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OT How to deal with MIL to be that don't like you?

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MIKE FRENCH

Member
Ok, got to ask my tractor friends here. How do you deal with a mother in law? I know you have to make peace and all but I need some help here. Any ideas?
 
Are you asking whether to use a John Deere backhoe or a Case? The Case should work fine. Remember to dig a large hole, as it is always the shallow grave that police find.
 
just walk away & keep distance
i never discourage my wife from seeing / talking to her mother, i am just never involved
when she calls, i don"t pick up the phone , when i see her in town, i walk the other way
last time she showed up at my house , saw her coming in the front door, i went out the back door just saying what works for me
told my wifey, the next time her mom & i spend any time together, one of us will be in a box looking up !!!
bob
 
I married my wife in Aug, and when my ship got back, my wife and I made a home for ourselves in Suffolk VA, which was about 1000 miles from my MIL in Birmingham, AL. In all the years of wedded bliss, I've had it out with her only twice. On one occasion, I was arguing with my wife when she walked into our living room to tell her to keep it down. My wife can be loud when she's mad. I looked at my mother in law, and told her that it was none of her business, and I don't need anyone inserting themself into our discusion. The next day, when I got home, my wife told me that her mom had told her she was lucky to have someone who sticks up for her, even when we're fighting. On an other occasion, she was enlightening us on how smart her ways were from before the depression, who are we kidding, before the flood. I told her that if I want her opinion, I would have married her. Beyond that my mother and law and I have kept our discourse minimal. I suppose that if I lived in Birmingham, I would be doing time, as soon as they find the body. The best advice I could give is to take a job in another state, Preferably one that deploys to combat zones where they can't come along and tell you how their late husband would have done things much better.
 
My Mother has hated my wife from day one, at 83 she has finally decided to play nice, we have only been married for 33 years! MIL loves me.(and she is a fruit loop)
 
I have no advice, but I was there for 42 years. Not exactly a hate relationship, but a long ways from best friends. Me, a hard headed, conservative, independent, german descent type guy. She, and my father-in-law just about exact opposites. Still, I was the guy they both turned to when there was problem. I finally realized that I had to manage the situation for me, and I was only hurting my wife, who I dearly love, by fighting it. Not saying it was easy, I had to take a lot of long walks around the block at times, but it did work out and we managed to get along until they both passed. She got the last laugh on me. She had a little dog that I just didn't like at all, he was a real knothead. As she neared the end she worried about him. I thought he's 13, how longs he gonna live? I told her, don't worry, I'll take care of him. The little angel lived to be 18.
 
My late MIL was a wonderful person and a great cook. She made the best peach cobbler Ever. How could I not get along with her?
 
Well, at least she's up-front about it, in that you know she don't like you. My MIL was one of those goody-goody to your face hypocrites who would then talk about you behind your back. My wife and I had been married for several years before I found out that she didn't like me.
 
MIL to be? You have your work cut out for you. Your tongue is going to look like fresh hamburger when you want to speak and got to keep your mouth shout.
 
I have had two. The first just treated me like another of her kids and I thought of her as another mother. It helped that she was a life long friend of my Mother so we all knew each other for a long time.

My second MIL is in Ohio. I did not get along with her at all at first. I was taking her oldest child 600 miles away to live. She has always been the decision maker in her house. It worked as my FIL was not a leader. A good soldier but no drive or direction. So they worked well as a couple. She did not deal with a SIL that was the one to lead the house hold. The even bigger problem for years was she could not understand how her daughter did not want to run the household. My wife does not want the responsibility that comes with that. We talk over the big stuff but the little things we each handle. My MIL and I have gotten along much better the last ten years or so. She knows that I can and do take good care of her daughter.( My wife has several bad health problems) Plus my MIL is in very poor health herself. She has started to have me take care of things she knows will need to be done when she passes on. None of her kids would be very good at handling those type of things.

I say treat your MIL with respect. Regardless of how she treats you. She will always be your wife's mother. That bond is a strong one in most cases. So just try to take the high road as much as you can. Remember she is looking at the "real" you too. Many of us should not throw rocks in a glass house.
 
Be nice to her! It will drive her nuts.

Seriously, I have no advice, 'cause I never had the problem. My MIL and I got along great.
 
In all honesty, how close to her mother is your bride to be? If she is not that close, like mine is, you have it made. At several points your MIL will attack your wife, and I assure you, you can nload on her with impunity. If the MIL and your soon to be wife have long standing issues, your MIL is a non concern. She is not a player in your marriage, and you are better off not getting along with her. If, however, your young bride is tight with her mom, you have my sympathy, and you better watch what you say. The good news though is that if the two are close, the better you and your wife are, the more the MIL will be with you.
 
Is she a decent, clean, normal person? Mine is from an episode of "hoarders". Meals with cat hair in em. Standing to eat cuz the table is loaded with rummage. She didn't lke me cuz word got back that I bad mouthed her house and I speak out about her son who can do no wrong (but is maried to an idiot). Now that my FIL passed she is much nicer to me plus she knows and sees that I take good care of her daughter. Although, her other SIL's are "much better, richer, more succesful..."
 
Mike, As others have said your wife and her Mom will always be that,,,, What to do since she for some reason doesn't think you are Good Enought for her Daughter and doesn't like you!!!!
#1, Be Sincere in all things!
#1A Alway treat your Wife with Respect and Dignify!
#2 Never say any unkind things, Thought they may be TRUE about your M-I-L in mixed Company! EVER!!!! it can get back to her!!!!
#2A SHUT UP! Be Seen and Not Heard!!! Remind yourself of what your Mom & Dad taught you....
Mind your Ps and Qs, No Smart remarks or comebacks!
#3 Do what you would do to win here over to your side as if you were trying to win over a new girl friend who won't go out with you!!!
#4 have you said or done something to unset her???
Fix IT!!!!
#5 It may take along time to Fix whatever the problem your MIL has with you. Your wife Knows what you need to do to fix it ask Her for her insight, so be prepared to work at it for a long time.
Hope this helps.
Later,
John A.
 
Depends on how well you get along with your wife and how well the wife gets along with her mother. If the MIL is trying to run your relationship then things are only going to get worse unless you set some strict ground rules from the start. You married your wife, not the MIL, and she does not have any authority over you or your wife's relationship. If your wife allows the MIL control, then the wife has to put an end to that as well. The major reason my dad got divorced from his first wife was because of his MIL trying to run their relationship. This was way before I came along but it still applies.
 

Thought my 1st one was great, just couldn't stand her daughter.......this one my wife don't even like (grandmother raised her from 2 years old). Grandmother is like my MIL and we get along great cause she sees the wife more than she used to...... She's 87 now and we always have a couple beers together
 
I cant help you,I have a great mother in law. After we voluntered at the Church yesterday we went to have dinner with her, She sheduled the dinner for us,because we were late.
 
My MIL is great, she fed me for a year while I built my home 11 years ago. My wife and I lived with her parents while I built the home. I had a good hot meal each night, MIL is a good cook.

In your case....Be nice I guess. Ask your wife what her mother's problem is, Why doesnt she like you, etc.
Or.....If you just want to get it over with....Cyanide works too.
 
I just irritated her as much as she did me...for about 40 years until she passed. She always told me she had a bad heart, and I told her that was impossible cause she had no heart.
 
I see on down here where Huntress recommends backhoes. MIL's are like lawyers. Need a big hole- at least 12 feet deep. Deep down they're good.
 
MY MIL'S WERE FINE IT WAS THERE DAUGHTERS I HAD TROUBLE WITH (ALL 5 OF THEM)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
My first MIL was very hard to get along with, once my first wife and I started dating, as we grew up together, she was always just as nice a freindly as she could be. Even to this day, she still blames me for the death of my first wife and son. My current MIL, well shes OK, its my FIL I have had problems with. He now suffers from Parkinsons, and pretty much leaves everyone alone!! Most of the time, I just ignored him!
 
Mike,true story,When me and my wife got married my mil was the meaniest woman I knew,we got into it one night and I hit her upside the head as hard as I could,and put her in the hospital.She had me arrested and charged with assalt and battery.I went to court to pay the fine and the judge told me not to pay it,but I did anyway.Several days later my check was returned with a note on the back of it saying it was about time someone hit that woman and signed by the judge.Through the years we were the best friends

jimmy
 
I'm happy to say I have pretty good in laws - including mother and father in law. Part of it is because they had a similar back ground to my family when they started out. Both families had farms when the kids were born. Shortly after sold the farms and moved on with raising a family. People with even a little farm life experience have a different outlook on life than those that never had it.
 
Two options.

Option One: tell the wife to be "I love you, want to spend my life with you, isn't a thing that I wouldn't do for you, but you know as well as I do that your mother hates me and there will never be a thing that I will ever be able to do to please her, and because I love you so, the best thing that I can do is to not try to come between you, take care, good by". She will either go home and cool the prospective MIL's jets, or she will not. And maybe even the prospective MIL will call you "Please, please, please I beg of you, please don't...".

Option two: Blackmail the prospective MIL. Use photoshop software and a printer to create a picture of her kissing someone under the Christmas tree that wasn't Santa, and print copies to give her with a warning, "You hate me, I hate you, we both love your daughter, and that aint Santa giving you some kind of gift there". Make you a deal. Get me a picture of the prospective MIL, and I will take care of Option Two for you.

Good luck.

Mark
 
have had more years experience with In-Laws. My problem was MFI. He hated me from the go. He was a Corn-Beef Farmer I was a Dairy-Man. He was a staunch English-man I was a Bull-headed-Dutchman. When Marg and I got engaged he had one word "Congratulation" From then on the battle was on. Marg was a tall women and at that time weight was 109 lbs.Being in college they bought her a meal ticket and no money for snacks. She was flat hungry. My mother was a excellent cook. If you went away hungry it was your fault so Margery loved to come to my house and eat with us as a results she started to put some meat on that beautiful body, So old FIL &
MIL go in attach mode "Margery you are getting fat,are you Pregnant". This type of remarks were a constant flow from her parents even to the point of having the family minister consul Her father qas insermental in her first teaching job (Clear accross the state from me. That was a big mistake One of the other teachers had a new car and her fellow lived 10 miles from me. Well girls are girls. Marg would buy the gas so every weekend her they came. Her parents never knew this till thry went up to visit her and the other teacher's told them she was down to see me like she was every week an she had moved out of the room at a mninister & his wife's home and moved in with the rest of the teachers, So we decided to get married. What about FIL? In Iowa Marg was under age 20 so to get a marrage licenses she had to have dear old father sign off. Solution!We will go to Missouri they do not have to have parental permission. "Who's going to tell you father". Her answer "I will". I Never will forget her getting out of the car and walking to the house. She came out with a big smile."We are going to have a Wedding here at the house on Christmas Day". "I told them straight-out we have a wedding here or I am going out and get in the car and we are going to Missouri and get married. I could ask for any greater love from her than that. The point I want to make is it is not what your in-laws think of you it is the love you have for each other that really counts. gitrib
 
Flatter her sometimes maybe something you get to eat even a cookie she baked .. Say how come you never taught my wife how to bake those like that.

Or can I have that recipe?

Always agree with her, then just do your own thing.
Worked for me.
 
Mike,

(Full disclosure, MH3K, 20 yrs in March, Married, house, 3 kids, Married at 30 and only once. isn't that enough! LOL)

1st congrats on the impending nuptials.

Reminds me something my boss told me when I was 16 about marriage. Billy said.

Marriage, the 1st year is great, breakfast in bed, love all the time. 2nd year is still pretty good. 3rd year, your wife starts to agree with your MIL and your "screwed".

Having said that remember 2 things,

"wife" is a four letter word and marriage is a life long sentence!

Just kidding. Marriage can be wonderful. In-laws can be too! My MIL, God Bless her, was sweet. just like her daughter. My FIL supportive and respectful.

My poor wife had to endure my mother, who, was to be respectful, a difficult person.

I will assume, as you are asking this question, your future MIL and you do not see eye to eye.

As most have said, Love, cherish and take good care of your wife and the MIL will respect you even if she doesn't show it.

Bite your tongue except to defend your wife if MIL is disrespectful, cruel etc. to her. In that case stand up for your marriage and your wife and
leave or drive your MIL home. Do not tolerate disrespect of your wife from anyone! PERIOD.

If possible, which in these times is hard, do not live with your MIL/FIL. That has been the ruin of many marriages that otherwise would have been fine.

Try to hold off on having kids until you have been married at least a few years. This is important for 2 reasons.
1. It allows you and your wife to build a strong bond with many fond memories that sustain your marriage later. Once kids come it gets a lot harder.
2. On the slim chance you find your not compatible it makes for a lot less messy to dissolve the marriage and in some cases leaves annulment open as a option.

Pete
 
first off try treat anyone with the same way you like to treated, family or not. yea its hard i know cause going on 35 yrs marriage, and i stiil heard about what i done wrong all the time. not by my inlaws thou by my own father. nedless to say it stopped last august age 93. i helped carry him out of the house. just take it one day at time and never ridicule her,even thou you might get treated like sh!t. yea its hard. i try get along with everyone cause life is to short to be bitching all time. good luck but like i said treat her like you would be treated all i can give you for advice. i have the biggest issues with my brother/sisters inlaws,they treat their mother like sh!t. due to health issues i have her in my home to help her (motherinlaw) which i get along with. rest of her family can't wait for her to die they can get all the inheritence.
 
first off try treat anyone with the same way you like to treated, family or not. yea its hard i know cause going on 35 yrs marriage, and i stiil heard about what i done wrong all the time. not by my inlaws thou by my own father. nedless to say it stopped last august age 93. i helped carry him out of the house. just take it one day at time and never ridicule her,even thou you might get treated like sh!t. yea its hard. i try get along with everyone cause life is to short to be bitching all time. good luck but like i said treat her like you would be treated all i can give you for advice. i have the biggest issues with my brother/sisters inlaws,they treat their mother like sh!t. due to health issues i have her in my home to help her (motherinlaw) which i get along with. rest of her family can't wait for her to die they can get all the inheritence.
 
1 - Treat her like a lady whether she is or not.
2- Behave like a gentleman. I know that's frowned on now a day's but do it anyway.
3 - Alway's treat her with respect. Everyone should be treated that way anyhow.
4 - Be good to her daughter & remember, she loved her first.
5 - NEVER argue with your spouse in front of her Mother. Her sympathy's will alway's go with her child.
Last but not least,I'll tell you a secret. Women are incapable of forgiving or forgetting when it comes to their children. Every time she thinks you wronged her child it go's in a lock box deep in her heart. It NEVER comes out.

BTW - I had a great MIL. Even though she didn't like the idea of me taking her daughter from her one bit she gave me a chance.
 
Realize that after your amorous physical infatuation with your new wife-to-be is over, you will be married to a slightly younger version of the mother in law you hate!
My advise. Sober up and take a strong look at the woman you are about to marry!!!
 
I married the last child, a daughter. Odd thing was her Mom liked me, but her Dad didn't. After going together for 2 years he finally just sort of accepted me and even showed up to the wedding. For sometime after we were married when my wife would want to visit with them I would stay home. After a few years I realized how stupid that was of me, so I would take her to visit her folks. He always wore a gimme hat as he was missing a lot of hair so one time I brought him a new gimme hat that was given to me. After that, I was the best son in law he had. Funny how simple things can change a relationship.
We have been married 34 years now and sadly her mom passed earlier this year and her dad is in a home with Alzheimer and doesn't remember anyone.
Take her some nice trinket now and then, tell her some of the nice things that you and your wife have done, maybe invite her to go along. She will warm up to you with time, you just have to understand her thinking and try to meld in with it. Don't wait too long as bad feelings tend to fester over time, and that will reflect into your marriage with your wife.
 
Just what I was thinking. Be careful what you wish for, you might end up with it. I think you're seeing a warning.
 
My MIL didn't like me marrying her youngest daughter and told her you're not living with us.
She told her mother she would be living near Ft Bragg NC when I was stationed at FT Bragg during the Korean War. When my FIl died she moved in with us for 14 years. She had 2 homes to live in. Had to drive her to SC every Fall to spend the Winter in FL. Her grandson would drive up to SC to get her. In the Spring we had to drive to SC to get her. She wouldn't fly, but when she died in 1984 she was flown to PA in a body bag from FL. Hal
Here's a pic taken in 1956. Been together going on 59 years.
2nv46x3.jpg
 
i have been down that road. no matter what i did it was wrong she hated me with a passion the only thing i did was marry her oldest daughter who was adopted at birth. i always thought mom had idea daughter owed her a debt that daughter had to repay as long as mom lived and i messed that up.
my now mil is the greatest and i have told her that more than once. she loves me like one of her own.
Ev has dementia and doesn't remember much ,but she remembers me.
i told her once i have had 2 mother in laws the first was from 1134 (turn the numbers over) but now i have a good one.
 
(quoted from post at 08:24:01 12/26/11) Realize that after your amorous physical infatuation with your new wife-to-be is over, you will be married to a slightly younger version of the mother in law you hate!
My advise. Sober up and take a strong look at the woman you are about to marry!!!
Click to expand...


LOL boy is that off base. My oldest sons MIL is in need of serious help and his wife is a sweet heart.

On the other hand my MIL isn't anywhere close to a rocket scientist and in fact could be classed as being a few bricks short of a load while my wife is very intelligent (has to be from the FIL's side). When we first got married I couldn't stand both the MIL or FIL. FIL wasn't a bad guy but very demanding. My dad kept telling me "son it's her parents and you got to learn to live with it". I did for about 6 months and then stood up to him and he has been fooled into thinking that I'm his best SIL sense. I tolorate my MIL because it keeps the wife happy. I now look at my MIL as a not very bright but nice lady.

Now on the other hand my mother wasn't nice at all to my wife or my sisters husband. I our case my mom was convinced that I was going to be a preacher or a doctor and wasn't happy when we got married and in fact told my young wife at the time that "she had riuned my life by seducing me and getting me to marry her". And anytime my sister and her husband had an arguement she would cry on moms shoulder and then mom would call me (while I was still in the Army) or tell me when I stopped by her house (daily) after retirement and I was supposed to tell the BIL that he was wrong and should do what my sister wanted. Most of the time it was my sister who was wrong. Lucky for mom when her health went south that my wife was there to help her when needed and was the only one to see her every day after mom went into a nursing home. I missed 3 days, my MIL, her mom and 2 sisters visited almost every day and my sister never even though she drove within 1 mile of that home every day 7 days a week! BIL's mom visited several times a week too. The day before mom passed my mom told me that my sister was far to busy with church and thats why she hadn't visited. I really don't know how my wife or BIL was able to put up with her for over 25 years each.

Rick
 
Good advice from others.

If it were me.

1. try being nice, if that don't work, see #2.
2. Treat her how she treats you. period.

Had a similar issue, problem solved. Every so often the waters get tested, and I fire right back. It would be easier being nice to each other, but the other side didn't want that.

By the way, it is my mother, not my mother in law. My mother in law is one of the nicest people you'd meet.

When I saw it happening I stepped right in and told my wife there was no reason she should have to deal with all the @#$% my mom dishes out.

You need to have your wife say something to your MIL, that she doesn't approve of the way the MIL acts or nothing will change. The MIL will continue unless your wife speaks up that she disapproves.

good luck,

Rick
 
In my case, a really good divorce lawyer. I tried, I really did but she hated me and the feeling became mutual. After about 5 or 6 years my ex began to side with her all the time. I put up with it about 6 more. I hate to say it but I saw where it was headed about 2 months before the wedding. I should have taken the hint then, but I didnt.
 
Don't do it. Can't loose your a$$ in a divorce if you aren't married. If you're determined to marry anyway, make sure she makes more than you. My ex found out that having a higher income put her on the hook of being made to pay alimony. Soon as her lawyer told her I could get it, she got really easy to negotiate with...
 
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