O/T Sports Update

Update to my post about high school sports from the other day...

My son was supposed to go with me and his brother to a family function this weekend. Happens every year, in a bigger town a few hours away, we make a weekend out of it and have fun.

My younger son informed me that older brother had a basketball tournament this weekend and he didn't think older brother would be going with us. Older brother had said nothing of it. Totally out of left field, blindsided me.

Long story short, I called older brother (remember I'm divorced) and he told me 'Yeah, I'm going with you, probably, yeah". Which was a lie, because he then texted me a half hour later to tell me he was going to the basketball thing, his team "needed" him he had made a "commitment", blah blah blah. And he was sorry.

Were you sorry about not going, or lying to me?

What about your "commitment" to your family?

So here's where it gets interesting. I decided to take this to the next level: I called his coach. I had a nice conversation with the man, for at least a half hour, about what I thought of high school sports, that fathers are important in a kid's life, and seeing how you, the coach, are with my child more than I am, could you please have a little conversation with him about the importance of family, and how it's not right to mislead or lie to your parents?

My son won't like this. This will make him very uncomfortable. Today I am going to call the principal and superintendant of his school and chat about the relative importance of sports.

Balance. Gotta have it. Talking to him doesn't seem to change his mind about these things, so I'm going over his head to his coaches and school leadership. Sometimes you have to apply pressure to get a result, and again, being divorced, this is about the only pressure I have at my disposal.

Why is this tractor related? Because part of that "balance" I want him to have is workin' the hay with me this summer!

I get exactly what you are saying, but...at his age the 2 most important thing in the world are being accepted by his peers and girls. Sports are a way to get both. Guys like you and me have to live with it, just like our fathers had to with us. I still think sports have zero place in education, but the system is stacked against me.

He's a separate individual and whats important
to you may not be as important to him.Laying the
'family' guilt trip on him ain't gonna make him want to spend more time with you just the opposite really.
Teenagers want to be on their own sometimes.The fact he didn't feel comfortable telling you what he wanted to do says a lot.
If you wanted a life time companion and buddy that always wants to do things with you shoulda bought a dog rather than having a son.Kids have minds and lives of their own.

If it was a "tournament " I would think that the team probably did need him and he was commited to be there. From reading the rest of your post you really don't sound that fun to hang out with anyhow.Instead of trying to make him feel "very uncomfortable" maybe you could go watch the game and stop calling the school about stupid stuff. He is not lying he is struggling to communicate with an unreasonable Dad. {Disclaimer: I am not a real Doctor or psychologist} Hey I gotta go to garage sales its friday.

Well it seems to the first three replies it is OK to lie to a parent about what you are doing as long as it is sports you are going to be "playing".

I guess parenting has changed over the years. IF I caught one of my kids lying to me he would have been grounded. Then he would not have been "playing" in a SUMMER/SPRING basketball tournament.

I would guess that your ex-wife is also throwing you under the bus with your son too. She may be still playing the "hurt" the ex by telling the oldest that his sports are more important than spending time with his father.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head, JDSeller.

I put my personal situation out here for discussion; I can take the lumps. To write out the whole situation, I'd crash the board, and nobody would want to read that. It IS a tractor board, after all.

But I find that a lot of guys here give really good advice, and it's nice to discuss a problem and find other people have the same problems. Doesn't make you feel so alone.

And I guess I didn't explain it well enough, this is like a basketball "camp" where they play other teams. Not really a "tournament", I suppose.

Seems if the boy is so involved in the game, he would be keeping everybody around him informed of how the team is doing and when the next contest is scheduled.
How and why that was omitted, is worth investigating. There really is NO reason to ever lie to family about your involvement in school, sports, hobbies, etc. Not if there is a real connection that both parties care about.

Update:
My son sent me an angy text message about how I'm not to talk to his coach.

I sent back that he has forgotten that I'm his father, and I'll talk to whoever I want, whenever I want, especially where my son's development is concerned.

He replied: Screw you!

So I sent him a text telling him I was supending his cell service. Keep it charged so you know when I've turned it back on. I'll send you a text. If you are still being disrespectful, I'll suspend it again.

Ain't teenagers grand?

so who is paying for the son to go to camp?
if it's you you have all the cards in your hand.
tell him if you don't pay me the respect i deserve forget anything other than court ordered

(quoted from post at 06:33:45 06/07/13) Well it seems to the first three replies it is OK to lie to a parent about what you are doing as long as it is sports you are going to be "playing".

Click to expand...

I didn't say that or anything like it. I said his priorities right now aren't spending time with dad, that it's something you simply have to accept. I didn't say lying was right. No more, no less. Kindly avoid putting words in other peoples mouths please.

With all due respect, I don't think you are going about this in the right way. It is resulting in a futher breakdown of communications which is the opposite of what you want.

You need to rebuild and reesablish a relationship with him. Once you have that, he will WANT to spend time with you and that is after all what this is all about.

It is very difficult in divorce situations. However, turning to school officials probably did more harm than good. It is between you and him and the two of you need to work it out.

Was going to reply, but Foghorn did it for me. Mega-dittos.

Im going to need to see both of you in my office Monday . I will prepare the tools.

Don't think you're special because you're having this confrontation. It's a rite of passage in any father/son relationship.

The kid's gonna lie to you about something. You're going to have a confrontation about it. Both of you will grow a little from the experience.

Be thankful that it's about BASKETBALL and not something nefarious like drugs or alcohol abuse or criminal activity.

"Kids have minds and lives of their own."
How very true. Except in this case, it sounds like dad is paying for all the bills. If dad IS paying the bills, dad can do whatever he wants, including talking to the coach or cutting off the phone service.
With that being said, I'm not against sports. But there has to be a time where Junior stays home and helps with the chores also, at least if Junior is still being a mooch off of dad.

Like it or not kids do grow up. You do the best you can to teach them good values along the way. Whether it takes ahold or not is up to your kid, you can't force him to accept the same values as you which is what it sounds like you are trying to do. He is a young adult who has to learn to make his own choices good or bad and it doesn't sound like he is making bad ones, just not the ones you want him to make. Keep putting pressure on him to do everything your way and you will find out how often he tells you "screw you". Put yourself in his shoes when you were that age. Did you always agree with everything your parents said? I bet not. If you keep pushing things with him you will find he will be lying more to you just to get you off his back. It becomes a fine line we have to walk when teens start to look out of the nest. I went through it with 3 kids and it is not easy to let go sometimes but you have to start.

There is also a time when a kid acts like a kid the adult should act like an adult not have a reaction like another kid.

I'm no fan of high school sports, but you were out of line calling your son's coach.

There are a number of lessons we all have to learn to get through life. One of them is that you can't be in two places at the same time. Another is that if you make a commitment to someone that you know you won't be able to fulfill, it is not going to turn out well; it's always better to say up front if you can't deliver on a promise.

Let me pose an alternate scenario: Suppose you are a small business owner, and you have a job that has to be done over the coming weekend. You've planned this particular job for weeks, and your employees were told a month ago they'd have to work this weekend. Now one of your employees tells you "sorry Boss, but my wife tells me we have a party to go to so I won't be able to work." Are you going to let him off, and just have your other employees work harder to finish the job?

Now let's suppose you tell him he has to work, or else find another job. An hour later his wife calls you up and gives you an earful. Do you change your mind and let him off? Or do you tell him that if his wife ever calls you again he'll be fired?

Your relationship is with your son, not the coach. The coach has made no promises to you regarding whether or not your son can be excused from a game. That's between him and your son. If your son isn't being honest to you, that's between you and your son. Treat your son as if you are both adults and deal with him directly.

(remember I'm divorced)...keep it up and you will find out that if he is old enough, that you will drive him away and not see him at all...