wake...?

Tonight we got word that my wife's best friend's mother had just
died...she was 78. Now we had only met this woman 4 times but
as we couldn't attend the funeral this Sunday, we decided the
correct thing to do was go to the wake tonight as tomorrow
night we have promised to visit my recently married sister at her
new home. So we left home at 9.00pm to drive for an hour to
find the home up in the mountains...No bother finding it as it
was all lit up and cars everywhere, even though we are having a
bit of a storm tonight, people still turned out to wake the dead.
Now this is a devout Roman Catholic family and the coffin is
open, the mirrors covered(what is that about?) and everyone is
being very sombre....Do you all still do that sort of thing in
America? Do you still have the funeral on the 3rd day? I know
this is a bit morbid but I am curious....And of course I met a
bloke or two there that recognised me from old tractor shows
and we got talking..............!
Sam

My experience is generally "Protestant". Right here "calling hours", at one of the many "funeral homes", are generally standard, followed in a couple days by the "funeral", or "service".
Casket can be open or closed.
Variations are becoming more common. Much of this "tradition" I think mainly benefits the funeral industry now.
We will be cremated. How, who, what, and where any gathering for the living who want to come together is yet to be determined. I hope we can figure that out soon enough. We are fortunate enough to have plots in the old part of the cemetary, where most of 6 previous generations lay, and it can't be reached with a backhoe!

I've never heard of a Catholic funeral held on a Sunday. There is usually a rosary prayed at the wake, which is held the night before the funeral.

Seems like burial is usually the third day... though sometimes delayed in order to allow family to travel from distant states.

Usually not somber, and no one around here dresses in black anymore. Nice dress clothes - but seldom black anymore. (upper Midwest of US)

When my mom died last year, at the "visitation" we had photo boards set up to celebrate her life. Sometimes we cried, as did dear friends... at other moments we would laugh as memories of mom where shared. We had a computer set up in the family/kitchenette area so family and friends could go in that room and skype with my nephew who was serving in Iraq. And for both the visitation and the funeral we made mountains of homemade food and cakes...all in honor of mom as she was a fabulous cook and that's the way she would have done it. It was neat evening of connecting with family and friends. She had to be proud looking down on it all... except I don't believe "proud" is something one feels in heaven.

Forgot to say... my husband said he has heard a pastor say that mirrors are sometimes covered so that those in mourning can feel free to cry - but then not have to see themselves looking sad, dishelved, red-eyed, etc. (Perhaps and older custom... not sure.)

I thought covering mirrors was a Jewish tradition....

There's nothing morbid about your post in my opinion. We're all going to end up 'not living' someday. Marilyn was raised in a devout Catholic family so I asked her about the mirrors. She said she's heard about it but can't remember anything about it so I Googled it and here's what I found. I hope I didn't cross the boundary by cutting and pasting from a website. Jim


"While some death, mourning and burial practices vary widely, the practice of covering mirrors after a death seems to be one ritual which spans time, cultures and religions. In many traditions, there appears to be a connection between the soul and the mirror, with a belief that the soul can be reflected or captured by the mirror's reflective surface"

"inherent in the myth was belief in the existence of a double, or of a soul taking on substance." Thus, according to Fioratti, "some ancients even believed that looking at one's reflection could invite death since the image was thought to capture the soul. Consequently, mirrors had to be veiled and water-filled vessels covered after death" to prevent others from dying as well".

The mirrors are covered because some people believe that the dead person's soul may become entrapped in the mirror. I have read recently that some people who are dying in the winter months are wanting to be kept on ice and waiting to have the funeral in the summer. Strange? Maybe so.

Sweetfeet, your husband's statement is partly in line with Jewish tradition. In Judaism mirrors are covered to curtail human vanity. They believe people should forget about their looks and center their attention on the soul. I don't know if the custom is practiced today or not. Jim

Down here in the deep south I don't hear the term "wake" very often. When I was a lad the practice was that when a person died he/she was taken to the funeral home, embalmed, stuffed into their best clothes and placed in the casket. The casket and its contents were then returned home, placed in the best room in the house, and from then until time for the funeral various people remained in the room. It was called "settin' up" with the deceased, and there was someone in there at all times, a family member or friends of the family. People from the community would trickle in and out over the next day or two, usually bringing food. The table was always set, and it was an open smorgasbord.

In the meantime there was a crew of men out at the cemetery digging the grave, with picks, grubbing hoes and shovels. My dad volunteered for that detail on several occasions. Usually on the third day the hearse picked the body up and delivered it to the funeral site---almost always in a church, even if the dearly departed had never darkened the doors of one before. After the funeral everyone went back to the house and finished up the food. Unless you had a dairy, like my family did, and in that case you went back and started the second milking.


That's the way it was eout in the country where I grew up. It may have been different elsewhere.

But times have changed, and now the standard practice here is that the funeral is still held on the third day; not set in stone, but the usual thing. We have what's called a visitation, usually held at the mortuary (funeral home, we call it in the South) for about two hours on the evening before the funeral. Not infrequently the deceased is moved to a church for the funeral services, but most funerals are held at the funeral home.

What I have described is the Caucasian way. Black people here have their own, different process. (There is no racial animus intended here, and I hope no one tries to interpret it as such.)

Black people very rarely hold a funeral less than a week from the time of the death. I think they might have a better idea there: the grieving family is surrounded by friends for a longer period of time, giving them a longer time to be comforted and to accept the idea the loss. They also tend to make the week of mourning more of an "occasion", which helps the family through the grieving process.



Black folks down here (this is not a racial thing, it's just a statement of pure fact) generally have a full week

Sweetfeet, I have gone to several wakes in recent years where there are easels set up with pictures of the deceased and his/her family from the past. I think it is great and makes the event much less somber. I went to one this past summer for a farmer in his 90s who I have known all my life. There were many wonderful pictures of him taken when I first met him when I was a child. Although there were many tears, there was a lot of reminiscing about the old days as well. After the funeral, there was a gathering at the firehouse (he was a founding member of the fire department) and friends and relatives brought a wonderful array of home cooked food.
It seems like a celebration of the person's long life. When a young person dies, it is a much sadder event in my opinion.

Disregard last line. I mistakenly hit 'Submit' before I edited.

One other thing I meant to say about black funerals: those attending invariably wear their best attire, a befitting show of respect for the deceased. (Yes, I have attended black funerals.)
White funerals seem to have become very casual affairs. I have been appalled at how some people---even family members---have dressed. Guess I'm just too old-fashioned for this hip new world.

Brian G. NY,
Yes, much easier to celebrate a live fully lived, loved and enjoyed... like my mom's was. I think the photo boards a couple momentos are neat to have at the visitation.

On the other hand...
When my brother was 15, both he and my oldest sister's husband died in a car accident. I was 9 then...nobody smiled for a long time at our house. Really, really a hard thing.

Fixerupper,
I will tell him. Makes sense.

I'm a lifelong Catholic, and with almost 3 dozen aunts and uncles, all deceased, I've gone to my share of funerals, but never heard of the mirror thing, in any religion. The easels with picture displays were very common, but now usually a montage of the pictures is shown on a automatic video display as well. Wakes are usually in the funeral home, but if large crowds are expected, the visitation is held in the church, as well as the funeral the next day. Especially in colder weather, so people don't have to stand outside. But I've seen lines that the church couldn't contain, either.

My wife thinks my family is a little crazy we go the funeral either at a funeral home or at the cemetery. After we cry and carry on for about an hour and here stories about the dead we go to the closest family members house and have a party. We tell great funny stories about the dead and eat a big meal and just enjoy the rest of the day. All in all it's a sad morning and great afternoon.
Walt

Funerals are supposed to be about celebrating the life of the deceased with others. This helps those that were hurt deal with the loss and also a time to socialize with others that you may not see otherwise.
It is to remember the dead, but also to remember the living and connect again, if for a bad reason.

There isn't much socializing anymore with the advent of the computer, LOL. I do believe we need to spend more time out there and less time sitting here in our communities. I am going to make that my New Years Resolution.

Lastly, its also time to put the "Fun" back in funeral. I want everyone to have a Grand Old Time on that day, as it will be MY day. Others were born on my birthday and others may have died. The day I die, and I have MY funeral, better be a FUN time for all.

Hum. In Massachusetts there must be 45 jokes about Irish wakes. Usually with alcohol in the punchline.
I heard of the mirror thing, I remember the old generation French Canadians did that years ago, not so much around here, but here there are virtually no wakes in a private house, but funeral homes, they do the embalming ang make arrangements for services, make the person look as good and 'peaceful' as possible. But with more cremations....
Fewer in church mass or services, half the time even catholics have a preist or nun services and blessings just at the cemetary- and then to a bar, well, restaurant with liquor license, or not during the wake, but after the funeral- to someone's home if a big crowd isn't expected, old people tend to outlive all their friends and relatives... Families aren't as close as they were, people move away, lose contact... the world keeps changing...
Open casket is still common, unless a bad accident? or time has gone by etc, or again, a cremation first.

In my area what you describe is usually held at the Funeral Home the night before the funeral where friends and relatives of the deceased come to view the deceased and usually go by and see the immediate family.A lot of people that are more distantly connected to the deceased will usually come to this than go to the funeral.
The term most people use to describe it is 'family
night'

Jerry, black friends have told me that the delay of the funeral is often to let family members who live away have time to get home. Black funerals here are often very much a community thing and respect for the deceased and their family is VERY evident.

Yes- I have noticed the same thing. I don't understand it. I'm not a suit and tie person, and I don't make it my business how others dress. But I have been surprised to see persons much older than myself at funerals dressed like they're going to the corner store.