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What do You Do??

J

John B.

Well-known Member
What do you do when you find out your own Dad has lied to you thru all your years? You try to help him with certain things and he doesn't do what you suggest any way.
I've caught my dad in so many lies thru the years. Just found out tonight. About 8 yrs ago he asked me if I would help him sell the Old Farmall "A" tractor his dad had bought back in 1939. I mentioned he should talk to the one mechanic at the IH dealership where his dad (my grandfather) bought the "A" from. I also told him yes but talk to your other two sons first (my two brothers) a month went by and dad asked me again to sell it for him thru the internet. I asked him if he talked to the other two (sons) He said Yeh!! Well turned out he talked to some one else at the IH dealership and hadn't talked to my two brothers about it. Then he turns around and tells my brothers that a friend of mine bought it. This was a total outright lie, I don't know the young man who bought it. I'm fuming right now. His habit of lies and stealing thru the years has upset our mother a bunch and I can see why. Mom and Dad are still on the farm but now I don't feel much like stopping by any more, at least not until I cool down.
This is just one incident there have been many more.
I have read thru the years that there are elderly people in the nursing homes and no one comes to see them not even their own children. Some times I wonder if those children had to put up with lies like my brothers and sister have??
Just venting.
 
You"re not the first and certainly not the last person to go through this sort of thing.

Learn to deal with it and resolve to set a better example for any children that you may have.
 
Well, you know, there is the chance that he is not OK. Mental illness takes many forms. My dad was a straight shooter, but the last few months, after fighting cancer for 4 years, and tons of drugs, did stuff that I would have never thought possible.

And I dont think is was any sort of deception. He was just not thinking like himself and not in his right mind.

is that possible?

Gene
 
You just have to deal with it. My mother told lie after lie about how she grew up and her education through the years. After she passed the truth came out. My grandfather killed himself when he was fired from a job in the depression, he wasn't murdered. Her bum knee was from a childhood accident, not a hit in run while she was in college. She was never part American Indian. She never attended college...ECT...ECT. I had figured out she was lying already but my sister was pretty upset when she started looking into moms background after mom passed. Guess what? She was still my mom.

Rick
 
Just take it In stride after all you are still talking to each other and that is the most important part. The tractor is not worth ruining your friendship with your only Dad. I wish sometimes now that I had known my Dad but it's too late now so I have to live with what I never had.
Walt
 
I am confused, did this A ( I assume it was his)get sold 8 years ago and you are fuming now ? Or did he ask you to help sell it 8 years ago and he just recently sold it, and now you are fuming ? Why did you tell him to go talk to the IH mechanic ? Perhaps the guy that bought it (probably with cash) said he was your friend! If it was his to sell it was his to sell and he owes no one an explanation. Why are you not talking to your brothers ? Why didn't you buy it ? What did your dad steal ? If it was his he is free to despose of it as he feels. Also, and I am an expert on this (PhD, School of Hard Knocks) , the reason some parents lie to thier children is to avoid conflict,between them and a child, or between their children. And no, it dosen't work.
 
don't expect him to ever change. Knew a 91 yr. old who died last year. He may have even lied about dying. Never knew one to change except when he needed to fool people.
 
i found out for my own piece of mind not to be around my family to my dad i was cheap help. the worst part is the impresion he would leave with others about me.
the worst was when he went to the bank and told them to sell me out i hung on but the cost mentally and in money was terrable .good luck and be carefull
 
Everything I knew about my mom was a lie. I haven't talked to her in, oh, 6 or 7 years now. Really ticked me off when I'd be at a family gathering and someone would call her then hand me the phone. I don't talk to that side much anymore.

Then my dad, you can pick up a magazine and read the same article he just got done with, and somehow there is 4 times the information in there that you found. He got really ticked the day I called him on it.

I've found distance can be a good thing.
 
(quoted from post at 01:12:43 12/30/13) I am confused, did this A ( I assume it was his)get sold 8 years ago and you are fuming now ? Or did he ask you to help sell it 8 years ago and he just recently sold it, and now you are fuming ? Why did you tell him to go talk to the IH mechanic ? Perhaps the guy that bought it (probably with cash) said he was your friend! If it was his to sell it was his to sell and he owes no one an explanation. Why are you not talking to your brothers ? Why didn't you buy it ? What did your dad steal ? If it was his he is free to despose of it as he feels. Also, and I am an expert on this (PhD, School of Hard Knocks) , the reason some parents lie to thier children is to avoid conflict,between them and a child, or between their children. And no, it dosen't work.
Click to expand...
That was exactly what I thought after reading John's comments.
 
I found out my grandmother wasn't the little angel. She claimed to be in her younger years. Some got upset. But Some of us just let it go.Couldn't change anything and still cared for her until she died.
 
No matter of his faults you will only have one biological father and I will guarantee after his passing you will wish you could have one more day in his presence.
 
Well, your dad is old enough he's not going to change. It sounds like your mother suffers the most from his bad behavior. For her sake, don't cut them out of your lives, but you don't have to be your dad's enabler, either. Keep in touch with your mom to be sure they're OK, but don't get involved in your dad's business dealings if you don't have to.

As for the tractor, it was his to sell and he didn't have to get his sons' permission to do so. Unfortunately, when you're a pathological liar, you're going to lie when it would be easier to tell the truth because you don't know how to NOT lie.
 
My mother was prone to fits of rage. I was usually the target. The rest of my brothers and sisters didn't see it. On a couple occasions, I was beat to with-in an inch of my life for no reason whatsoever. There was always an excuse. The day I turned 18, I was at the Army recruiting office. Anything else had to be better than getting beat. I knew better than to fight back. Dad wouldn't allow me to so much as talk back, much less fight back.

Anyway, time passed. I got out of the Army, got married, raised a family and saw my parents grow old. I avoided contact with my mother for the last few years of her life. They both died 12 years ago. And you know what? I miss them BOTH and would do anything to see them again. You get ONE mother and ONE father. No matter what the story, your dad is the BEST dad you'll ever get. You can protect yourself, learn to deal with the deceptions, and go on with life. In time, the problem will stop and you'll regret doing anything except doing what is RIGHT. BTDT. Once he's gone, the problems will seem a lot smaller and you'll still miss him. Hang in there. No one said life would be easy.
 
My dad was a mean abusive drunk and my mother lied to survive.My dad left my mom 37 years ago with 5 kids at home.He died last august no feelings.....My Mom died 2 weeks ago and my heart still hurts.
 
What makes you think your family is different from anyone elses? That is the problem with TV shows like the Waltons, etc. People think that all other families are like that and theirs is the only one that may be disfunctional or the like.
 
Don't accept the guilt trip some are trying to lay on you.Yea he's your only biological father so what? So is a sperm donor a kid never sees big deal.When two people decide to bring another human into the World they owe the child the child doesn't owe them.Dishonest is dishonest,abusive is abusive no matter whether its a blood relative or not.I have some really great relatives that deserve respect and I give it to them and others that don't desrve the time of day.
The very worst parents are the ones that treat their kids like trash and then lay the "I'm your
dad/mom and you need to respect me no matter what".Or the ones that never had time to for their kids but when they get old expect them to suddenly care about them.I've seen it happpen lots of time.I thank the Lord that my folks were
good to me and my siblings but I've seen plenty that weren't.
 
The truth of the matter is that our parents are just human beings like all the rest of us. There is no train coarse for being a parent and we all make mistakes. We all also have our faults.

So I would just let as much of it wash under the bridge as you can. I know this is hard to do. I have dealt with both of my parent's issues for years.
 
I agree 110%. It's easy to be self righteous and say forget 'em if they aren't perfect parents if you've never dealt with family problems. But that's just a person talking about something they know nothing about. Life hands some of us more experiences than others, both good and bad. It's up to the individual to take something positive away from even the most negative situation.

Over the years, I've learned why my mother lashed out at me. It wasn't my fault, and I'm half way certain she did so without really realizing what she was doing. None of us are perfect. (Even though a few THINK they are) I've learned to forgive others for their transgressions and move on with life. Allowing someone to live in your head forever is the easy way out, but has the worst possible effect. Being bitter for what you see as being wronged has no benefit to anyone.
 
Education is always expensive and it doesn't always cost money. Consider it a lesson and use it to make sure you don't ever do the same with your kids.
 
My mother was a Shrew, and a Nagger, who took out
all of her frustrations on my dad, He, in turn
took out all of his by beating me. Several times
a year I go to the cemetery to pee on his grave.
My Mother died, of alshimers, alone at a nursing
home last year. I hadn't seen her for several
years, and was just glad that they were both gone.
 
(quoted from post at 21:59:04 12/29/13) What do you do when you find out your own Dad has lied to you thru all your years? You try to help him with certain things and he doesn't do what you suggest any way.
I've caught my dad in so many lies thru the years. Just found out tonight. About 8 yrs ago he asked me if I would help him sell the Old Farmall "A" tractor his dad had bought back in 1939. I mentioned he should talk to the one mechanic at the IH dealership where his dad (my grandfather) bought the "A" from. I also told him yes but talk to your other two sons first (my two brothers) a month went by and dad asked me again to sell it for him thru the internet. I asked him if he talked to the other two (sons) He said Yeh!! Well turned out he talked to some one else at the IH dealership and hadn't talked to my two brothers about it. Then he turns around and tells my brothers that a friend of mine bought it. This was a total outright lie, I don't know the young man who bought it. I'm fuming right now. His habit of lies and stealing thru the years has upset our mother a bunch and I can see why. Mom and Dad are still on the farm but now I don't feel much like stopping by any more, at least not until I cool down.
This is just one incident there have been many more.
I have read thru the years that there are elderly people in the nursing homes and no one comes to see them not even their own children. Some times I wonder if those children had to put up with lies like my brothers and sister have??
Just venting.
Click to expand...

Sounds like mine in a way. He is gone now, but I still am trying to deal with the mess he left behind. He would tell me one thing and my sisters and a brother something else. He always played one against another. Don't know why and really don't care anymore. You can forgive stuff, but it is hard to forget.
 
Happened 8 years ago and your upset about it now? Wow! Sounds like it was his to do with as he pleased even if it didn't meet your approval. Might have been easier for him to tell you what you wanted to hear rather than argue with you about it. Don't know any of your family history so opinion is based on what you commented on only.
 
What I would do is stop punishing myself by being upset. You have nothing to gain and a lot to potentially lose. Just be aware in the future that he's not 100% truthful and work around that. It's easy to find faults with our parents and, they have faults, but then so do we. But there often have been circumstances in their lives that caused them. When I was younger, I saw lots of perceived faults that my dad had. Now I look back and can see why he may have had some of them - just have a lot better understanding now. Parents are supposed to be perfect but they are just actually human beings like us.
 

That's surprising considering he had a red tractor not green....

He doesn't live next to a Hooters does he? I might know him. :mrgreen:
 
Here's a better question. Did you talk to your brothers about it? From my perspective, being on the other side of a computer, maybe you 3 could have bought your grandfathers tractor. I know there are some folks on here that would love to have a family tractor. Just my thoughts, but you need to communicate with your brothers and work together. The more you leave it alone, the more challenging it will get.
 
The heaviest burden you can ever carry is a grudge. Lear to forgive...not because HE deserves it, but because YOU do. You can't roll the clock back 8 years and change anything. Lord knows that today brings enough worries of its own, without dragging yesterday along behind you.

Some people can't stand NOT having drama in their lives. I'm the opposite; I seek peace. And I've searched all through my Bible, and while I can find "Blessed are the peacemakers," I can't find anything at all blessing those who create strife. A family feud cannot continue to involve you, if you refuse to participate. Leave the past in the past. Is it YOUR place to make things "right" with your siblings over something your dad did? If not, let it go.

But I'm only offering this opinion because you asked.
 
You know the number one cause of a dysfunctional family is wills and estates. Maybe your dad didn't want you and/or your brothers to fight over the tractor? He may have asked you to help sell so it wasn't behind your back. Sometimes you have to look at the much bigger picture. Maybe your dad was doing everybody a favour.
 
Every now and then, we all get presented with a chance to step up and be "the bigger man."

This seems to be your chance.
 
Well I've finished reading everyones' posts. Some great advice. I wasn't upset that our dad sold the tractor. I was upset that he lied about me saying the buyer was a buddy of mine and that he talked to my brothers about it and didn't. My older brother is mad about it still but he'll have to deal with it. Dad just made me look bad in my own mind. I did stop by to check on mom and dad this morning and they were sitting at the kitchen table cracking pecans, it gives them something to do they both said. I've just learned not to get too involved unless help is needed. I want to say thanks for everyone's experiences, comments and thoughts on my post. Hope all of you have a happy new year.
 
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