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OT Youngest son

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dej(Jed)

Well-known Member
Watching the NE/BR game last nite when my 20 year old son grabs the changer and turns to the Pgh hockey game. Well I lost it and now I feel really bad for losing it. After telling him what I thought, he and his girl friend left vowing never to return. I pay his insurance, cell phone, expenses and all vehicle repairs. He helps with nothing and has no job and won't get one. Where did I go wrong?
 
I pay his insurance, cell phone, expenses and all vehicle repairs. He helps with nothing and has no job and won't get one. Where did I go wrong?


stop paying for all of the above
 
"Where did I go wrong?"



I pay his insurance, cell phone, expenses and all vehicle repairs. He helps with nothing and has no job and won't get one.

Don't need to say any more, you said it all yourself.
 
I gotta add one more thing. My daughter pulled the same sort of stunt about twenty years or so ago. When she stated "I'm leaving", I told her not to let the door break hitting her in the ask. It took a while, but she came back with her head down and tail between her legs.
 
You went for too long spoiling him and not making him accept the normal responsibilities a person is supposed to have,he's a little late to the game but he needs to realize he has to make his on way in this World.And don't worry he'll be back and when he does return do yourself and mostly him a favor and Lay Down the Law.
 
Talk to him. Never let him think you do not love him. Love does not equal money. He may think that. You pay for his life so that equals love. The price he has to pay for getting everything paid for is a few dust ups now and then. Thats a very good deal and a small rate of return. Now go on and pull his funding he will equate that to not being loved by his father. Explain again money does not have a thing to do with your love.
 
Sounds like some time away from each other will be a good thing. One of my stepsons didn't speak to my wife and me for a couple of years. He got over it and is pretty close to us now.

No doubt your son and his girlfriend have found some new place to freeload, maybe at her parents. Let them wear out their welcome there. Once they've run out of friends and family members who will provide free room and board, they will be much easier to talk to.

Don't be too quick to cancel his insurance if the car is in your name. The last thing you need is for him to get in an accident while driving your uninsured vehicle. As for any other expenses you currently pick up, his actions indicate he doesn't need your help anymore.

Oh, if your wife insists on letting him move back in, home drug test kits are available at your corner drugstore. Make clean test results a condition of his return, and make sure you watch him like a hawk while he produces his urine specimen.
 
If you don't expect anything from them that is exactly what you are going to get. "Nothing"
I was a hard a$$ with my Kids and it paid off.
They both have very good jobs and good families.
They have told me it was what Mom and dad expected what they are today.
I did not buy them cars, cell phones or Insurance. If they wanted it they had to work for it and pay for it themselves.
You are not your kids buddy you are the parent.
Remember you are not raising Kids you are raising Kids to be adults.
Brian
 
He'll be back since you are paying for everything, if he's not back in a few days call him and let him know it is time for a talk.

Think about what you want to say before talking to him, make a small outline if you need to before hand.

time for him to man up and be released from the gravy train, everyday you support him makes it harder for him to go out on his own, the time is now
 
Cut him off, sounds like my younger brother. He won't be worth the space he occupies until he has to support himself. I know some kids in a friends family that will change the channel on the tv or the car stereo no matter who their with or where they are. That is something I was taught not to do out of respect for others a long long time ago, if it is not your tv or radio you don't touch. Dad insisted when we were kids that the driver was the only one who touches the radio. I agree with him, when I'm in the passenger seat of a vehicle, even my own when my wife drives I don't touch the radio. Now that doesn't mean people can't make a mutual agreement for the their entertainment, just that they respect one another.
 
Over 18 and going to live on his own - wasn't the goal since birth? Give him a big wave goodbye and tell him good luck. The wave is more than I got and I had a good relationship with my mom (dad was already dead when I turned 18).
 
Has someone been an "enablor" for him for several years? Our kids were taught from a young age that we expected them to go to college and be able to make their own way in the world - and they have done what was expected of them.

Some people thought that we were too tough on our kids, but our kids turned out great and most of their kids are losers (a few of them did turned out okay on their own, but they had to make a huge adjustment).

It does not hurt a kid to do some work, nor to be deprived of the things that most other parents give their kids. It's a good learning experience how life really is when they get on their own.
 
Natural assumption, with everything else given to me then the tv must be mine also. Next on your list, and ours also, providing for all the needs of that little bundle of joy they so proudly bring home to you.
 
I would tell them to get a job and help pay for the room and board. The Army is hiring I was 20 when I was drafted. I was helping my dad with the morning milking and working full time at our local Army base. Could've had a deferrment by staying on the farm, but turned it down since my older brother had joined the Air Force in 1951. Also got married when I was 20. Soon will be 60 years to the same woman. Hal
 
Parents like you is what makes a large % of this generation of kids what they are today.No responsibilty. Said you pay his insurance,I assume you are talking vechicle,if so is it his or yours? His cancel it,yours take the Keys.you are 18 years late on starting to teach responsibilty.SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD.
 
Brian----Well said !!! This father brought it all upon himself by doing for the son what the son is perfectly capable of doing for himself---
 
You started wrong about 19yrs ago or you wouldnt be writing here about your failure to be a parent as yesterdays event didnt start then.
 
Your problem started around 19yrs ago when you failed as a parent or yesterdays event would not have happened. Now you are on the internet telling your problems as a parent to the world look in the mirror.
 
Your problem started around 19yrs ago when you failed as a parent or yesterdays event would not have happened. Now you are on the internet telling your problems as a parent to the world look in the mirror.
 
I'm with the rest of them. Stop enabling bad behavior, and it will stop. Change the lock on the doors. Text him that at Midnight tonite the insurance is cancelled on the car, and he has 1hr to return it, before you call the cops and report it stolen. If the cars his, cancel the insurance today effective at Midnight and change the lock on the doors now. If he gets mail at the house, go online to the post office and file a change of address notice for him, to address unknown. If the cell phone is in your name call and report it lost, they will shut it off right then.

If momma acts up, pull all financial support from her as well. Don't give her money for bills, grocerys or gas. You'll be in the dog house for awhile, but she'll come around, or pack her stuff and leave.

When you shake your head and wonder what happened. Just look in the mirror. Wanting better for your kid's is not a crime, but enabling bad behavior should be.
 
My middle son, a teenager, is doing the same to me. I give and give, he takes more. And no respect. In fact, I think he holds me in contempt. Throw an ex-wife in the mix who is constantly up his azz telling him how great he is, and you get the picture. My youngest son is only slightly better.

Like others have pointed out, it's your fault, and it's my fault. Some kids do well with me mutual respect thing, some don't, and only take, take, take, like your son and my son.

Just this weekend my new wife, a wonderful woman, had a sit down with my boys. The gist was 'quit being a-holes'. And then she gave them a lesson on where heart attacks come from, and made it clear that if things didn't change, she'd probably be a widow within the next couple of years. And she wan't going to let that happen!

That got their attention (and mine, too!), well, at least the younger one seemed concerned. The older one is very jealous of my new wife. It's clear now that he's pushing me to make a choice. He's going to be suprised when the choice isn't him.

I understand now that at a certain point, you have to say: See ya! Have a nice life. When you get yourself straightened around, come on back.

It's hard for a parent - we raise the child, we put everything into the child, we hope the child turns out well. And maybe your son and my boys will get their heads out from you-know-where someday.

I vote cut him off and let him fend for himself. I've tried that warm fuzzy 'I love you' crap, it doesn't work, only makes it worse.

Good luck.
 
I disagree. The military is NOT a reform school.

That being said, and speaking as one who paid his own way completely since age 16 without a dime from my parents, I'll ask, "If he's 20 years old, why are you still enabling him"?

Throw him and his girlfriend out and tell them they're on their own.

Did you listen to any child psychologists when he was growing up? I've always thought psychologists and economists are in the same boat. Neither group gets paid unless they act like they know something no one else does, whether it makes sense or not.
 
Call him up and apoligize ask him to comeback and continue to pay his bills. I'm already paying for 47% of the country I can't afford any more bums.
 
You should not feel bad for losing it, he showed no respect for you or your household. The Family name is serious business in my family and we were always told that what we did represented our forefathers as well as ourselves, I happen to believe that wholeheartedly and taught my children the same. I would not allow him in my house if he refused to work, I surely would not financially support him in any manner and I would not allow him to keep a woman under my roof he was not married to even if he paid his own way. I told my oldest daughter not to come back several years ago when she first got out of college because she said she was going to vote nnalert, after she was working full time and paying taxes she saw the light. You have to have hard and fast standards and refuse to compromise for anyone or any reason.
 
"Where did I go Wrong?"
Paying his insurance
Paying his cell phone
Paying all his expenses
Paying his auto repairs
Not making him get a job
Any Questions?
And I hope you are not letting his girlfriend live there to.
 
After our son graduated from college he came home and wasnt looking for a job..We gave him a deadline to be out of the house and told him that he was on his own..He left and only comes back to visit..

The more you do for your kids,the less they will do for themselves..We know parents whom are broke trying to support their irresponsible adult kids in their 20's and 30's..
 
Mine's in Afganistan, he did you a favor, if the car breaks let him bum rides off his gal pal, she'll soon get tired of it. Give the car to the Salvation Army. Tell him to get ahold of the nearest Army recruiter, give him the phone number, cause he is going to need food and shelter soon, then shut off the cell phone.
 
Just stop for a minute and think about it. Like all the guys said, you do way too much for him at 20. I would give him 1 month to get a job! Don't care where it's at. If he gets a job and keeps it, then he needs to pay some of his bills. If he doesn't get a job and keep it. Phone gets shut off, no gas money and insurance and so on. He'll try to make you feel bad but think about it, he's 20 do you want to be doing this when he's 30?
 
All I'm gonna say is don't let it fester too long. You don't even have to look him in the eye when you tell him you over reacted,just do it. Deal with everything else that you're doing for him some other time without this hanging over it.
 
Over reacted ****. His son left to go punch his own meal ticket - sounds like the exact amount of reaction. It's not often the baby bird jumps out the nest to test his wings - usually you have to push them out.
 
Like I said,deal with that another time. Do it with a level head,not with an over reaction over a TV remote hanging over it. It's not worth a lifetime of hard feelings when all you have to say is "I shouldn't have blown up like that" and just leave it at that. If not,dealing with the other stuff is just gonna be seen by the kid as an extension of that fight.
I've got a temper and have had to make things right with all three of my kids,and God knows with my wife many a time when I've gone over the edge over stupid things when that wasn't really what was bothering me.
 
He's going to have hard feelings about being pushed out the house no matter what you do, just as well this as something else.
 
I have to ask? You lost it over a ball game? Maybe spending time with him years ago would have been a better option. Now I am as bad as the rest.... someone has to be at fault, and if you are a hard ask you have the control...... What a solution! You will feel real good if he goes to the service and comes back in a box. Im old and seen alot of family fights over finacial control issues that have lasted fourty years, and I still see no winner. Call him and have the talk with out telling him you have control over him....he is well aware of that. Offer to assist him finding a job etc. When I went to the Army, I was brain washed but now I see a different picture. I told my boys they should avoid the service because unlike the movies and war stories told by self made war heros (often known as cooks, or supply clerks) that in real combat, young boys die, and are screwed up the rest of their lives because our governent sticks their nose in outher countries business to make a few people rich. No one has to tell you it is pretty late in the game, but never give up and chose your words with care. The drug world will make him a offer better than yours. Once anger starts everything will fail. You have a big hill to climb but keep trying for the sake of your grand children if nothing else.
 
I often wonder if I made the right decision, many years ago, to not have kids. Every time I hear a story like yours (and don't feel alone. I hear more of these stories than the other kind) I feel better about my choice.
 
You went wrong by paying his way, why does he care about a job? You take care of his expenses. Time to cut the cord.
 
IMO, apologize to him and say that you are sorry for blowing up. Maybe it was building up inside of you for a long time, I don't know. THEN, tell him that his days of mooching off of you are over and that he can find somebody else to mooch off of or he can get a job and make a living like everybody else. It may take awhile, but eventually he will see how good he has had when he was bumming off of you.
 
Do what you want to do,but for all the spitting drooling phycho Dad fits I've let loose on my kids,I've still got a great relationship with them. They know I blow up on'em over things that I shouldn't. They joke about it every chance they get. I learned a long time ago that it's worth eating crow to have my family intact when I go off over things I shouldn't.
To each his own I guess,but NORTHEAST IOWA is right about this one. Life's too short. It's best to learn a little humility now and then and stick to the REAL issues. The kid ain't gonna ever prosper in life if he has things like this festering inside him.
 
(quoted from post at 07:01:13 01/21/13) Has someone been an "enablor" for him for several years? Our kids were taught from a young age that we expected them to go to college and be able to make their own way in the world - and they have done what was expected of them.

Some people thought that we were too tough on our kids, but our kids turned out great and most of their kids are losers (a few of them did turned out okay on their own, but they had to make a huge adjustment).

It does not hurt a kid to do some work, nor to be deprived of the things that most other parents give their kids. It's a good learning experience how life really is when they get on their own.
Click to expand...

Same thing here.....my parents gave each of us 14 kids a set of luggage as a graduation gift. We were always led to beleive once we graduated it was time to move on. Not a one of us has had to ever move back home.....
 
I have a 19yr old.!!
Trespassing into viewing space with the assumption of that authority is the issue. He managed to feel it was his choice without asking. Would he jump on your tractor and take it to a neighbors to use without asking? if so, the discussion about that which is yours, his, and ours needs to be addressed.
If he lets that (blowup) divorce him from your life, he might need some self powered reality. Jim
 
My opinion, since you asked.

Think about how much better it'd be if you had made things very clear, earlier in life so he had decisions points he had control over later in life.

For example - when he was sixteen, telling him you'll stop paying for his cell phone at 18 - it would have made it much easier to stop paying when he hit 18, and for him to know it was coming.

Car insurance till he's 21. Help with repairs until he's 24. etc etc.

Have staggered "expiration dates" like that set in stone from an early age and it makes it much easier on both of you when that time arrives.

If he doesn't find a means of picking up those expenses incrementally like that - he's got absolutely nobody to blame but himself, and he'll know it.

Leaving it vague "I'm not going to do this forever..." only means you're going to do it forever, because it's NEVER a good time to shut him off. It's like welfare. It almost guarantees it's going to end in hard feelings.

It's still not too late to set things straight.

Talk it out - ask him how long he thinks you should continue paying his bills. Let him see how ridiculous it sounds to say a number that's too high.

Turn this into a lesson on the value of establishing expectations BEFOREhand - that'll help him later in life. Not to mention the importance of having a plan in life.

At 20,it is late to start that, but not hopelessly late.

Work with him to come up with a reasonable plan of staggered expiration dates for your assistance. Then stick to that plan.

Remember, you had a hand in this problem. Expecting HIM to solve it all on his own isn't right. You'll have plenty of people tell you the tough love thing will force him into being a good man - but what people tend to forget is that just because that approach may have worked for them, there's still 10 times as many cases where it puts a peson on a crash course with addiction and perpetual government assistance. Take the opportunity to show your son the right way.
 
Establish contact with your son. Then have a peaceful discussion with your son about him gaining independence and standing on his own to feet.
I had a Great Uncle that ended a argument like you had with his son. Never seen or heard from his son or new what state he even lived in for 40 years. A relative contacted son and he came to visit his dad from Colorado to Michigan just before his dad died.
Son turned out to be successful with a doctorate degree.
 
If you feel that you should apolize for your behavior, then do it. BUT don"t make excuses for it. Say you were wrong and leave it at that. If you try to justify your actions, then your apoligy will fall on deaf ears.
SDE
 
You sound like some people I know, they have three kids in their middle twenties and are still supporting all three of them. I guess people must have stopped being parents some time back in the seventies. I had rules that had to be obeyed when I was growing up.
 
dej(jed),

I always make sure my kids know that I will like them for always and love them forever (even if I may be angry with them in the moment).

But with that said, we have always laid down definite rules of acceptable behavior and have expected them to be responsible for their chores and school work and most of all for their behavior. Not saying they have been perfect. In fact the two oldest did make a few bad decisions - but we held them 100 percent accountable for those decisions.

They also had to work to earn the money to make purchases above and beyond our providing them with the necessaties in life. If they wanted a Play Station or an X-Box they had to work to earn it.

And they have ALWAYS known that after high school THEY are responsible for their lives. They have to make a go of it, if they don't wish to live in a cardboard box or homeless shelter. We have even said they can live at home rent free for a couple years if they want to (to save money or go to college), but they will respect us and our home and they will prove they are saving money if living under our roof rent-free. We love them greatly - but will not be walked on like door mats just because they are our children.


And, NO - they would never grab a remote and change the TV or radio station on either my husband or me. Not acceptable behavior for a child to do to a parent. Geez, I'm 49 and I would never do that to my dad.

You have got your work cut out for you.

 
(quoted from post at 06:33:25 01/21/13) Talk to him. Never let him think you do not love him. Love does not equal money. He may think that. You pay for his life so that equals love. The price he has to pay for getting everything paid for is a few dust ups now and then. Thats a very good deal and a small rate of return. Now go on and pull his funding he will equate that to not being loved by his father. Explain again money does not have a thing to do with your love.
Click to expand...

No offense friend, but the kid is 20 freakin' years old! Treating him like a 4 year old got him where he is in the first place. What the kid needs isn't assurance that daddy loves him, it's the realization that HE better darn well love his DAD!!!!

I have a 23 yo that's just now starting to realize that life isn't a free ride that's all about se x, drugs and rock and roll. Time for the kid to man up and stand on his own. It's not easy, but he's got to grow up.
 
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