Ot, question for some of you guys, dads

As I posted last year, I'm divorcing my wife after she had an affair, we have a 3 year old child. We're not divorced yet and
custody is still not what I want. I want 50/50. Now I see her 55 year old boyfriends post on Facebook that he has a fiancé,
who has a little one. I'm guessing its my wife and daughter. So I don't care if they marry but how do you deal with some
other guy living with your child? Man that really eats at me. Funny thing is this looser boyfriend claimes to be a god loving
Christian! Hahahaha. Thanks for any advice.

A divorce is never easy on all concerned, especially a child. I divorced 48 years ago and my then 8 year old son went with his mother. Her husband done a great job of raising my child and he or my ex wife never said anything bad about me. Take it easy with the divorce proceedings, be civil and your child will love you and if you remarry she will someday love your new wife. My wife, my ex and her husband and I are the best of friends and believe me my son can not say enough good thing about all of us and how glad he is that we can all get along so good. I've been married now 47 wonderful years.
I wish you the best with your situation.

Jay,
If you can see his Facebook account that is good, it allows you to at least be "in the know".
I would try to keep peace from that aspect. You would be surprised what type of information
people put out in the open for the public to read.

Anything along the way that looks suspicious, cut/paste into another document, as they can wipeout the FB post later.

Rick

Don't know. I filed for custody of my daughter and got it.

The St Paul paper has an advice column call EX- etiquette. A woman and her sister in law write it. If you can find their rules and get everyone to abide by them, your life will be easier.

Too many people try to push others around and it only gets worse if you push back. Standing your ground is good, but don't be vindictive, hurtful or spiteful.

Karma. You will get what you give.
Sde

I wish it were that easy for me Randy, I did file for full custody, but this state is a joke. That was last May .

There is a big time divorce attorney moved into this area that is advertising a lot on the radio. They make it very clear they are lawyers for Dad.
In their ads they give advice about what to do and not do.
They talk about your online presence - ie Facebook, etc.
Tell you to be very careful about what you post there. Things about her, purchases you made, vacations, payraises, etc, etc.
It is all public record.
They say to do most of your communicating via email as you will have a record if needed. They also say to make every attempt to be reasonable and make adjustments to ever changing schedules, etc - if you possibly can. He says be reasonable a couple of times in the ad.
This doesn't help you with the anguish of watching another man raise your son or losing a wife. But so many men have been raked over the coals in divorce proceedings that you want to be careful what you say and do.

I got divorced in 1980. Children are the one's that suffer the most. Don't ever state anything bad about their mother. You will be the winner when the DUST SETTLES. Both my daughters live close to me and their mother had to relocate from Georgia back to Tx to be near them.

I have been in your shoes and I know how you feel. I found it best to try to make nice with the guy, as you are now "partners" in raising your child. Its hard to get used to that I know, but time heals. Still, keep an eye on him and act or speak up if there is anything serious, let go of the small stuff. If he is a good guy, its just one more person for your kid to have care about him. Stay positive ! I look back now and things turned out alright despite all my worries.

Sorry, I meant daughter

I'd live with Satin himself before before divorcing/putting my child through that. Get counseling, rent movie "Fire Fight", FORGIVE, anything to avoid it! No marriage is trouble free and you will be glad you toughed it out. Was faced w/divorce several years ago and accepted it, but then thought what kind of example am I setting for my near adult kids and future grand children. Glad/thankful we worked it out, it takes two. Email is open, feel free to have a non-judgmental chat, john

Divorce for dads must be the new money maker for lawyers, there is a firm advertising that here in SC.

Sorry, no, glad I can't give any advice to the OP. My kids are grown and out and the marriage is good anyway. I can offer heart felt sympathy.

KEH

Save screenshots of his Facebook for evidence if need be. Just sayin'

X2 on your advice!
I don't condone affairs - -and agree NO marriage is perfect.
But, nothing is over til its over.
Try counseling - -try to understand how it got this bad.
And, even with the hurt, do you really want to stay together, especially with the little girl?

Not sure I can help much but strongly disagree with others here. If she cheated once she will possibly do it again!!!! With me its time for her to go!!!!! As for the child living in a home with parents that hate each other is no good either and can have just about as bad an outcome as living with a divorce. As far as sticking it out and divorcing later after some event like child grows up retirement etc I AM NOT A FAN OF THAT in this case you got 15 years of misgivings!!! That is not fair to any of you. just my thoughts and exsperiance.

I'm doing that Matt.

Man that's tough.

I honestly don't know what I'd do.

My gut says I'd tell her she's the one who chose to walk out on the family, and she can visit the kid from time to time. I'd HOPE a judge would agree with you, but I know it doesn't work that way.

I guess you just deal with it and take it day by day - but I know it'd eat me up too.

But only let your kid see you nothing but happy when they're around. Certainly don't play mental games with a kid - you don't sound like that type, but I'd imagine it'd be easy to slip and say some things that shouldn't be said at times.

Just keep on being a good dad.

Jay, I divorced 5 years ago when I found about about the affair my wife was having, and kissing her BF right in front of our young children. The divorce ended a 22-year marriage that was a nightmare most of the marriage. The divorce was the roughest thing I ever went through, but looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It ended a horrible nightmare. I am all for marriage and sticking it out, but I know that some marriages were a bad mistake and cannot be saved no matter how much counseling is involved. Believe me. We spent countless hours in marriage counseling and individual counseling sessions too. So if there's any chance of both of you being willing to work on the marriage and truly start with a fresh attitude and forgive everything in the past, that's my first recommendation. If it ain't going to happen and there's too much damage and hurt to be repaired without a miracle of God, then divorce is about all that's left.

The question then is, how can I minimize the hurt that my children will experience?

My boys were 16, 11, and 8 when I filed. I moved out, and the oldest chose to live with me. Their mother got primary custody of the younger two. The ex and I did agree on 1 thing: the best interest of the kids is of primary importance. We worked out the settlement so that I had the kids every other weekend and a weekday evening. Since we lived just a few miles apart, this has worked out great. I have the kids about 1/3 of their lives. I agree with the other poster who said to be the best dad you can be. My kids aren't messed up by the divorce and they're doing well. I have very little communication with my ex and it's mostly e-mail stuff. The kids are 21, 16, and 13 now and seem to be emotionally healthy, and we have great relationships. So I got rid of my nightmare wife, but still have the blessings of my children.

If you divorce, mother will most likely get primary custody of your daughter. That's normal. Courts give small children to the mothers. But that doesn't mean she'll be snatched away from you and you'll never see her again. Make it clear that your daughter is your #1 concern and try to get as much time with her and be the best dad you can be. You will always be her dad. The new boyfriend won't ever be her dad. If you and your ex can agree to live fairly close, this will benefit everyone, especially your daughter. It's when one of the parents decides to move out of state that really hurts the children.

I feel for you. Hang in there. Things can get a lot better.

Dave, thank you for your excellent input, right now we have been separated for almost a year, we live about 8 miles apart, but now ex is unwilling to stay in a 25 mile zone from me. I get my 3 year old 1 day a week and every other weekend, which is tough as I was so close to her, and spent so much time with her as a infant until last year. Yes I spend all the time I can with her, thanks again for your advice.

Thanks JR, I never say anything bad about the mom, no matter what I think of her. I know my 3 year old dosent
Know what's going on, it just really sucks. Some day she will know.

Been down the same road...over here in the communist republic of Ontario, i'd suggest that you hide/disperse any and all assets quickly. Then try your best to become invisible, use a debit card 5 or 6 times a day to maintain proof that you didn't get anywhere near her, replace your license plates every few months(you can thank me later on this one). Move to a country that doesn't require anger management sessions(see last sentence above).Last, but not least.....refuse to let your children be used as pawns, you know she's gonna do it. A divorce is expensive because it's worth it.

Jay,
When you were here with your daughter and dad, it was very apparent to all of us durung our little YT gathering that you were totally devoted to your daughter. For what it may be worth to you in the future, My wife and I will certainly be willing to vouch for your devotion to your daughter. She is a sweet heart, and you, her, and your dad are welcome here anytime.
On the lighter side; how is Purple doing??
Loren

Hey Jay.

Went through a similar situation here in NYS about ten years ago.

Was rough but is much better now. Kids and I are close.

I might have some insight as to the rather vindictive laws in this state.

Feel free to email me.

Some things are better left unsaid in public forums.

Good luck to you.

Brad

Hire the best lawyer possible. I got divorced nearly 25 years ago, She was sleeping with a guy older then her dad. If I had it to do all over again, I would have moved back to Nebraska and filed that day. I tried to forgive, and work things out. She filed, then drug it out for 3 years.
The kids handled it ok, sorta. Oldest daughter ended up pregnant at 14, but in the end the kids both turned out ok.
I still have no use for the ex.

Het dog, Talk to those guys cause it is the truth. This screwed up country the EX b..witches are the trouble MOST All OF THE TIME. bEEN THERE TOO jEFFCAT

Jay I have no idea what part of NY you are in but in Syracuse NY area there are a pair of female lawyers named Tina Bennet and (cant remember other gals name) that advertise for father's rights. I think they are out of Canastota. I met Tina once many years ago while she was still going to Syracuse University. Back then she told me she was schooling for lawyer to fight for fathers rights.
If she had been around 30 years ago I would have called her and hoped I could afford a lawyer like that.

Only the best of luck to your daughter and you,
Norm in southern Oswego County

There's always a good possibility that you'll get more time with your daughter, too, down the road. Your ex will probably become weary of having to take care of her around the clock and would almost welcome extra breaks from the responsibility. You might get some longer weekends with her or some more weekdays, just so her mother can get more breaks from having to be the caretaker. I've experienced this. There are times when I feel that my ex actually wants me to take the kids more so she can get out and not have to deal with them. I take advantage of these times. Of course this works when the driving distance is reasonable.

Don't go for anything less than 50/50 like you want. I went through the same thing you are after being married for 12 years. Used to be that courts/the state favored the mom most of the time, but slowly they are realizing that men can be the better parent. My ex lived nearby, and we traded the kids (does that sound bad, or what?) back & forth every week to start with, but that was just too much to do, so regardless of the court decree, we went to two weeks at a time. It worked put much better. Let me say that kids are lots smarter than you think, and they will figure out who the skunk is, and who is not. Stand up for yourself and they will know, regardless of what is said. The more your ex bad-mouths you the easier it is for them to figure it out.
The best thing you can do for you AND them is get a little book called "Helping children cope with divorce" by Edward Tayber. Read it. It will do you and them a world of good. I liked it so well I bought a copy and gave it to my ex. Don't knowif she ever read it, but I know that it put me on the right track to help my kids be the well adjusted individuals they are today.
Keep the faith, brother. Better times are ahead.
Jeff

jay, i can't help much with advice, never been through what you are dealing with. but i will say that little girl is a sweetheart. best of luck to you.

I know a mom like that. But she only wants a break when dad's got plans. He can make plans with someone, not tell anyone, and she still calls up a few hours ahead "can you take the kids tonight?".

What ever you do, do not back off on JOINT custody!!!! 50/50 custody if even a legal term is not the same. You must retain full parental rights and JOINT is the only way that will happen.
Don't worry right now about the actual amount of time you have your daughter. That will ebb and flow with her age and desires.
with out LEGAL joint custody you will need her mothers permission access medical and school records. With out LEGAL JOINT custody,if your wife gets a wild hair and decides to get vindictive,she can cut out your parents time with their granddaughter,and without equal parenting rights there will be nothing you can do.
Settle for noting less than JOINT CUSTODY no matter the cost. I sure hope you are a squeaky clean boy scout. DO not raise your voice,do not slam a door, remember texts are forever,be totally guarded in every thing you say and do.If one of her girlfriends suddenly decides to sympathize and comfort you,run like a crazy man,she is a conspirator!

Jay did you ever change your attorney??? IF not then it would seem like that the time is getting shorter to do so. It sounds like your going through a bad divorce with a poor lawyer.

As for the boy friend angle. There is very little you can do to change that unless he has done something illegal. I hate to point out your biggest worry and that is that there is a very high instance of "MOM's" "boyfriend" causing injury to children in the Mother's home. I would really worry about a girl. There are just too many dirt bags allowed to breath air anymore.

Truthfully a woman dating a guy old enough to be her father is just weird to me. Also if the guy is such good "Father" material where is his own family??? I see too many fellows tat wake up at 55-60 without any family because they were a dirt bag earlier in life. Then they want to be the "father" of the year to some one else's kids.

So get the meanest lawyer your can and stop worrying about the ex-wife. This is all out war and your still wanting to play nice with the ex. I do not mean war with your child in the middle but with your ex-wife's wants and whims. It seems like she is doing all of the driving in the current divorce. That just shows a very poor lawyer on your side.

Thanks Loren! You cought me off guard, what is purple? Lol I forgot the bear! He's doing fine!

Thanks Bill. I appreciate your words.

Been through that too. My advice differs a bit in that I think you will find after a few years the fighting was not worth it. One thing I know is that there is nothing you can do about the boyfriend and if you try you will likely p/o the judge. Lawyers love that tho because they love to make money and they charge for every second you talk to them in person or on the phone, they live for ugly divorces. In the end you will get what ever custody arangement the judge gives everyone regardless of how much fighting you do before, that is unless there is serious abuse going on or you have a butload of money for lawyers. Just remember no matter how you feel about your ex, always talk nice about her in front of your daughter. Kids are very observant and pick up on your attitude very quickly and no matter what she loves her mom and anything bad you say will hurt your girl. You won't change her mind about your ex anyway, just as she won't be able to change your girls mind about you. Getting used to other people being in your daughter's life will be hard, but sadly it's going to be a fact of life for you. The sooner you learn to except that the better.