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Speaking at a funeral service

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Chris English

Member
My Dad passed away this past Saturday and with the holiday and all this week we wont have the service until Saturday of this week. The Pastor would like for us siblings to get up and share a memory. I really would like to do that, but im pretty sure I'll get emotionally vapor locked and wont be able to.Does anyone have any words of advice on how to make it through?
Dad was 86 and has been dealing with dementia/alzheimers for the past five years, so his passing came gradually and somewhat gracefully.
I loved and respected him very much.
 
Might want to talk to the pastor. We have one here who is good about just having people write things down and he reads them.
 
I have been unfortunate enough lately to have had to go to many funerals. I can tell you that the ones with all the glory halauya sock it to ya in the name of the lord amen speeches I DO NOT LIKE.
The best most remember able moment was at the last one. My uncles Grand Daughter stood up and read a very well prepared story of some good times she remembered with her and Grandpa.
I don't know how she got thru it. I know she got to me. I could not of made it thru reading it.
I had heard that she practiced it earlier and was pretty much cried out by funeral time.

I would say go ahead and start writing down some things you want to say. Then practice it. Then when it comes to that time maybe go first and see if you can make it thru. if not have someone ready to step in and take over reading it. These words from the heart will be the best part of the ceremony.
 
I agree with rrlund. What you kids could do is just stand up where their chair is and say a few quick words. I personally could not go up to a small podium and talk about my dad after he has died. No Way, No how, cannot do that. Way to emotional. You will want to make a few quick references to where your dad worked, provided a good living and so on. Just keep it as a quick history lesson. Just my 2 cents.
 
Switch short written ideas with siblings so you are not giving your own. I did my sons for him at the wake for my Mom this summer.
Condolences, and may you take forward the best they taught you, Jim
 
Like others said, write down some things. rehearse it. But when it comes time to do it, just say a prayer and go for it. You might go in a completely different direction, and that doesn't matter. The main thing is that you do it, it's a once in a lifetime chance that you won't regret. Even if you do get emotional no one will think any less of you!

Daniel 10:19
“Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong.” When he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, “Speak, my lord, since you have given me strength.”
 
I was asked to speak at the funeral of a close friend. I knew I could not do it. I wrote down my thoughts on paper, some as poetry, mostly in letter form. I handed it to the Pastor who was gracious enough to help me. Just remember, its a very hard time you are going through right now. Take it one minute at a time. It will get better. You will eventually heal, but know that there will always be a scar.

Good luck.
 
It's a tough week all around. My father passed away Thursday from a massive heart attack at the age of 55. You have my condolences, and prayers for your family. I am kind of in the same spot - we are having the service December 14th, and seeing as I am the oldest, I am in charge of taking care of pretty much everything. I too am trying to sort through my head everything that I need to do, to write, etc. With my college finals next week, and having to go back to work tonight.. It has proven to be extremely taxing on me. Right now, I just want to rest and think about tractors.
 
Sorry for your loss. BTDT it's tough. I agree with rrlund. I am the Associate Pastor at our church. My father passed last August. I was unable to speak at the funeral, just could not do it. He was my best friend (besides my wife) and I knew all kinds of stories. I got with our Senior Pastor and talked to him about what I would say and he worked those thoughts up in his notes. It worked out great for all of us.
 
It doesn't matter if you do get choked up or even start to cry and pause alot. Everyone will be patient and listen to whatever you say no matter how hard it is for you. Just try and do your best which will be however it comes out ,but you will lose it a few times . That's okay. Sorry for your loss.
 
Ken Sorry for your loss.. Just keep it in mind one day at a time.. The hard part is just starting. For weeks I would go in at night and reach for the phone.. Used to call him ever night and discuss the days happenings.. Hope everything works out for you.. Have a good Thanksgiving.
 
I too am sorry for your loss.
One of the best eulogies I ever heard was the minister got up and said:
"I was told by Mrs. McCowen before she passed away that I could talk about love, I could talk about family and I could talk about 5 minutes."
Then he spoke for about that long and it was over.
My advice is to keep it short.
 
when I am confronted with a task as this ( I sing a bit when asked); I try to concentrate on WHAT I am doing; not WHY I am doing it. Helps me.
 
DON'T let the preacher guilt you into doing something you're not comfortable doing. I did give a short (5 minutes maybe) eulogy for one of my best friend's mother. She'd been our church youth counselor way back when. NO WAY I would've spoken at my parents' funerals.
 
I agree with thurlow. If you are not comfortable with it don't do it. It's your decision not someone else's. It's been 11 years since My Dad died and I still get choked up thinking about him. We were very close. There is no way I could have given a eulogy.
 
Think you just wrote your speech. Just enlarge a bit on what you just said above. Your love and sincerity will carry you through. Been in your shoes... gave the obit for my mom-in-law. A wonderful women I respected and loved dearly for over 40 years.
 
I couldn't do it. Heck, I get broken up speaking at a funeral even when I hated the person while alive. Even harder when I cared for the deceased. My dad died in 1983 and I still miss him every day. He was VERY active in the local church and ran a lot of fund raisers with his country western band. Yet when he died - they had a priest do the eulogy who could not even pronounce his first or last name correctly. In retrospect, I wish I HAD gotten up to say something instead of the money-grubbing, insensitive priest.
 
Thats one thing I couldnt do no matter how bad I would have wanted to....When Mom passed away in early 2007 at age 98 and 11 months I wrote a tribute to her in the local newspaper..Numerous people complimented me on it and said that they were crying when they read it....Several clipped it out and saved it..

May your father rest in peace..
 
A friend of mine that is a Funeral Director that I used to help when he was here in our small town showed me how to keep from crying at a funeral or anyplace else for that matter. Just look up and you can't cry. It does not have any religious bearings, but by looking up you block the tear ducts. I learned this when he had a Grandfather and Grandson services together. As in most small towns everyone knows everyone and they were both close to us. Our thoughts and prayers are with you in this most difficult time. Id like to say that you'll get over it in time, you will get over the hurt, but you'll miss him every day, my dad passed in 87 and we still miss him but know he's in a much better place with no pain. Just my thoughts, Keith
 
Do not be ashamed of your emotions. I was a teacher and one of my students died. I was ready to cry and when I tried to suppress my crying I started laughing! His parents understood but I was ashamed. I have lost all of my relatives now may only have to cry if I outlive my wife. It is OK for men to cry! It shows that you are a sensitive and caring person. My sympathy
 
(quoted from post at 14:01:53 11/26/14) I have been unfortunate enough lately to have had to go to many funerals. I can tell you that the ones with all the glory halauya sock it to ya in the name of the lord amen speeches I DO NOT LIKE.
The best most remember able moment was at the last one. My uncles Grand Daughter stood up and read a very well prepared story of some good times she remembered with her and Grandpa.
I don't know how she got thru it. I know she got to me. I could not of made it thru reading it.
I had heard that she practiced it earlier and was pretty much cried out by funeral time.

I would say go ahead and start writing down some things you want to say. Then practice it. Then when it comes to that time maybe go first and see if you can make it thru. if not have someone ready to step in and take over reading it. These words from the heart will be the best part of the ceremony.
Click to expand...

My condolences to Chris and to Ken Christopherson. To "Mike M" I will say: Mike, remember that the memorial service is for the survivors, primarily the immediate family, and close friends, and not necessarily for the enjoyment of all who attend. If the deceased and family are believers, they will want all who attend to hear a little about why they believe. If you are wise you will listen and maybe get it, if not you can perhaps appreciate what the survivors are trying very hard to do for you.
 
Say something happy.Cite a happy memory. Make em laugh if appropriate. Hard at a time like this I know. But laughter sure helps with the pain...
God Bless and Good luck!
 
chris,
Losing a family member is traumatic,as it is with a beloved friend. Being 80 years old i have attended a lot of funerals,never spoke at one but was tempted to interrupt the clergy at my bass players funeral. What I find insulting is the fact that never in any of them I have attended only praised the individual leaving out the humorous side of them or telling it like it was (what a miserable human being they were) but I can understand one must never speak ill of the dead or so I've been told. I read JDE post along with the others and I would concur that most funerals especially family, is wound up so tight with greed it becomes almost unbearable. I guess they found out that squabbling over money/items seems to be in the higher percentage. It is a true fact no one actually owns anything, it's only loaned to us,by the grace of the Good Lord. That's why they say "you can't take it with you" JMHO and I'm stuck with it. You have our deepest condolences on your loss of your father.
Warmest regards.
LOU
 
Know what you mean. Went to a good friends funeral same thing. Preacher just gave us his Sunday sermon. I should have stood up and told a few stories of what kind of a man he was.excellent. Vic
 
My wife's oldest brother died in his sleep last March. His wife asked me to speak at his funeral, she said that I knew him better than anybody. I hate speaking in public!!!! I get tounge tied, stammer and loose my train of thought, but I said I would. Norm was the kind of guy that could laugh at himself or you or me or anyone else. Everyone knew where Norm was, you could hear him laughing. I thought about it for a while and called Sharon( his wife) and asked what she thought about my trying to make it upbeat and get people chuckling. She loved it. I wrote my notes on a roll of toilet paper, and unrolled it as I went. I told many funny stories about Norm and his and some of our adventures. When I couldn't speak anymore, I had my son( Navy Recruiter) and the rest of the males in the family join me and Casey called us to attention and we saluted Norm. I was done, I sat down and cried like a baby. Everyone said I did great, I don't know if I did or not. I am VERY GLAD that I did it tho. I have seen grown children speak at their parents funeral and break up and have to compose themselves to go on. Everyone expects that to happen. Do what you conscience tells you to do and make your Dad proud of you. Chris
 
Ken,
I am truly saddened by the loss of your father at such a young age. Do what you can,get some rest,cry it out. You will do fine.
Chris
 
Some great help on the internet. The one below is only an example. The sites I looked at helped me a BUNCH when I had to do an eulogy for my brother-in-law. Came out good enough that my sister had me send her a copy to keep. Made me feel like I had done something for him at a time when there was nothing I could do... All my best, Chris
Eulogy website
 
I don't know how to tell you to get up and speak, dad passed away at the first of the month and I had a hard time getting through the receiving line, couldn't have talked my way through anything at that point. He was my business partner for 25 years and my advisor and mentor for all 46 of my years. However, when I was looking for pictures two packs of firecrackers fell in my hands, my dad was notorious for scaring the "bejesus" out of people by lighting and pitching a pack at any opportune time, so just before the preacher started to speak, I had one of my cousins light and pitch two packs, can't help but think dad was grinning as he saw it happen. Best of luck with whichever you decide but make sure it comes from the heart.
 
Sorry to hear about your Dad. Only advice i could offer is just think how happy your Dad is right now.
Just think of him being on lifes grandest adventure and he is in the strongest softest hands you could ever imagine.
 
I have never spoken at one but I have sung for several emotional events, two of them being my kid's weddings. About the only advice I can give is to practice, practice, practice. When you are up there and you feel you are in emotional trouble stare above the audience. If you're getting emotional and you see someone in the audience sobbing you will be sobbing too. I wanted to sing at my daughter's funeral but I was immediately shot down on that idea. Now I regret not doing it. Takes guts! Jim
 
I spoke at my mom's funeral just a little over 3 years ago. My wife and I had cared for her about the last 6 years of her life. She spent them away from home. She was demented and I need to say no more.

Once you get going, you will be ok. You will be among friends that you know and love. Like others have said, pick something special to talk about, a memory or special time shared. After a simple funny story, I chose the words of a rock song from my informative years that explained how joyous I was that she was no longer in pain. When it's over you will never regret doing it. Prayers to your family.
 
I've been asked several times, but just can not do it. No shame in it, just to emotional by nature.

However, when my mother died 3 years ago my siblings and I wrote a long eulogy, that the preacher read. It included a lot of humor and her forceful personality was well known in the community. We added some stories that many remembered. One story broke up the church audience.

" Mom believed in cleanliness, so much so that Once when Eddie cut his leg pretty bad mowing hay, she made him take a shower, before they drove him to the hospital to sew him up." Everyone enjoyed the laugh. Showed her style. Glad we put it in her service.
 
I don't know if I could have spoken for my parents but have for a very special aunt, cousin(aunt's son that died before aunt), and a special landlady. It is hard but when you speak from your heart it is easier. Reading something is harder than off the cuff. I have written poems and others have read them.

The landlady was married to my second cousin but a generation older, like a second mother. They were like best friends to my folks but the last one to die. She agreed with us on politics unlike her own family and her 3 kids. I always kidded that raising her kids pubs was child abuse, she would giggly and said we never talk about that. I included that in the service. I guess her kids got me back. I farmed this ground that was right next to me for 30 years for their folks. They offered me the farm for $8000/a, I accepted, and then they withdrew and put it up for auction without any counter offer. It ended up bringing less than I would have given them. Jimmy John had deeper pockets than I did. He bought it and traded for hunting ground.
 
I spoke at my brother's, my mom's and my dad's. The hardest was my brother's.

For me I wrote a poem of a common experience i.e. hunting. From that I spoke/read etc. Folks are not looking for a politician, they are looking for what that person meant to you.

Express that in format that you are fluent with and that you and your dad shared. If you deviate from the script no one knows but you.

Speak from your heart and don't be afraid or embarrassed if you choke up. Loosing loved ones is not easy.

Sorry for your loss and prayers be with you.
 
ditto that response from shep fl...1st of All , I aint nobody special , just a carin person ..YOU CAN DO IT .. I have done a eulogy for my Dad and my Uncle ..choked up in the end ...also .Sang Old Rugged cross , amazing grace solo , for a mother of a good friend ,had a minor glitch of sorrow , my voice Broke momentarily ,but I finished well ,.don't worry about having a interruption to compose yourself ,,say a prayer for strength .believe in your words to be truthful and sincere ,and all should go well.GOD will be with You and You will find the strength and proper words .. even if it is punctuated by sorrowful pauses ,, your Loved one deserves that much anyway ...aint no Big deal if your voice breaks ..My BIL asked me to preside over the final laying of ashes on the farm of his Dad ,with about 50 family neighbors and friends present ,1st asked if Any One would like to say anything ? ALWAYS, Thank Everyone for coming .started with a 150 word eulogy summing up his long life , how well he worked and loved all things ,and was truly one of Gods Own , in spite of his faults ... finished with the 23rd psalm , and then all recited LORDS Prayer,, Then All of us sang Amazing Grace , best we could ... you can read EULOGY for Dad ,in YOUR STORIES about one fourth way down the list.. occassionaly I visit there ,, and remember My Dad ..
 
There is a lot of wonderful advice on here. As was stated just focus on the task at hand. Your dad is at peace, take comfort in that. Maybe talk a little with your siblings on it or talk it over with them, that might help as well.
 
Chris, my sincerest condolences to you and yours.

I understand what you are saying. Never can tell what will happen. Things may go smooth, and the right thought or word may spark sentiments that might turn you into mush, and I mean that in the best of ways.

A long, long time ago I had a girlfriend that died of injuries from an auto accident. I grew up with her and knew at the age of five years-old that I was going to marry her. At the age of eighteen years-old, I was still going to marry her. She died, I never married her. It took quite a while for me to get straightened up after that and decades later, I still miss her although she's not on my mind as much as she once was. But years ago, I was visting her mother, and her mother pulled out a scrap book of her for me to see. I opened the cover, matter of fact, saw a picture of her on the first page that was taken when we were small children, and I remember the event exactly of when that picture was taken...and a few seconds later I was a heap of blubbering mush. Having never made it past the first page, I closed it, handed it back to her mother, and never saw it again. At the time, her mother sat looking at me, possibly in disbelief, I don't know. But one second I was in a happy go lucky mood, the next second blubbering mush out of nowhere as though someone flipped a switch.

Again, my condolences, and I wish you the best.

Mark
 
sorry for your loss. Only speak if YOU want to, its also your time to grieve. Dont worry about crying, everyone says they break down and cry, hey if the car dont start its broke down, if the washer dont wash its broke down. If you cry from heartache that is how God made is- emotions working like they should. Do what you feel is right, praying for you
 
Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2011. It's still hard talking about something's. My suggestion. Step up and be the first one to speak. Recall a funny life story. Something from a good memory and time in your life. That's what I did and very glade I did it. I do know if I had waited till several had gone ahead of me, I would had never got up. Also by going first you actually get to listen to what others are saying instead of going through in your mind what your going to say.
 
Thanks everyone for your condolences for both my family, and for Chris's family. It's tough to lose someone over the the holiday, or at any time regardless. I hope you all have a wonderful turkey day!
 
I delivered the eulogy at my Dad's funeral. I carried three things of his that I associated memories with up front and used them as props. His wedding ring, pocket knife and camera; just held them up and talked about his feelings and what he did with them. Was great for me and those who gathered.
He was such a humble guy, he told me he wanted a time for rebuttal in the service be cause he felt that people were far too polite at funerals. If someone was too flattering he wanted others to have a chance to disagree. No one said a word.
I'd encourage you to say something, it is not a performance for others. Just talk about your Dad. God's blessings on you and your family.
 
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