the last most of all. Talking about the old times, or just talking. There is nothing worse than going by yourself with no company. He will start to think that his life was meaningless if nobody stops by to say hello. Especially if he can't get up and about by himself. Look at it this way. It'll be tough for you for a little while, but think about what he's going through. Hope this helps, Harley

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KRUSS

08-11-2006 11:42:58




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to Harley, 08-11-2006 10:43:48  
Great advice, everyone! Yes, go see him, tough as it may SEEM to be. You will feel better and hopefully for a brief time so will he.



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Bob Da. (La)

08-11-2006 12:54:04




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 Re: OT--what can I do for a dying friend? in reply to KRUSS, 08-11-2006 11:42:58  
Nothing you can do for him,except make him feel unloved and unwanted because you don't stop in just to say "Hello". You will not be able to plan on what to say or do,just go love on him, listen, read to him, maybe help him into or out of bed. Even sitting quietly by and letting him know you are present will make his day. Yes, it is hard. Been through it several times myself,and it doesn't get easier,still,you already know in your heart it's the right thing to do. Good luck and God Bless. Prayers are for you and him and families and friends.Show him you love him. Bob D. (La)

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