(800) 853-2651
SHOP NOW

OT In a bind need advice

C

cj in wisconsin

Member
I have a close friend who has been diagnosed wwith terminal cancer and is not doing real well as of late. Yesterday we talked for a few hours and he told me what music he wanted to have played at his funeral. Nothing rap or outrageous, just a country song and a pop song. My problem is that his mother and sisters already have told him they would not do these songs for him. I gave him my word that if it was his wish that I would do it. Now how am I going to pull this off without causing a major ruckus with the family. Give me ideas, please! I was thinking of a couple options, but to me a man should have some say about his own funeral!!!!
 
I'd suggest he goes and has a talk with the funeral director. So long as he's an adult of legal age, I'd expect he's got the right to say what goes on at his own funeral.
 
In the words of Robert W Service, "a pal's last need is a thing to heed"! Like MF Poor said--talk to the funeral director and have him get it in writing--it's his funeral, after all.
 
I'd say his sisters and mom need a good ....talking to. ( Can't say what I really think).

I've had a number of friends and relatives die from cancer. My former neighbor died last week from kidney cancer. She planned the funeral, wrote her own obituary, made a list of people to contact, etc.
If his own kin can't abide by his own wishes, and we're only talking about some music, then maybe they should get a quick education from someone that won't hold back.
 
That's the one--memorized it for a speaking contest in 9th grade (and won) and still know it by heart, more than half a lifetime later!
 
By the men who moil for gold; the Actic trails have their secret tales that would make your blood run cold.....
 
Well, you need to let your friend know that his family is putting you in a bind.

He then needs to tell his mom that "Hey, I have asked cj to play a coulple of songs for me" ( have him tell them the titles).

Then do it.

Gene
 
i think thats really selfish of the mom and sister, a mans funeral is one time he should be comfortable his wishes will be carried out as he wants them
 
I agree with MF, if he's a competent adult he may well be able to enter into a contract with a funeral home similar to those pre planned funeral arrangements and set out (within reason) what is to take place at his funeral. Does he have a Will or Durable Power of Attorney or Health Care Power of Attorney in place?? They can address who has authority to act in his behalf should he later become incompetent.

You, not being a relative and absent any advance directives or powers of attorney (while hes alive) can ONLY tell him truthfully you will try and will speak to his relatives but you cant do much otherwise and Id not like to be in a position of lying to a dying person myself.

Best wishes for him and God Bless

John T
 
When my son passed away,(cancer to, age 31) my DIL had Trisha Yearwood's "How do I Live Without You" played at the funeral. Was hard to listen to at the time. The funeral director took care of it and had cleared it with the priest ahead of time.

Areo
 
Yup.

You are put into a tough position. Family gets to sit down with the funeral people, so you will be out of the loop.

A visit from you with his clergy now, if any, might help, (as well as the funeral director, if known) they have seen it all before and at least could help you as best as you can do anything.

If nothing else works out, someday later visit & play the songs & have a nice little quiet time - if any friends want to show up or not. Your friend will know and be happy, and it will be alright. You done good.

Best wishes to all.

--->Paul
 
I had a close friend die of cancer Oct25 and he wanted to be cremated which is still somewhat new but gaining in popularity here. He had told his family of his wishes ahead of time but some of his grown children didn't approve of the idea and for some strange reason the preacher was against it.
I didn't like the preacher anyway so it was easy for me to suggest he really didn't have a da88 thing to say about it and my friend had talked to me about it and told me to be sure he gets his last wishes. His kids respected me enough to know they were next so backed off and everything went well.
After everything was done the kids came and thanked me for doing what I did. I guess he had wrote each of them a letter to be opened after the funeral and evidently what he said to each of them must have been special.
His wife was in no position to be assertive at the time but she thanked me for making sure his last wishes were granted.
Its odd how some lowlife try to take advantage of a situation like this and turn it to their advantage.
 
One solution would be to have the organist play the songs softly in the background.Then the old biddies might not even know it.
 
If there is areception after the funeral, play them there? Announce that XXX wanted them played.

Gordo
 
If there is areception after the funeral, play them there? Announce that XXX wanted them played.

Gordo
 
I hesitate to reply this early, but here goes.
I lost My daughter the 8th of this month,same day as my sisters birthday who passed away 1 year ago.Daughter had ovarian cancer,and she along with the family decided on cremation. We honored her wishes to the end. The final wishes SHOULD BE FORMOST and that alone is primary.
In your case, the family should know you are carrying out the last wishes of your pal.LOVE AND RESPECT IS WHATS IT"S ALL ABOUT.!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would let em know that we all are going to our final reward at sometime,and I"m sure they would want their wishes carried out to the letter.
While I"m on here for now, I WANT TO THANK EACH AND EVERYONE who offered prayers .May God bless you all.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOU
 
I'm with John T on this. You really dont have a leg to stand on if he doesnt make some legal effort to get things squared away ahead of time. If he contracts with the funeral home, prepays for the funeral, and appoints you as an executor then it doesnt much matter what the family tries to say. If he doesnt do anything then all the legal cards are in their hand.
 
As one who has officiated at 30+ funerals a year for 10 yrs, I understand your concerns. The truth is that this funeral isn't for your friend, it's for family and friends. My advice is to tell the family that you are going to speak to the funeral director, and clergy, to inform them of his wishes. There are many ways and places to be able to carry out his wishes, so that everyone is given comfort. But, you also need to have an understanding of what this family is going through, you're losing a friend, but they're losing one of their own. Also, there are selections that are more appropriate for a celebration of everlasting life with Jesus.
 
Have them play it in the hearse on the way to the cemetary. That way the family doesnt hear it and if he can hear it, he'll be smilin.
 
Wow, you're in a tough, tough spot. I was put in charge of the songs for my daughter's funeral, but that was a whole different scenario. She passed suddenly so there was no time to prepare.

John T. is right, you have to be honest with your friend one way or the other. If you tell him you can't promise the songs, you'll feel like you are letting him down when he needs your help and friendship the most. At least you will always know you were honest with him. If you promise him the songs and they aren't played you have to live with the guilt the rest of your life.

I truly feel sorry for the mother because she is going through the most devastating event a person will endure, the loss of a child. However, she must not be open minded enough to be able to consider the feelings and last wishes of her child. The sister is merely siding with her domoneering mother.



You and your friend have my prayers. You are obviously very concerned for him or you wonldn't have reached out to us. Jim
 
If he can still get around pretty good go by and pick him up to go for a ride pretty quick. The undertaker here will do what ever you want for your funeral. He played a Bob Seger's Turn the Page for a guy who wanted it played, his wife and mother pitched a fit but he did it any way. That way it won't be your fault, you just took him by to make his plans.

Dave
 
My dad always told me, "I can tell folks what arrangements I want at my funeral, but after I die I won't have any further say in it." And he was right.

The best thing your friend can do, if he's able,is to write down--or have someone write down for him, with witnesses present,if he's unable to write them in his own hand--what his desires for his funeral are. Then if his family chooses to go against his wishes--and they do have that right, legally if not morally--then at least his wishes are on record.
 
i got everything spelled out in my will...no suit,no preacher,no fancy box or everything i own will go places my family dont approve of...each and every one mentioned in my will has a copy...end of story.
best wishes to you and your friend...i been there and its hard helping a friend you know is on his way out...good luck
 
I suppose it would depend on the actual songs he wants played. It doesn't sound like he has a very close family. Maybe the songs would point out his family is selfish or they are worried the songs will really upset them? What reasons does his family give? A lot of people have way closer ties to good friends than they do family. Not letting a person who's died have the the songs they wanted seems like one of the most selfish things anyone could do. If you can get him to put it in writing and have it notarized should help a lot. Having the funeral director/priest present would be even better. Dave
 
Well, for the first time I'm going to diverge a bit from John T...
Your friend is asking you to overrule his family, which places you in the middle of a family fight, where I assume you don't want to be...if you push it, they may well make this last days miserable arguing over it...
You've promised him it'd be done, so he can pass that much more comfortably...
If there's no hereafter, it's immaterial...(my personal belief)...
If he's in heaven, I doubt he'll care that much about songs at his funeral, and if you should meet him later he should thank you for trying to comfort him in his last days anxieties...
If he's anywhere else, he'll be too busy to care...
You made your friends last days easier; I see no reason for any kind of guilt here.
 
My father always said the hoopla was for those around the hole not the one in it & when you're on the way out is a time when someone else's opinion has no importance. If the family gets p.o'd, then t.s. to them. You promised, stand up.
 
Once again your lack of respect is very evident! I do agree that once he is dead he won't hear it. But it is my my mind an honor thing I wish to honor his request and his memory!
 
Once again your lack of respect is very evident! I do agree that once he is dead he won't hear it. But it is my my mind an honor thing I wish to honor his request and his memory!
 
Once again your lack of respect is very evident! I do agree that once he is dead he won't hear it. But it is my my mind an honor thing I wish to honor his request and his memory!
 
Absolutely right! It's just like everything else. The guy who pays the money calls the shots. If he tells the undertaker what he wants, the undertaker is obligated to follow his wishes. But that is about the last time "wishes" will be followed. My father started telling us his last wishes about a year before he died and by the time he got done he had even spelled out what my will should say and who the heirs should be. It took us about 2 minutes to decide to break his will and do it a completely different way.
 
In this world few things indeed are certain. I would simply explain to your friend the potential difficulty and assure him you will make a good faith effort to do your best that his wishes will be carried out. I suspect he will understand and your mind will be at peace.
 
How does anybody know he won't hear it? Anybody else been dead before? A lot of people believe in reincarnation. He might not be able to thank you but no one can say for sure that he won't hear it. Talking to and playing music has brought people out of coma's. Dave
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

P
RIP
2 3
Replies
41
Views
3K
dcarp
dcarp
N
Galion 104H
Replies
10
Views
508
Nolbyone
N
D
Looking for a JD 40 in Arkansas
Replies
9
Views
964
used red MN
U
D
You have a new JD convert. I'm gonna need some on-going advice
2 3
Replies
41
Views
2K
Poppy Johnny
Poppy Johnny
Geo-TH,In
OT: There are alternatives to burning wood.
2 3
Replies
59
Views
4K
INCase
I
Tractor Parts Tractor Manuals

We sell tractor parts! We have the parts you need to repair your tractor - the right parts. Our low prices and years of research make us your best choice when you need parts. Shop Online Today.

Copyright © 1997-2024 Yesterday's Tractor Co.

All Rights Reserved. Reproduction of any part of this website, including design and content, without written permission is strictly prohibited. Trade Marks and Trade Names contained and used in this Website are those of others, and are used in this Website in a descriptive sense to refer to the products of others. Use of this Web site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy TRADEMARK DISCLAIMER: Tradenames and Trademarks referred to within Yesterday's Tractor Co. products and within the Yesterday's Tractor Co. websites are the property of their respective trademark holders. None of these trademark holders are affiliated with Yesterday's Tractor Co., our products, or our website nor are we sponsored by them. John Deere and its logos are the registered trademarks of the John Deere Corporation. Agco, Agco Allis, White, Massey Ferguson and their logos are the registered trademarks of AGCO Corporation. Case, Case-IH, Farmall, International Harvester, New Holland and their logos are registered trademarks of CNH Global N.V.

Yesterday's Tractors - Antique Tractor Headquarters
Website Accessibility Policy

Back
Top