WAY OT--Honest Opinions Please

Hey guys, call me crazy but I"m looking to see how other real men from across this country (and into others too as I know this forum has guys overseas too) feel about this situation. Please keep the comments as clean and as short as possible so I can print them out.

Here"s the situation. Sorry I can"t get more detailed but that would take way too long. Just trust me, I came into the situation in the middle when I got married and have seen and heard both sides from multiple sources so I"ve seen what did and didn"t jive on both sides. So, here it is in a nutshell...

A man and a woman get together and she gets pregnant. She tells him she is pregnant but he claims it isn"t his. Due to medical complications the date of conception spans a broad time frame in which she ended one relationship and started another so it may not be his but then again it may. Folling the birth, where she almost lost the child, she was faced with the demands of a premee that was 3 months early, and almost lost her job and house over the ordeal from having to take so much time off to care for the child. All this time he was been nowhere around. Fast forward about three years and he sees a pic and thinks the child looks like him. So he goes to a lwayer and says he want"s to establish paternity and have visitation so to do that he files a lawsuit asking not for what he says wants, but asking to take the child away from the mother and have her pay him support. This process gets strung on for two years until court.

Court day arrives and after all is said and done he gets 4 hours supervised visitation ever other weekend and ordered to pay support. On the supervised visits she ends up paying the childs way for activities, as well as for food, etc. In 6 months of them he pays everything only three times but can pay his step grandaughter"s way when she comes as well as buying presents for both kids.

Now the kicker, in 6 months he has never paid a full month of support nor paid what he does pay on time. He is self employeed doing siding, general carpentery, etc, and his claim is that there isn"t any work so he can"t pay, or that his back hurts too bad to work. Better yet he rides around and makes trips to Wal-Mart because he is board, turns off his phone so he can nap in the middle of the day without being disturbed, etc etc.

In conversations with him, he now want"s unsupervised visitation every other weekend, is filing for disability because of back problems, is planning to ask for the support to be reduced, takes ongoing careo f a horse, two large birds, several dogs, and a cat...that we know of.. then doesn"t really feel the child has a right to say what she want"s to do (she"s 6) because it isn"t what he want"s to hear, etc etc etc. Meanwhile the child, against his wishes, expresses no desire to spend a weekend with him without me or her mom present, likes spending time with him only because he buys gifts at the visitations, etc etc.

I know I used "etc" alot but I think you can get the general idea of the situation. So, my question, (and please keep the answers short, clean, but not necessarily sweet, LOL) what do ya"ll real men think of a guy like that???? I believe I know the answers but I"m curious since I know this board covers such a wide demographic of guys in age, etc. Thanks for any responses.

Guy needs his head examined. Almost sounds like he wants custody so he can get welfare?

I think this guy is a good for nuthin piece of shite. He sounds like a lazy bum thats full of excsuses and lies. Heck im 20 and work a heck of a lot more than this guy

Unless I missed it you left out the most important point. Did they do a test to see if he is the father? If not, why not? Tom

ahhh, you missed the part of telling us whether or not the kid was his. I assume there was a paternity test?

Has it ever been determined through a DNA test that the child is in fact his?

If not reschedule another hearing and un-adopt this leech.

Yep, sounds like it to me too. Take the kid and get a check one the rest of us's dime. There was a time and place when some one like this would find them selves tied to a stump and getting a whip cracked over their back in the middle of the night but I guess that is what we call progress. (I have heard tell of a man like that about 50 years ago that would not work because of a bad knee, had 3 hungry kids. Got his back striped one night and he ran 8 miles before sun up!!!!)

Dave

What do I think of him?
Not much....
Best to leave it at that.

Rod

Sorry SOB trying to use the kid to get a handout. He needs to prove paternity. Not sure that I'd want to marry a woman who has kids and doesn't know who the Daddy is, though. Hey, you asked for opinions. That's mine.

Sounds to me like you are in some way related to this story. The typical person would not get involved with the exception of family. Run like the wind bullseye.

In answer to the questions, unfortunately DNA says the child is biologically his.....If it didn't you can bet the mother would have no more to do with him than she did after he left her on her own for all those years. The problem now is not only does she not get the support payments she/WE also have a very large attorney bill we've got to pay off now on top of the bills she and I already had seperately before we got married. What we hope is that the judge only gave him the chance the law afforded him when we went to court the first time, because it said basically she 'had to'give him a chance and enough rope to hang himself or not... Now we've just got to get the judge to see things as they are at the review, assign us attorney fees (whether he can pay them or not is a different story) and leave the frequency and duration of the visits up to the child and/or me and her mom.

Those that do, please pray for us, those that don't, at least cross your fingers....THANKS

Yes, I'm involved in a big way. I married the mother who is a wonderful, hardworking woman who made a mistake that, in the end, gave her a beautiful little girl that she and I both love more than anything. My problem here is I hate to see a woman put through what she went through and struggle like she did only for the "biological father" to be able to pop up like he did and do what he did....HE HAD NEVER SEEN NOR HAD ANY CONTACT WITH THE CHILD OTHER THAN SEEING THE PICTURE WHEH THE SUIT WAS FILED.... Said paternity and visitation was all he wanted but never bothered to have the suit ammended in the course of nearly two years and through two different lawyers so no matter what he said he wanted the court was being asked for something totally different that had to be fought against. Funny thing is the child isn't mine biologically but I've willingly paid more to fight for her custody as well as for her care than he has or probably ever will. I may not be her father but I'm dang sure her Daddy....

give jerry springer a call!.....wonder if he has any tractor talk?

YOu in western Ky? I heard that same story that happened in Northwest Tn about that long ago. Actually heard it from one of he guys kids. Said he straightened right up after that and took care of his family.

Wayne, it seems that this guy is really pushing his luck.. He may get more than he bargained for, such as paying lots of back child support, medical bills, etc.. And from what you say, The court may not allow him unsupervised visits with a daughter of that age.. I hate that you all are having to go through that, but in the end, I think you will win.

Have to wonder why the woman picked that guy to sleep with in the first place. If he is the father she and her child will be dealing with the clown for the rest of their lives. Any guy that is not the father should run away.

Guess folks in this part of the world thought alike at one time. It "supposidly" happened in north west Ky. Old boy went to the law and pressed charges cause he thought he knew who did it. He reconised the bull whip. When they went to court the guy who owned the whip showed fuel recipts and load tickets that proved he was delivering cattle to St Louis MO the night it happened. Judge said the "cripple" was just try'n to get money out of a former boss and made the whole story up. Guy staitened up and lived a productive life ever after. (Guess them night riders were up to somthing, they got stuff done.)

Dave

Very rarely do I post anything on here that is this OT, much less this OT. The thing is I've been around these boards for a long time and I value the opinions of the guys on here. I was just curious if anyone thought me or the wife was being too critical of this guy. I really didn't think they would but I've tried to keep an open mind in this mess from the beginning but as things have progressed I'm leaning toward not being so open minded and understanding about the whole thing. Just hope the judge feels the same....

I think you should make up with the guy, become a trusted friend...and then take him deer hunting.

Problem solved and it didn't even take a lawyer

Already been reprimanded somewhat for this not being a tractor thread... So I'll add to it the fact he traded a dually he had up for sale for a compact tractor to play around with.....Don't know all of the details and haven't seen either the truck or the tractor or I'd ask if you think he made a good trade......Now am I legal????

looser

Now, understanding that you are a part of this, you should also understand that there is always two sides to every story. So far, you have heard one and it seems to be always the s.o.b. this and s.o.b that. Things get extremely exagerated and we as a group believe the first side we hear. There is not doubt that the other side will come out, but it will be in a court room. You will need to listen to side two before making judgement. I know allot of guys around here that make an honest living doing home repairs and private contracting jobs. With 15.4% unemployment locally, its not uncommon to see the average guy struggle for cash.

I guess what I would say, is if you love your wife and her daughter, be the better man. Do not ever under any conditions, be critical of the biodad. If you are it will come back to bight you. And please please please have it all worked out before you have any more kids,

As a buddy of mine often says "the f***ing you get for the f***ing you got"!

Or, "If you're gonna play, you're gonna PAY"!

This isnt the way I'd do it but one way would be to do everything you can to get him on So. Sec. disability. The kid would get her own check, care of her mom. Generous, steady support comes in. Court defines his visitation, everybody's happy & taken care of except us taxpayers & we don't count.

Something stinks about this story. You said:

"A man and a woman get together and she gets pregnant. She tells him she is pregnant but he claims it isn"t his. Due to medical complications the date of conception spans a broad time frame in which she ended one relationship and started another so it may not be his but then again it may."

Then below you said: The DNA says it is his.

Both things dont jive. And just remember that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior - - - 2 relationships at once and dont know for sure who the daddy is?? Better run while you can.
Tom

It does sound like a Jerry Springer show like someone mentioned.

1. Treat the guy with some respect and be nice to him.

2. He might--(although I doubt it) Kidnap the child and go across state lines and that would be a fricken mess. (so be nice)

3. Get a better lawyer.

4. Does the DNA say it is for sure his?

5. How old is this clown?

6. Does he have other kids? If yes then how old.?

What a mess, what does your girlfriend/wife
Think of the guy?

You ask what we think of this "father". Well, he sounds like white trash to me. There are a lot of guys like him, unfortunately. I call disability "white man's welfare".

As for what the mother should do in this scenario, she needs to talk to a lawyer. IANAL, but I think there are two ways to go: file to have his parental rights taken away, or simply pursue child support so vigorously that he splits town. The latter course is probably cheapest, easiest and most effective. In most states, judges won't hesitate to put fathers with back child support in jail. And most judges won't reduce child support just because a parent doesn't feel like working.

right mind would want to be involved with a woman who does not even know who the father of her child is much less marry her?

Sounds like a real trailer park nnalert

This took a few turns and twists as it went along, some that can walk on water had Their say, Men will always judge a woman harshly in these cases, May Be because They have been bigger fools over women than women will ever be over men. Speakin' from experience, this is My second marriage, I had always said I would never raise or support another mans kids. Got two girls in this deal , They were 4 and 6 at the time, I don't think the 3 that I fathered in My first marriage love Me anymore than these last 2 do. Oldest one is in college, full ride scholarship in nursein' school, Youngest is a waitress and goes Her own way. WHAT DID I LEARN???? Makes no difference Who Fathered the children, "DADDY" is the one that loves and raises them, Puts them to bed at night, plays basketball with them, teaches them tractor drivein', weldin' , rockybilly music.......

Wild Bill

The child's mother and father are scum bag losers. The poor child will have to tolerate it's parents and grandparents for a long time.

Have a son who is spoken of in the same way by his EX, however in his case it is all BS. My best advise is "Walk a mile in the other guys shoes". Fact is both are wrong in 99% of these situations. Thank goodnes age finally gives us the ability to think with our head and not our other parts.

DITTO!!!!!!!

Let the law/lawyers in your jurisdiction sort it out; anything else is just (laypersons) opinion. The 'lady' (and father) in question probably have tattos; if you'll describe them, us old folks will have a better understanding of who we're dealing with. What'd'yuh call that tattoo in the small of the back?

RUN WAYNE RUN RUN WAYNE RUN
I'm sure there are other women around!!!!

I agree with Tom, the "mom" and "dad" are too similar for any of this to make a differance.

There is always another side to the story.You are in a mess now.Whatever you do or say could come back to haunt you.Best that you stay as much out of it as you can unless he gives up his parental rights.Really before you form a big opinion about this guy you need to view it from where he stands.Hes been lied to,the state is threatening to take lots of money from him,lawyers threatening him,and lots of things are happening in his life.Faced with the same situation you dont even know what you would do.
Yeah it stinks,the whole mess does.Happens every day too.Since you are married to her you can make the best of the situation or not,thats up to you and her.

For those of you who have never been in court, DO NOT EVER DEPEND ON THE TRUTH COMING OUT IN COURT. From our experiences in court, the law has nothing to do with right and wrong anymore.

Hopefully, you have had a DNA test to determine if he really is the father. If not, get one immediately. If he wants unsupervised visitation, request a psychological profile. Very expensive. Get the best attorney you can possibly afford. It pays in the long run - BTDT.

It is "customary" to ask the court to award attorney's fees, but I've never seen it happen.

So sorry for you and yes will pray for you.

It's a sign of people & human nature - there are a lot of troubled people in this world, and sounds like both sides have had a bumpy ride and caused their own problems along the way.

I'd be glad I was an inlaw to the situation & I could keep my mouth shut on it all, as it is a no-win situation. I'm sure you are smart enough to keep your nose out of this entirely. It's fine to form an opinion, but it's not your family, you need to be concerned about your wife, and let her worry about family issues in her family.

There are so often 2 sides to these types of things, and we only get to see one side.

It is unfortunate the children, and in the long run society - has to pay for these types of situations. I feel for the child, which has little chance of a good upbringing.

The 2 'adults' in the situation - I will guess both of them have issues & problems and are where they are from not being responsible for quite some time.

This is from seeing a lot of situations, and a lot of irresponsible people, and over time learning a bit more about both sides of the situation.

The victim here is the child, and will never really get the upbringing it needs. If you need to get yourself involved for some reason, forget about the 'adults' and be there for the child, in an open and simple manner.

That is my honest opinion.

--->Paul

Hey Wayne. I helped my daughter fight a custody battle. We won. Heather, my grandaughter was a baby and her father was a no good sob like the one you are dealing with. Heather was killed in a car wreck in 2005. Her father and his family made her life miserable. What you need to do is start building a case against him. Record dates and times he was late or didn't show up for visitation,anything to show the court what a looser he is. And when you go to court, have a litagator representing you. They cost more but they're worth it. Good luck. rw

Stop the emotional roller coaster (at least where he is concerned).

First, enforce the court order. If he don't pay, he don't play (check laws).

Second, Enforce the court order. If he needs money for his visit, events, ect.. unless ordered, let him ask someone else (tough I know, kid may remeber the visit, but they won't remeber you paying for it).

Third, Enforce the order, unless so ordered, she doesn't have to be the supervisor, make him pony up the cost of a "court" supervisor (they won't take the "I can't afford it" excuse for very long). You may even get the court to hire you but I wouldn't. I know many would argue but its not about the kid, it about you the parent. Sometimes you have to take a tough stance. Letting someone use a child to take advantage of you is just stupid.

Last ENFORCE the court order, do not give an inch, be nice, or do any one time favors (just adds fuel to the "taking advantage of" fire).

Been there done that, No support, All kinds of empty promises, No delivery, Kids begging to come home, etc... Stop being a patsy and make this guy pony up. I know its hard but I guaranty if you don't, he will continue to whine and take advantage of the situatuion.

Thats for Her, For you;

Layout where you stand and leave it there. When my wife comes at me over an issue with one of her kids she is told EXACTLY what I think, not what she wants to hear. If she chooses to do something else she knows there will be no sympathy form me when it blows up in her face. I expect no less from her.

Your not saying judges take sides are you? NO, that couldn't be. I was in a wrongful dismissal case and although I won, the judge let the other side get away with a whole string of lies and he he had to know they were lying. The HR person said the owner or herself contacted me several times on the phone. At the pre-trial they were ordered to provide phone records and never did. I had all mine to prove I was the one doing the calling. Then the owner takes the stand and tries to say I was out of his cell phone range. The judge accepted that! How could he have contacted me if I was out of range of his phone? Why didn't he call again when he was in range or go to a land line? Lawyers can be just as bad. A lot of times all they care about is getting paid a lot of money and could care less if you win or lose as long as they get paid. My case wasn't big enough to warrant having a lawyer at trial.
In the case presented here, it sounds lke this deadbeat is just looking for some money for himself and could care less about the kid. You can't just come back 3 years later after you've abandoned the child and all resposibilities. The mother should request back child support. That might put the brakes on him real fast. He was probably healthy during those 3 years and could pay more. Check his income tax. Dave

Make him pay a big chunk of the hospital bill from the birth as well. It had to be way up there. Dave

If he cared at all about the child, he would have had a paternity test done immediately when she told him he was the father. She should know. The baby was obviously at risk if it was premature. Where the heck was this guy? If he gets any visitation, he should be happy. Dave