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OT: More dealings with the younger generation

J

JerryS

Well-known Member
Chris English's post below prompted me to cite my
own recent experience of dealing with a young
man, in this case a grand-nephew (my deceased
brother's grandson). I have not been close to
the boy; in fact, the last time I saw him was at
my brother's funeral two years ago.

The boy is 17. He lives with his father and my
brother's widow in my brother's house, which is
over an hour from where I live. His mother
is/was in prison, but he gets lots of love from
the family he has. He was the star quarterback
of his football team this year, setting numerous
school records.

I moved into a new (to me) house this year, so
back in early October I issued an invitation for
that side of my family to come to my house for
dinner the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I issued
the invitation through my sister-in-law, and I
stressed to her that I especially wanted her
grandson to attend. I even extended the invite
to include his girlfriend. I did not speak directly to
the boy.

The reason I wanted the boy to come: I am 73,
and I'm beginning to think in terms of what to do
with all my stuff. I have only daughters, so
what do I do with my 'man' stuff? Since this boy
is the last male to carry the family name, I had
decided that when he came to my house I would
present to him the following: a hammered,
breech-loading 12 ga. shotgun that belonged to my
grandfather (his great-great grandfather); a
Winchester Model 67 auto-loading .22 that
belonged to my father, and a Belgian-made
Browning 30.06 auto-loader with scope.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving I called my SIL
to make sure everything was on go for their
attendance. I asked if the boy was coming. She
said, "No, I don't think so. I think he's going
hunting with his girlfriend's family." I said,
"OK, well, that's his loss." SIL said, "What do
you mean?" I said, "Never mind. Forget I said
it."

So, the rest of the family came, without the boy,
and we had a nice time. No mention was made of
what I might have been referring to.

I don't mind that the boy made other plans; it's
just the way he blew me off with not a word of
regret or explanation. Even a 17-year-old boy
should be expected to observe some of the basic
social considerations, and not just breeze
through life oblivious and unconcerned.


As for the guns, he may get them someday,
or he may not. I realize I'm being cranky and
petulant, but am I wrong?
 
As far as the young man goes, look at it from his perspective. On the one hand you've got an 'old man' he rarely sees, and on the other you've got his girlfriend and her family, which he probably spends a lot of time with. I'm sure if you put yourself in his shoes, at his age, the decision as to who to spend the holiday with would be an easy one....especially if he's a hunter, and that invitation was in the mix from the other side also.

In other words, he made an obvious choice, especially for a boy his age, I wouldn't hold it against him.

Heck, I'm 46, and my family and I get several invites every year to go various places, but ultimately we can only be one place at a time. Bad as I hate to say it, the criteria for the choice includes the same thought process described above that I'm sure your nephew used---Who do we see the most, or spend the most time with---Who are we the most comfortable with----Who do we share the most in common with----Who only asks us over once in a blue moon, on a special occasion, and basically 'ignores' us the rest of the time-------and so forth. It may sound somewhat cruel, but I'm sure you get the idea, as it's the same things everyone thinks about when confronted with such a decision, whether they admit it or not.

As far as who to get your stuff I offer this. I've only got a daughter, that I hope to get adopted after 6 years of dealing with the biological father, but that's a whole 'nother story..... Point is, she will be the only child I will ever have, and she'd technically not even blood, but that doesn't matter to me one iota, she is still MINE. In any regard, as far as the branch of the family tree I am on, I am the tip of the branch. I am the only son, of an only son, therefore the only one to pass on the family name....I do have two sisters, and Dad has at least one half brother that he knows of (and possibly others)but ultimately the end of the branch is me, so the last name ends with me....But who cares?

That said, what's wrong with passing on the guns to your daughters? I don't know your situation exactly, but I know my daughter loves to shoot, and loves guns in general. So all mine are going to her when I pass. I do have two younger nephews, and they might turn out to be young men worthy of some of my collection, but right now my plans are my daughter gets everything.
 
NCWayne--I don't begrudge him his choice; at his age I would probably have done the same. What galled me was that my invitation wasn't important enough for him to even respond. I'd have been happy to re-schedule our meeting if only he'd acknowledged the invite.
 
You never personally invited him but rather asked him only through his grandmother. It seems that you got his reply the same way.
 
You have to be more direct.
Call the kid up and talk to him directly with your concerns that you want these firearms to stay in the family with the male species. Have a direct invite to him to come to your home, meet with him (treat him like what he is) your grand nephew and explain to him that you would be proud to have him inherit the following items: A, B, C, and so on. If by chance the kid has no respect for you and what you are doing then tell him to leave.

Think if it this way, he is 17 with a girl friend.......Lots of other stuff to with his girlfriend then go to your home, over an hour away.
 
Think back to when you were 17. Would you have done differently?

You said you aren't particularly close to the kid, so it's not real surprising he was reluctant to obey what sounded like a summons from you. Or his family may have just assumed he didn't want to come and didn't even pass on your invitation.

I can understand your disappointment, but people don't always do what you expect them to.
 
I went through something of a similar nature years ago. The only thing that I took from my Dad's estate was his 16ga. Winchester pump shotgun and his Remington semi-automatic .22 carbine.

I kept them a number of years and didn't use them. Came up with the sentimental idea to pass them on to a grand-nephew so he could have his great-grandpa's gun.

He never appreciated them a bit! Never even heard a "Thank You" from him. His Dad complained that it was hard to find 16ga. shells for the shotgun.

If I had it to do over again, I would have sold the guns for the highest price that I could have gotten and stuck the money in my pocket.

Save yourself some mental anguish; sell the guns and forget about them.
 
Hi Jerry S, it's going to take time to build the relatioship that you both can really enjoy. Start by making a phone call, 17year old's are great nice people, full of energy and new ideas. I can think back in my younger years to probably doing the same things that you have just described. I do have a 18 year old grandson, usually I have lot's of projects for Derek to work on with me, sometimes we get them completed and other times Derek has changed plans. The younger generation are thoughtful skilled people, they are the one's who will be caring for us. Just make that phone call and start from there. Cheers, Murray
 
I'm in my 60s now but even going back to my teens I, more often than not, passed on invitations to my own father's house without an explanation. The main reason was, regardless of what he thought, that I just didn't like him. Never did.
 
You made the invitation through your sister in law and he declined through your sister in law. Now you're pizzed? Seems if you really wanted him there and were not going to like it if he didn't show,you would have spoken directly to him.
If it seemed to him that it wasn't important enough for you to ask,why would he think it was important enough for him to contact you to decline?
Who's lacking the social skills here?
 
I think I might have done the same thing at his age. We're it me, I'd either call, or better, write him a letter outlining your concerns, letting him know that he's the last male in the family and not specifically mention passing "stuff" on to him, but letting him know there are things you'd like to tell him about or somehow word it in a way that it doesn't sound like he gets free toys for visiting an old guy. Start there. He might get it, he might not. If he does, he might be a god enough kid that he wants to get to know you and the family history, etc.

17 is a tough age to get anyones attention, don't feel bad.
 
I wouldn't hold it against him. You want the guns to go to him for sentimental reasons right? My experience with the younger men of that age is they need to be taught. You are a relative. I would call him up and ask him over directly when you both have time. This could be the start of some quality time with him that you both may enjoy.
 
NO NO not all 17 year olds turn out bad give him another chance if he does come around he will love you more later in his life
 
I have to fees up too. I didn't show my grand daddy the attention I should have even when I borrowed $65 to buy a well used '51 Olds.

Cut him some slack. I changed my will a few times as times changed. I think it's where I want it now. Put the petty stuff aside to make the decision. What fits whom the best and where do they fit into the overall scheme of their future after I'm gone.

As the boy ages he should be more family inclined, seeking out his "roots" and wanting to be part of it. I had my grand paws double barrel shot gun which I cherished even though we weren't close till someone stole it.

HTH,
Mark
 
When I was a teenager I HATED to go to family reunions, now I cherish my family roots and genealogy. Like most people I wish I would have paid attention to the old timers when I was young to learn so many valuable lessons and family folklore of my ancestors.
 
Jerry,
I really cant take your side on this issue.

- This is someone you haven't seen since your brothers funeral.
- You live an hour away, and state that you haven't seen the boy.
- He is the star quarterback. Every evening of days are filled with practice.
- You didn't invite him directly.
- Around here (Mid-Michigan) Friday thru Sunday after Thanksgiving are huge hunting times in rural areas.

For someone you have rarely talked to, you almost sound spiteful... "his loss"

I asked if the boy was coming. She said, "No, I don't think so. I think he's going hunting with his girlfriend's family." I said, "OK, well, that's his loss." SIL said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Never mind. Forget I said it."

You said...
Even a 17-year-old boy should be expected to observe some of the basic social considerations, and not just breeze through life oblivious and unconcerned.

You could have taught him one of these social considerations by calling him and extending the invitation directly.

Given the fact that this boys mother is in prison, it sounds like he is still on a pretty positive path.

This probably isn't what you wanted to read, I just wanted to try to point out maybe the way he sees it.

Rick
 
Problem is, most adults, even the ones who wish they could go back and be a teen again, don't remember what it's like being a teenager.

Not all decisions are right. Not all are wrong. Depends on how much (if at all) they learn along the way. Some turn out to be right nice adults. You have to give 'em all the benefit of the doubt until they give you cause to do otherwise. Sometimes adults make bad choices....Sometimes those choices are about how they deal with teenagers. A bad choice can send a youngin' down a dead end road just as easily as a bad choice by the kid themselves.

Be the adult...HELP a kid instead of hindering them. You'll be making the world a better place.
 
When I was 17 I never missed a family reunion or get together out in central Kansas...My Swedish aunts were all great cooks....They have all been gone for years now but I sure have lots of great memories..
 
I have just 3 little comments on this. First, you did not extend the invitation to him personally. He may have thought that you were inviting him just to be polite. Second, he may have made the hunting plans a long time ago. And third, remember how important it was to you to keep the girlfriend happy when you were that age?.
I would try at least one more time to invite him over. Do it plenty of time in advance and deliver the invite personally.
 
I understand where you're coming from Jerry. You had this surprise planned for the boy and you had it all pictured in your mind. I do the same thing a lot - and get disappointed a lot when it does not work out. I'd give him (and his girlfriend) a personal invite for just the two of them. In the course of the conversation I'd check him out and make sure he would even appreciate such a gift.
 
If you do not know the boy, then there isn't any real reason to believe that the family heirlooms will have any meaning to him. He might only see the $$$$$ signs when he looks at them.
SDE
 
Did not read the comments so someone may have said this already.

You are not close to the boy; last time you saw him was 2 years ago; and you expect him to drop his life and run over because you asked him to. He had no idea why you asked him over; as far as he knew it was a invite to have dinner with people he knows of but really does not know.

You have only daughters. What about grandsons; great grandsons?
 


Ok, if you were young and had the chance to go with your girlfriend and hunting or going to old what's his name again's for supper, I think the choice would be easy.

Perhaps he already had committed to the hunting/girlfriend?

He wasn't invited directly, so he declined indirectly.

It's great you want to pass along family heritage, however I'd cultivate a relationship with him first to see if he is even interested in the guns and if he will actually appreciate them.

If he's like most teens, he won't really appreciate anything until he's a little older anyways.

Worst case, you give them to him and he sells them off and pockets them money instead of you....
 
OK, when was the last time you tried to spend any quality time with him? Included him in your life? Maybe it's time for you to extend yourself a little. To him you are just an old guy that is somehow related.

As others have stated he most likely had plans that had been made before your invitation.

Maybe you should make an effort before you expect him to drop everything for you.

Rick
 
My thoughts exactly. A personal invitation would probably have carried a whole lot more weight. After all, it's been two years since you saw him and with all the other things teenagers have to cope with these days, he may only barely remember you, if at all.

I'd make an effort to interact with the kid personally a few times before I judged him.
 
I agree with the others, it is up to you to build the relationship. You are really a stranger to him, so why would he want to come. Start small and have NO expectations on a return. It has to be unconditional on your side.
 
I believe you should have asked the parents permission on what you were planning to do!

They then might have encouraged the 17 year old to attend for a special reason...
 
Well, with all due respect Jerry, the problem is not with the boy. The problem lies with you.

First, I think all this nonsense about "the family name" is just that. Nonsense. And frankly, it is a little insulting to those of us who do not carry "the family name", but are still part of the family.

But that is not your real issue. Chances are that you will persevere by keeping your toys "in the family" and giving them to the boy. Chances are he will sell them the first chance he gets. Probably on the cheap, because they cost him nothing and mean nothing to him. Why do they mean nothing to him you ask? Let me quote:

" I have not been close to the boy"

Sorry, your fault.
 
Well, form a soon to be 17 year old boys view, lets size the options up:

1. Go to some Uncles place of which whom you really don't know. For all he knows you just another "Crazy Uncle Jerry" (mean that in the nicest way)

OR

2. Go hunting with the girlfriend.

DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!

I believe his response would have been, Jerry who?, lets go hunting!!

We ALL know how teenage boys get when the scent of a cute girl is in the air... I may be guilty of doing the same thing... Now, I would think that he should have called or something and thanked you for the invitation, but, most kids just don't have the courtesy..

I think that I would make a little more effort in trying to get to know him, who knows, he might really turn out to be a jerk, or not care about what is obviously very special to you.

If that is the case, please send me a form to sign up for grandson of the year!!!! :)

Bryce
 
And your invitation wasn't important enough to you to deliver it to him personally. As much as old guys hate to admit it. Times have changed.

Think of his choice. Spend time with my girlfriend or some cranky old man I don't know. Best thing is to get to know him.
 
After reading some of the comments below it seems like the thing to do is either throw the guns in the river or pawn them and spend the money on yourself and not look back.
 
The collective wisdom of this forum continues to amaze me. Lots of positive thoughts for me to work through and decide how to make the next step. Thanks, guys.
 
Bryce, really cool that you can present an opinion of a boy that age, the rest of us are going off of memory.
 
I would agree with that, the guns have no sentimental value to the boy because he is not bonded to them or the people that owned them. You are best off to give them to a good friend, or sell and get cash.
 
Well, I am not sure I would do that until AFTER you talk with the kid. Sounds like he has a rough family, and may like those guns as a reminder of the rest of his family.. I know that I would really be touched if someone I didn't really know that well offered those to me.. NOT just because they are nice guns, but because of the history.. Wouldn't that be something to have a gun that had been in the family for 100 years?? Many of you guys probably do, but that would just blow me away...
 
Didnt read any replies.

I'd give it a little time, and give a 17 year old a second chance.

At 17 - hunting with the girlfriend, or a dinner with an old guy he doesn't know in a house....... I remember being 17......

I'd give him a second chance.

As well, if you could ask him directly, would mean something to him. Passed on second hand invitation from someone, he likely didnt get a real good invite that way? Anyhow hard to say for sure, if he was really invited properly?

But I do understand your disappointment.

Paul
 
I can understand that train if thought. At the same time, as another reply here said, he may not have responded to you, but your invitation wasn't directly to him either. In other words, in his eyes you only expressed x amount of thought in the invitation, so why should he express anymore in acting upon it, or letting you know he wasn't. Hey, unless the person who passed along the invitation told him he needed to RSVP whether he was coming or not, then he wouldn't have felt the need to do so.

That said, we got an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner at a relatives house. Now I like my cousin and her family, but the invitation was received third hand, at best, with the request to let them know if you were coming. In our case we had other plans, and weren't going to be able to go, so we didn't respond to say we weren't going, since the request was to let them know if you were. Nothing unusual about that, as far as I know.

like others have said though, regardless of the situation, give the guy a second chance. Hey, at least you now know that the young man is a hunter, and will probably appreciate the guns should you decide to leave any, or all of them to him when the time comes.
 
If it was really important to you that he be there, then I think that you should have issued a personal invitation.
 
Jerry, you may not like my answer, but if it was not important enough for you to invite him personally, it was not important enough for you to reply personally. He replied via the same rout your invitation took.
 
Jerry S.,
Ever thought of inviting him and his girlfriend to come and visit for a few hours?... Maybe explain to him "that yep, I'm just on old feller, who you don't really know... BUT I'd really enjoy getting to know you better since you will be the last one to carry on our family name. And since your grandpa is gone and since I don't have a grandson - thought it might be fun to connect every once in a while."

If he and his girl are willing to come and visit, do something that both of them and you/your girlfriend will enjoy... hunting if they like to hunt, a tractor/wagon ride through the woods, cook over a campfire in your yard, etc.

It could be...
-- maybe he won't accept your invitation, but at least you tried your best.
-- or maybe he will and you'll all have a blast together.
-- or once again, maybe he won't... but many years down the road, might wish he had taken the time to get to know you. Maybe that fact will impact, in a positive way, some relationship at that point in his life (perhaps his relationship with his own grandchild one day).

You just never know the ways that you might touch somebody's heart... for positive or for negative.
 
I work in a school, I cant think of one 17 year old I would give a gun to,let alone a gun with family history
 
I don't know the boy personally, but it sounds to me like you might be a little more upset that he chose spending time with his girlfriends family instead of yours. Ya know, I don't know you either but considering myself in his shoes at 17, I would of probly done what he did. No one expects to go to a family thing on a holiday weekend and just get handed a bunch of family heirlooms. If you want him to have them, give them to him personally and there really isn't no need to put some sort of stipulation that he has to come over and walk on your red carpet that you unrolled for him. Can't you remember when you was 17? Girls were all you thought about too. Not trying to sucker grandpa Jones out of his shotgun.
 
Couple thoughts, just my opinion mind you.

No 17 year old is to be trusted with family heirlooms. Those are to be trusted to much older folks after they've proven they won't be pawned of sold for some frivolous reason. My daughter will end up with my Mothers emeralds. But not until she's past the young and dumb stage.

Don't be too upset with 17 year old boy for spending time with his girl. He's not disrespecting you he only got one thing on his mind and it's not you.

You stated he's not close to you. I'd think about developing a relationship with him and maybe getting close. If that works he'll appreciate the history behind those guns.
 
Well I can see both sides. I would probably try again with this grandson. Or there might be some friends that might appreciate them more. I am in a somewhat similar position. I have no kids of my own. I have things I will need to do something with down the road. I have at this time planned on probably giving them to my sisters kids and my brothers kids. One thing I think I am going to do when the time comes is to lay some of it out and let them pick out the things they would like. Years ago I only had the niece and nephew from my sister. So when I bought stamps I bought 2 plate blocks so I could give one to each of them. Well then, since my youngest brother got married and has 2 kids a boy and a girl.
My brother that is a year younger has no kids either. So no one to pass things to there.
there are some things I may give to my wife's kids though don't know and haven't decided on what. Some of them will have to really prove themselves to get much of anything of value since it will probably be pawned at the first hardship.
 
I'm with a lot of the other guys here Jerry... Unfortunately you dropped the ball on this one, not the kid.

Now you said you have daughters right? Do you have any grandsons? Do any of your son-in-laws hunt, and if so do any of your grandsons show any interest?

Maybe you should concentrate on the direct bloodline rather than the family name. What will your daughters think of you giving away "family heirlooms" to some great-nephew you hardly know instead of your own grandsons?
 
Why not call him and speak to him one on one instead of relaying messges through his mom? You feel you have something important to say to him but you realy the message the same way you would if he were a 10 year old.
 
Agreed. I have several nephews (wife's side) that loved their grandpa because he was the one that took them hunting and fishing as children. I'm really sorry that he has passed and my own sons had such a short time to get to have that quality time with him.

That's what would make anything you gave him valuable - "That's the rifle my uncle carried when I went hunting with him - we had great times togather". Instead - "That's the rifle some old guy gave me - wonder what its worth?"
 
Maybe I can throw some light on your problem. My mother was one of three girls in a family of eight boys. Grandpa died when my mother was young, as the girls came along as the younger of the kids. Most of my grandfathers "Guy" stuff ended up with the boys. My mother had two boys. We were around, and helped out with grandma in her elder years. Mom was the only daughter who lived close by who would sacrifice time to help out with grandma. When grandma passed away there was very little to give to the kids. I, along with some of the other cousins of the daughters, didn't have a say in it. When my mother died, I received a very nice personal item of my Grandfather's. I hadn't even thought about receiving anything from my grandparents but that item, though not worth much money, means everything to me. Please don't ignore your daughters, especially their children. I'm sure some of them would treasure your things.
 
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