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Dating dilemma

J

john in la

Well-known Member
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What part of in La do you not understand
Lets chat over the fence for a minute....


My 21 year old son is dating a very nice 20 year old girl. Really seems to be something more than just chasing leg and this has got my wife trying to predict the future.

Now the story behind the story...........
This girl has a heart pace maker. Has had 3 different pace makers in the past 3 years. In fact they did not expect her to live past 19. Say she is on borrowed time right now but she keeps chugging along.

My wife keeps trying to steer my son away from this girl because of this fact. I even know she has been dumped by a past boyfriend because of this.

My wife keeps telling him you going to get involved with this girl and be heartbroken when she dies.

I keep telling my wife to mind her own business.
I remind her he (our son) would be better off being happy for a year than to never be happy and if she does die he will learn to live with it in time

Your thoughts...................
 
Love happens when it happens. You never know, this gal could live a very long time, God willing. It's up to your son and this young lady let happens what happens. Tell your wife to keep her nose out of it. It would be different if she was a gold digger or a tramp using your son, then get involved. A broken heart heals faster than a guilty conscience.
 
In the long run, pushing him for a change will only make him resentful. It seems like the type of thing he will have to figure out and experience for himself. Life's too short, enjoy it while it lasts...
 
This girl has the right to be in love, marriage, kids whatever! She may outlive him and then, regrets. God only knows the plan. Maybe God is the one that brought them together. Don't want to mess w/ the highest power.
 
I'm with you. Tell your son to go for it. This gal could defy the odds and live another 50 years. If he shied away from her now, and she lived many, many years, he'd torture himself all his life wondering, "What if?"
 
agree with what has been already said, need to let things be. good intentions intended i am sure by your wife but she needs to stay out of it
larry cook
 
As Yoda would say.. 'Cloudy the future is"

Here's my take.

A pacemaker.. maybee a defib unit.. maybee it's as simple as an irregular heartbeat.. a serious but managable condition.

Ultimately.. it's up to your adult son to make his own decisions.

IMHO.. it's not much different that being with someone with some other managable health problem.. like diabetes.. etc. i dated a gal with diabetes for a good while.. just had to keep her on her regiment of eating the right foods.. at the right time and take her insulin shots.. or she could of 'checked out' early.

I can't think of any better way for him to learn to appreciate love and life.

good luck with the issue.

besides.. who knows.. she might outlive us all.. any one of us might get hit by lightning or step out in front of a bus and die perfectly healthy if not way premature..

soundguy
 
Show me where it says your son is promised to outlive this girl! Nobody knows our length of time on this earth but our creator so - like its been said - best to enjoy the time we have while we are here
 
The doctors told my late mom that she had a heart murmur when she was in her 20's and pregnant. She had a total of 3 kids and lived to be 89. My sister never had a heart problem, but died on Monday from Non Hodgkins Lymphfoma at age 78. If it was me I would marry her. Hal
 
Your Mrs. needs to butt out and come to grips that she also likes the girl and is trying to protect HER heart, not your son's.

Plus, what the others have said.
 
I can tell you from experience that you never know from minute to the next about the outcome and plans for ones life. A life can be lost in an instant from vehicle accident just as easy as unexpected illnesses or even known illnesses. If he has fallen for this gal, good for him. His life will be happy knowing and being with her until she is called home. Living life with the parents belief that you would be better off with someone else only makes family life more difficult at your home.
 
(quoted from post at 06:55:34 10/02/08) Lets chat over the fence for a minute....


My 21 year old son is dating a very nice 20 year old girl. Really seems to be something more than just chasing leg and this has got my wife trying to predict the future.

Now the story behind the story...........
This girl has a heart pace maker. Has had 3 different pace makers in the past 3 years. In fact they did not expect her to live past 19. Say she is on borrowed time right now but she keeps chugging along.

My wife keeps trying to steer my son away from this girl because of this fact. I even know she has been dumped by a past boyfriend because of this.

My wife keeps telling him you going to get involved with this girl and be heartbroken when she dies.

I keep telling my wife to mind her own business.
I remind her he (our son) would be better off being happy for a year than to never be happy and if she does die he will learn to live with it in time

Your thoughts...................
Click to expand...

It's all a number game....... I get a kick out of folks here that are "waiting on the parents, in-laws, etc to kick off so they can have the house. Doubt if these folks will ever die. Probably a good girl and they'll have the better times together because they'll live every day like it's the last. Take your wife shopping for wedding stuff.


Dave
 
Your 21 year old is old enough to love, make mistakes and maybe learn.
Harsh to say and maybe true. Your wife is also looking at bloodlines and breeding material for her decedents.
I used to date a lady with health problems. She had a heart of gold and appreciated every second of life and the good things.
It's also a dangerous temptation to fall into the "hero trap" and try to be a "rescuer" and "star" too. You can get "tired and drained" after a while.
Looking back on it all. I'm still not certain if I would change things or not if I could go back in time and do or not do it all again.
Enough said....................................
 
If you son should marry and lose his mate I would think he will know just how precious every single day of our life is and will treasure each while gaining the most from them.

While I do understand where your wife is coming from I agree that she should butt out. Life can be a hard lesson, but we do learn from it. Let the son learn on his own, and in this case enrich the life of another while doing so.
 
Would it matter if she was blind in one eye, missing a leg, had chronic bad breath? I think it is ok to point out the possibilities and make him think it over, but not to discourage him from her. She might be the best girl he will ever know.
 

you cant choose for them . best to support and love them. its not like she's in the mafia or something..just kidding.my daughter is now 28 years old. if i tried to tell her a guy was no good,it would just make her want him more.. oh well, im hard headed too.lucas
 
I say he should go for it. If he loves her and she him, that's all it takes. He knows her condition, and loves her anyway. The other point of view, leave before he gets heartbroken, is just plain selfish. The girl deserves love, too and if she finds it with this guy, more power to her (and him). Besides, you can't always go with what the doctors say to predict life. My thoughts and paryers to the both of them and their families.
 
Your wife is totally wrong. Your son is a man and can make that decision for himself. Should everybody with a medical ailment be denied love because they might die tommorrow? Would be a lot of lonely people out there. Tell your wife to watch the show "A Walk To Remember". It stars Mandy Moore and it touches on this very subject. They may have already seen it.
 
My grandpa lived to see 94 after fighting on the losing side of two world wars and the winning side of one revolution. My dad (youngest of 7 boys) died at 52 when his chemo therapy drugs destroyed his liver. His oldest brother (also a WW2 vet) is 93 and still going strong. My oldest brother died at 28 from cancer after playing college basketball and running in marathons.

You can't plan your life around something as unpredictable as death - except having lots of life insurance seems to insure you live longer.
 
Tis' better to have loved and lost.

Let the young man and woman work things out on their own. Broken hearts mend, regrets don't.
 
Your're right I have never got over my first wife but I live with it and I'm 70. Better to have loved once and lost than to never love at all.
Walt
 
We're all entitiled to our opinions. Your wife has stated hers and needs to be quiet now and not harp on it.

It's not clear how dire the young lady's prospects are, but someone made a good point below about cautioning him, not against but about the perils of trying to ride in as the white knight or hero to "save" her. I've seen really bad situations arise from those motives. Even that, though, he should hear just once, and be left to sort it out for himself.

If her time is indeed short and they believe they will be happy, I believe that even with the heartbreak that her early passing might bring, that they will be happy. And each day that they live will only bring more. Not an undesirable goal in my opinion.
 
Condsidering that I just finished my 2nd divorce, I say they diserve the chance to try and be happy. I figure that just knowing that it may not last forever will make it even better. The rest of us get way too tied up in trivial differences and forget that we should value every minute together and value our mate for who they are. They will probably have more happiness than most of ever experience.
 

End it today, and he'll be heartbroken today.
End it a year from now and he'll be heartbroken a year from now.

She lives for 20 years and he'll be heartbroken 20 years from now.
30, 45, 75 where does it end?

What's the point in stopping somthing natural like love. Let it be...

And ask your wife to let it be.
 
No parent wants to see their child hurt regardless of how old they are. But, an adult child is just that, an adult.

I agree that your wife should express her concerns, but then she needs to drop it.

Your son must make up his own mind.

I also agree that its better to have a love filled marriage even if it turns out to be short than possibly years of regret.
 
Before James & I married I told him my chances of dieing of cancer were very high. My aunt died of cancer at 34, my uncle at 60, my dad at 68, my grandmother at 85, and while my grandfather lived to be almost 102, cancer took him also. James never hesitated and we have had 20 years together and hope for 20 more.
 
By your description of the situation,I think your son is an admirable young man, and has a wise head on his shoulders. I would encourage your son to follow his heart and hope for the best. Doctors told my father he would not graduate highschool, then that he would not live long enough to have children. Well, he is going to be grandpa for the first time in a few weeks, and trust me, you've never seen a happier man. He is healthier now than he was at 20. Bottom line.......God is in control of all things. I hope your son and this great gal have a happy future together!
 
My take on this, She cant help the fact that she has the heart condition. She didnt choose it. She may passaway tomorrow or in 50 years no one knows and we cant predict the future.

Also what would be the difference if he dumps her now, finds a nice healthy young lady and she passes away in a year or two from a car wreck or what not. Same difference, we have to go with what me know NOW not what COULD happen in the future.
 
Unless there's more to this girl, she sounds like a very nice person and makes your son happy. Perhaps you should pose the question to your wife that if you had known this side of her, you might not have married her. It sounds like either your wife doesn't approve of this girl or thinks your son could do better. Both of which are up to your adult son to figure out. If the girl did pass away, at least she could have been happy that she had the time with your son. If she's the one more at risk, her well being and happiness should maybe be more of a priority than your wife's or even your son's. I think your wife needs to butt out and tell your son that if this girl makes him happy, he should hang on to her. He may never meet someone else. Dave
 
Scanning over the replies I didn't see anyone bring this up. If he marries someone with health issues he could end up with huge medical bills. Of course that can happen with someone who's apparently healthy. Cruel to bring it up, but something to be aware of.
 
she needs to back off. They sound happy together so let it be. Afterall, its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved.
 
A girl that went to my grade school had heart problems and was not expected to live past 8th grade or so. She was always a shade of purple and some kids wouldnt give her the time of day. In her teenage years she underwent a surgery that fixed her heart. Her complection is normal and from what I have hear she is very attractive. I would like to see them stay together if its ment to be. I would also hete for her to here about your wifes feelings.
 
Well I may as well add my 2 cents since all others have. LOL

Marriage would be a BAD idea. The person who brought up the medical bill issue likely is correct.

Stay with her and enjoy her now and for however long they can stand each other or unless and until she passes ? She might just stumble across a GOOD doctor who could fix her up.

There is a really HIGH chance since she is female that a few years down the line she will turn into a totally different person then you met and they will break up anyhow.

JUST DON'T MARRY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And practice safe sexx as you don't want to risk a pregnancy !
 
tell your wife to but out lost my first wife after 1 year 4 days and 9 hr 27 sec. after we said i do but the living must go on. you can lose any one in the blink of a eye
 
What gives anyone a guarantee in life? I know several people that were supposed to be "dead" 10 years ago, and still carry on life like any other "normall" person. For the people who are worried about medical bills, what prevents you from having a heart attack in the morning and saddleing your family with medical bills and then you pass on? God put everyone on this earth for a reason, maybe your son has the heart, willpower and life this young lady needs to help her pull through the low times in life. I say, leave him to his own, he knows what he is getting invloved with, and if you try to "prevent" him from getting hurt, then he may blame you forever if she goes on to live a full life with minimal problems.
Jim
 
Tell your son that he "could" be making a mistake by dating this girl, also point out that she will be a real burden financially if they get married. But it is his choice. Let him make that choice.
 
Let him make his own choices. If he chooses to love her besides her defects, you've done a pretty good job of raising him.

It shouldn't matter when someone is "supposed" to die. Makeing desitions on what lies in the future can have some pretty bad effects. If he truely loves her, but breaks it off anyway because of her health, how is he gonna feel if she does happen to die? How would your wife feel?

Life is full of ups and downs. I firmly beleive it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. If you go through life afraid to show your emotions because you're afraid of what MIGHT happen, it'll be a pretty sad life.

Donovan from Wisconsin
 
No gaurante this women will not outlive your son. Or dump him for that matter. The last thing your wife shoud do is to alienate a future daughter in law.
 
Nobody has mentioned how this girl must feel.From what I understand here she is looking at a death sentence,before her time if she had no ailments,let them enjoy each other.She has lost boyfriends who use her medical condition as a out clause.Whether it works or not is up to them to decide.
It is better to love than not at all or something like that.
Vito
 
One if my daughters-in-law has a pacemaker. One of my sons who was healthy and fit as a horse died of cancer. DIL is still with us. Life is not only unpredictable, but also not fair.

Areo
 
Hes happy, shes happy. Whats not to like???
Besides, its only money. You can get more. If they want to get hitched-get hitched.
 
Its just possible that they're very good for each other. He apparently cares quite a great deal for her, and quite possibly not only means a great deal to her, is might be just what the doctor ordered for her. He's a big boy now, and life aint perfect. Some of my fondest memories are of women that broke my heart, and they hadn't I don't suppose I'd remember them as much. May God bless them both, and may they both live long and happy lives...if even together. I'm glad that some of my imperfections were overlooked.

Mark
 
I believe Don-Wis is right. That young man has to make decision's himself, not let his mommy do it for him. I believe you have done a fine job raising him also, obviously he's looking right past her heart problem like it isn't even there, which is exactly what he should do. Dr.'s are very up to date on heart issues anymore. They are constantly inproving medicines and procedures. I have been in the same boat as that young lady. I just turned 31 on Sept. 2nd. I had my first heart surgery when I was 18, just out of high school. All througout school wasn't aloud to play in sports, lift weights or do anything strenous. Didn't stop me from working on the farm, nobody was going to tell me I couldn't do that. Had my daughter in a relationship that didn't work out in 1998, she just turned 10 yesterday, got married in Sept. 2001. On October 16th of 2004 a drunk driver hit my pick-up truck head on. My best freind was driving and we were on our way home from taking my daughter back to her mothers. The guy that hit us bled to death at the seen and the impact killed my best friend instantly. The seat belt litteraly ruined the top portion of my heart. Nobody expected me to live. I watched the whole thing happen. Here I am today just had our 7th anniversary on the 29th of Sept. and have 2 boys 15 months and 2 years 5 mo. I work about 18 hours a day, don't spend much time with family, I've missed alot of my kid's life already but it also takes alot to raise kids too. My wife has stood by my side the whole time in and out of the hospital, I know she gets very dissapointed at me because I work alot, but she also understands it is my place to provide for my family. I have insurance coverage on every one of us and I hope they cash in on me first. Our 15 month old has been in and out of the hospital too with problems but he seems to be like his daddy and is a fighter. I hope he keeps it up. Enough about me, tell your son to jump in with both feet and your wife to get buzzed. Only god can make the final decision.
 
My best friend in high school was in the same boat that young lady is in. He married some girl who just wanted to be with him "forever." Big Drama Queen! After they were married a while she realized he was going to live a long time yet so she dropped him. He is in good health yet and this happened 15 years ago. I think the only reason he married her is he did not want to be alone. Make sure he would want her if she lives too.
 
Rent the the movie City of Angels starring Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan let your wife watch it he makes a statement that says it all and after all anyone one of us may not be here tomorrow.
 
Tell mom her job is done, time to buttttt out!

Perhaps suggest that if your wife was to get cancer, your best option would be divorce. She wants the best for you --right?. A bad slap in the face no doubt, but she needs to walk a mile in her own shoes, not her sons.

We all know mom is trying her best, and she must do what she thinks is right. Many grandmas don't get to see their grandchildren because of something their mouths have said outloud, instead of just thinking it to themselves.

Would she make the same statments if her son was the less fortunate? Oh yea! it can happen, and often does. Perhaps also mom may just get the reward of knowing someone that has a rough road. It will no doubt make mom a nicer person, and get mom a better understanding of herself.

By the way this could very well be the daughter in law that helps choose a nursing home for grandma some day, or other decisions that could be filled with love, or coldness.

Would you tell your son I think he is the type of person this world needs more of. Does anyone think for a moment that he hasn't thought it over a time or two?

Last of all lets give mom a break here, that reaction would be nothing less than normal for most of us, so tell mom we don't hate her, and maybe it was just---OUR--- first reaction. MAYBE WE SHOULD KEEP OUR NOSES OUT ALSO!
 
the only thing in life that is certain taxes will go up the oats will go down and sooner or later we will die. no one knows how much time we have on earth.
tall kid's mom passed away before her 44 birthday.
i would have married her anyway had i known that before hand.
mrs 730 has ms i that up front would i marry her again ? YES!
tell mom to but out.
mrs 730 said she wouldn't trade me for being able to walk. she can't right now.
she said finding a true love is a gift.
i got lucky twice
 
Come to think of it death can come visiting quick and without warning to anybody.
Last October 22nd was the day I almost bled to death before getting 5 units of platelets and 15 bags of IV. That only took my hemoglobin back up to 99 from 53.
All started with a minor routine medical exam.....
 
Yes, the young lady COULD suddenly die. But it is just as possible that advancements in medical science will extend her life to a ripe old age.

Yes, your son COULD find himself stuck with enormous medical bills. Or not.

The real answer is that your son is an adult, as is the young lady. It's time for his mother to butt out and let him make his own decisions. As long as he is prepared to support himself and his girl without help from his or her parents, I don't think it's anyone else's business.
 
It was posted on here for our opinions. It's a lot better than an arranged marriage. Too many inlaws and parents stick their noses in when they shouldn't. Sometimes it's neccessary but not in this case unless there's something that's not being mentioned. Dave
 
Who ever said anything about money? Please tell me where I can get more money? Being with someone is not only about money. The most important thing is happiness. Better to be flat broke and happy than to be rich and miserable. Rich and happy is a lot harder than it seems. Somewhere in the middle suits most people. Dave
 
Lanse, Lanse, Lanse. The topic is people not tractors. LoL You were trying to fix 3 tractors and last I heard you gave up on one. Do you wish you would have never bought the one you've decided not to fix? Sounds like maybe you got a relationship book instead of a tractor repair manual as I doubt that you have a lot of relationship experience, being only 15. I've had a couple of women take me for a lot of money and take real advantage of me. In hindsight, I wish I had never met them. Makes me appreciate the relationship I'm currently in a lot more. You have to live and learn though. Dave
 
Mother is probably right, and no doubt means well... but he's old enough to make his own choices, for better or worse.
Harping about it won't help...

Rod
 
happened to My Son at age 18 ,. Lost his 17 year old Girl friend of some 2 /12 years to an Inoperable tumor in the pelvis , Then Lymphoma ,...Heartbreaking , Early on ,she told Him to take a hike , But he stayed with her to the end , and I am certain all Are better because of it .. Today ,He has nice Wife and 2 boys ,But We never talk of this episode
 
Theres ALWAYS sometinh to learn.

Im glad i bought that thing. It was fun for a while, and i got to part it out when it was done. And whats cooler then having a rear-end to a tractor in your yard???

I learned alot, and i think i came out ahead in the whole thing.
 
get him away from her fast ..I married a lady with health problems 42yrs ago...have wasted the last 30yrs. being primary care giver & working [2] jobs the pay for health care...last vacation [if you could call it that with her health needs]was in 1997...it's HELL on earth with a ball & chain ....
 
Hi John,

In 40yrs, I've offered advice too my kids. With the daughter & DIL & SIL, it's in one ear out the other, upon any advice given, wheather asked for or not.

With the son, he'll listen and maybe ask as few questions, but he generally makes his own decision and already has made that decision when he asks for advice. It's like he's just letting me know the direction he's heading more than asking for advice.

About the only suggestion I'd make too your son, is he might consider NOT marrying her so she can collect medicare (80% medical after 2yrs on disability) and SSI disability (about $650/mth).

If she applies for any State medicade benefits, then him living with her will be considered against her benefit amount, as they don't have to be married. If he has his own home address away from her's, they may get away with it for "awhile".

I would bet your wife stands a good chance of loosing her son if she continues to voice her opinion as fact. Ask me how I know this! I just about drove the daughter away from both of us. I now just bite my tongue and walk away. This has worked better than any other method I've tried with her.

T_Bone
 
Sound mind and feeble body. Could happen to you today or tomorrow. Sound body and no mind like majority today, lot of trouble. Decision should be up to son.
 
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