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Tractor Talk Discussion Forum

Tools used in tractor destruction.

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Walt Davies

04-05-2007 08:37:02




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I think this is tractor related HUH;
I got to go out and use some of these tools today Wish me Luck. Got to work on a Massey Harris Bachhoe
What you never saw one.
Walt

Tools..... gotta have'em!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou sh$t...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CR AFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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omahagreg

04-06-2007 14:04:08




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
That is funny! You forgot tape measure-helpful when cutting the same board 3 times, and its still too short! Greg



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John S-B

04-06-2007 11:10:02




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
I have a whole chest of DAMMIT tools, along with a large selection of SOB and POS parts. I also use some MF adapters from time to time.



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Steve Crum

04-05-2007 16:51:01




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
Geez... and Dad always said all that was needed to destroy a tractor, truck, lawn mower, anvil,
_____ _ fill in the blank, was a hired man or a son.



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higgins

04-05-2007 14:00:04




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
You left off the power washer which is used to peel skin off toes and coat the wound with debris. And flip-flops to allow easier access to the toe skin....



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Brian in NY

04-05-2007 13:08:21




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
It amazes me how many of those definitions fit my experiences completely.



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rrlund

04-05-2007 10:18:09




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
You forgot TEACHER AND PREACHER. Loan your stuff to either and you'll get back a pile of rubble. :)



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Soldner

04-05-2007 09:56:59




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
Virgil, Now at 22, and having my own tools, i agree, except my dad is repaying me for all the tools i lost of his, by loosing many of the tools i lend him! Everything seems to balance out in the end!



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730virgil

04-05-2007 09:21:31




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 Re: Tools used in tractor destruction. in reply to Walt Davies, 04-05-2007 08:37:02  
that right there is funny i don't care who you are. darn i've been using some of those tools wrong. now i have to give that hammer to mrs 730 to make holes in wall. i thought it was to pound on finger nails and turn them a nice shade of black. i don't need to worry about using tools wrong as tall kid seldom puts them back where they belong. i started giving him his own to lose but he fooled me he keeps his in his tool box and still loses mine.

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