O.T. am I being thin-skinned, or do I have a gripe??

just another old geezer · Apr 12, 2012

Kinda along, please bear with me. I have an aunt and uncle who have a farm near me. The uncle passed away about three years ago and for years they had rented the farm land to K. K is a good kid with a new wife and child just starting out. I didn't mind that. Three years ago milk price went down and K had trouble making the rent. Neighbor P heard about this went over to my aunt's and made a deal to rent him the 20 acres near me in spite of the fact that I had told them years ago that I would rent anything for the going rate that K did not want.
They were upset with P for tearing up the waterways. I told my I would be more than happy to rent this for the going rate already last fall.P went in late last fall and chisel plowed the field. This spring he used it as an excuse to get his foot in the door and now has the land rented for three more years.
Ever since my uncle passed away, we have been helping out up there to keep things going. We took down a bunch of trees along the machine shed, put a new roof on a milk house, and do a lot of cutting of firewood. In fact I cut about 75% of their firewood for them. This year my cousin needs a new axle installed in the 350, a new furnace installed, several big trees cut out of the yard, and a fence line cleared. Normally would have no problem helping him out with this, but now that they've rented this land out to P for another three years, when he needs help I'm considering telling them to just go and see P.
I am upset because I feel that I'm only good enough when they need some help, and when they've got some land to rent out and someone could make some money on it they just ignore me and rented to someone else.
Am I being thin-skinned to be upset about this or do I have a legitimate gripe??

just another old geezer · Apr 12, 2012

P.S. never charged or recieved a dime for the work I did for them.

Nancy Howell · Apr 12, 2012

Tough situation. Think I would go talk to the aunt and tell her what you"ve said here.

yessam · Apr 12, 2012

Almost the same problem here my brother had been renting a tract of land for over 25 years for a woman after she passed he had it for a few years last year someone who work away from the farm offered a couple of dollars more to the daughter he was out they were in.Then he goes around saying he is going to put every small farmer out of bussiness because he can pay land rent up front.He will take everything out of the ground then dump the ground.

Mike Groom · Apr 12, 2012

I think you have a legitmate gripe,I don't like being used either and that's what's happening to you,I would tell your aunt why you're upset and put the ball in there hands,then see what happens and you'll know where you stand with them.

Errin OH · Apr 12, 2012

Not me. BTDT, I wouldn't say anything except I'm busy.

Do not take it personal. People are some of the dumbest things to ever breathe air. I have seen them turn down kin to just turn around and give it all to a total stranger. And vis-versa, give it to the most dead beat piece of trash kin, when they need it themselves.

I would let them lay in the bed they make. If they come to me and say they are upset for this or that, look them straight in the eye and say "told you so" and walk.

If they need help, unless I am totally bored and need something to do, "sorry I am busy". I would almost bet ya if you said "come help me finish", they would never show up.

I am a firm believer in tough love. If you are try’n to help yourself I will go out of my way to help. If you just want someone to unload y’er troubles on, not me. My call based on their actions. Keep acting stupid, I am going to let you be stupid.......

the tractor vet · Apr 12, 2012

Ah family. They are the first to take advantage and the last to help ya out. Or do for you. Couple years ago i ran into this with the War Dept's side on a fence building project . Went there layed it all out moved in everything i needed hauled everything in for the job moved the skid steer in with the hyd auger and started the job . Got one side up and went there the next day to find that she had called in a friend of hers TO HELP me . He was using my tools and wanted the keys for the skidsteer and was put out that i did not leave them in it so he could use that too. Well i blew up and loaded up everything that belonged to me came completely unglued with the wifes aunt and left. Since then i have not attended anything that has to do with her side and they also expected and apology from me for my behavior . I can tell ya now that that will never happen . And not one of them is welcome in my home .

evilboweviel · Apr 12, 2012

I would not have the time to do anything else there
Ron

Anonymous-0 · Apr 12, 2012

family is so much more fun when there is an ocean and a few states between you.......

If i was in your shoes (which I wouldn't be because I'da toldem to pack sand years ago).. They'd freeze thier asses off waiting on anything from me or my under the roof family.....

That's just me and all my people skills tho.....

David G · Apr 12, 2012

Family, it explains everything, run away.

retired farmer · Apr 12, 2012

I think you have a gripe. Let them go it on their own. You have better things to do with your time. Been in the same situation, won't do it again.

El Toro · Apr 12, 2012

They're taking advantage of you. I would give them the silent treatment. My wife's parents moved back to the old farm in PA when my FIL's dad was unable to work. They lived there and farmed for 16 years. Then his parents sold the farm and his sister and brother that were teachers and never did any work around the farm came in took everything that had any value. That was in 1938 when they sold and they moved to MD. My FIL went to work for the goverment and retired from there. Relatives are the worst when someone dies. My brother's fifth wife ask my mom to will her the old home they bought when they left the farm. In a few words my mom told her to get lost. My nephew has the home now. Hal

kyplowboy · Apr 12, 2012

You have a gripe but it could always be worse! They cut you out of rent'n it. The worthless blue haired huzzy that you had gone out of your way to help for years could have sold the farm across the road from your house to an ever more worthless, most pompus b****** you ever met.

3 years, 3 months and 16 days ago and yes I am still just a tad bitter bout it.

Dave

Anonymous-0 · Apr 12, 2012

I learned young about family. Tried to be of help whenever possible on the uncle's farm. Just wanted to learn, no pay expected, so helped do the stuff nobody else wanted to. When I was old enough to really work, I was passed over for a stranger who was paid. I got mad at my uncle and told him I would have wanted to be treated like the paid farm hand and didn't want any special favors because I was kin. I wanted to learn. We moved to town and that was the end of it.

JDseller · Apr 12, 2012

ONLY YOU can let yourself be taken advantage of. You are being taken advantage of. So just stop doing anything for them. I would go an set down and tell them why you are no longer going to be available to help them out. Then follow through on what you tell them. No more free help. Tell them what it is going to cost for your help. Make them a bill and charge them. Let "P" go help for free.

oldtanker · Apr 12, 2012

You have a gripe.....me , I'd confront them with it, but that's me.

Rick

Cas · Apr 12, 2012

I thought it was just my family that did things this way.

Allan in NE · Apr 12, 2012

Yep,

Tell 'em to go see "P" for their bidding.

Allan

paul · Apr 12, 2012

Funny how often family is like that so often.

You have a gripe.

Do you sit on it, do you just drift away, or do you blow up over it?

That's up to you. We're all different, we deal with such stuff differently.

But yea, you have a gripe.

--->Paul

jackinok · Apr 12, 2012

Join the crowd,Ive never dealt with family that I didnt take a beating some way.I dont even hear from my own kids unless they want something.As I get older ive gotten more adept at finding excuses though,and I can ignore a ringing phone with the best of them.in fact the best thing i ever got was caller id!!

in-too-deep · Apr 12, 2012

Drop in and say hi to "K" maybe he could use some uplifting.

Dachshund · Apr 12, 2012

"Who needs enemies, when you have family....."

Pete in MD · Apr 12, 2012

You've been used and abused. She's shown you how much she cares about you. Show her the same.

8N'r--WI · Apr 12, 2012

Family---as much as they probably do care about each other, oftentimes they just take everyone and everything for granted and expect more than they should. Kinda like "entitlements".

Howard H. · Apr 12, 2012

I'd say talk to her. You never know - maybe she has a gripe against you that you're not even aware of.

I came home from college one time and there was an old junky tank on a trailer out back I hadn't seen before. Dad made a joke about using "drip gas" out of that old tank.. Drip used to be free for the taking/stealing around a lot of oil/gas wells out in this area as sort of a waste product...

I was SHOCKED because I though he meant he helped himself to some drip gas out of a compressor station down in one of his fields... He is as honest as any man I've ever known.

It wasn't until 10-15 years later he made a chance, offhand comment about that old tank again - and remarked he had bought that at a farm sale - and didn't realize it was full of drip gas until he got home with it...

I was really relieved to finally know the whole story - but was very shocked to realize how easy misconceptions could happen where you'd never even know the whole story until you dig a little.

Howard

Anonymous-0 · Apr 12, 2012

Offer to buy it. If they say no be done with them.

just another old geezer · Apr 12, 2012

Buying not an option, it's in a trust for the kids.

Bill in IL · Apr 12, 2012

I think you are legit on your gripe from what you tell on your side of the story. You have helped and they throw you out the door. I would think its reasonable to have P or themselves do the work for them but be ready for a battle and to draw some lines in the sand. The more you let them walk on you the worse its going to get.

guido · Apr 12, 2012

Hello Just Another Old Geezer,
Man! You have already turned the other cheek!
Stop cease and desist.Its payback time.
Tell them to go see Mr.P.
I would, after all the abuse you have taken, its about time.
Guido.

Tom-NorthCenTX · Apr 12, 2012

Keep in mind, you teach people how to treat you. Sit down calmly and go over all the details, and then tell them you no longer have an obligation to help them out. This way, it just doesnt sit there festering in a pot of miscommunication. They know exactly why you took your actions. Then wash your hands of it all, and drop it. You will live longer/happier.
Tom

Phil in Pa · Apr 12, 2012

My family abused my good will and free labor for 2 decades, because I thought I was doing the right thing.

Once I got my head on straight and cut it off cold, my life has improved immensely.

wisbaker · Apr 12, 2012

If you're good at confrontation and most of us aren't explain to your Aunt how she has hurt you, don't have any expectations or demands just tell her what she has done and that it hurt you. It is then up to her to repent and fix the problem, don't be surprised if she doesn't. Then kind of withdraw from their activities. DO NOT make it a "I WON'T HELP YOU BECAUSE...." that'll make you sound petty and as if you are trying to get back at them, if confronted just explain they hurt you and the wound is still a little tender for you to be taking the dressing off and maybe getting hurt again. In short explain to them your hurt, repair of that hurt has to come from them without demands or conditions from you, don't expect much. Good Luck

DeanOlson · Apr 13, 2012

Buy it from the trust. Payments go into the trust so the kids still get the money.

DeanOlson · Apr 13, 2012

Go have a calm ,cool, rational conversation and get it off your chest. They may just be oblivious to the issue. Get the situation acceptable to you.

Their failure to rent you the land affects your income. I believe you should find some revenue producing activity that keeps you too busy to do their chores.

I am a Plumber by trade and everybody gets charged for plumbing work. Friends and family get a lot of free help for non plumbing projects, after I've made my living. I make sure my wife, kids, and myself are taken care of before I worry about the rest of the family. Just my hang up.

just another old geezer · Apr 14, 2012

I guess I did not totaly explain myself. they decided before he died that they would sell no more land and then started the trust. so buying it now is not an option. after she is gone, I can try to buy it from the 4 daughters (they are the ones getting this 80 that has theis tillable 20 is attatched)

O.T. am I being thin-skinned, or do I have a gripe??

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