OT Funny - (but still involves combines)

His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over, the farmer said,

"Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking, with no comment to her husband.

As she put the dinner on the table, she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.

While she was bent over picking it up, the farmer said, "Honey, I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table and begins eating with no comment to her husband.

Later on that night, after the couple had gone to bed, the farmer started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife, he noticed that there was no response on her end.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up $ 500,000 dollars worth of machinery
for one little corn cob?"

The trip to Country Mouse's house required a shortcut across a field. So Town Mouse turned off the road at the proper place and proceeded across the field.

Just then she was scooped up by a passing combine that was harvesting the field that day. She was battered and bashed around something awful by that big old machine, but was lucky enough to be dumped back on the ground still alive.

Slowly she made her way to Country Mouse's house and knocked on the door. Country Mouse opened the door and saw her cousin, Town Mouse standing there all bruised and bloody with her clothes and fur a frightful mess.

"Oh my gracious!" she exclaimed. "What in the world happened to you?"

Town Mouse replied....."I was REAPED!"

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens!" "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING." Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The "school crossing" sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY."

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go, I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign..... ....it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood.

"NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR CHICKS!!"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes has a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government" says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.....this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.