O/T Family Health Care Issues Long

My dad, 93, has been undergoing chemo for a blood myloma for the past couple of months. He's had some issues with his bowl functions--either constipation or diarhea. The doctor changed his meds to Medimusal and it seems to be working.

My brother called yesterday and asked if he thought it would help if he and his live-in came home and stayed til Dad gets on his feet.

My brother is 59 and his live-in is around 70. I think it's more of a surregate mom than a relationship. What raised a red flag is their apartment lease expires the end of the month and if they come back they won't renew their lease. My brother works for a temp service at minimum wage in Denver. He says he can do the same work here in Michigan.

My sister and my concerns are we don't know their finacial situation. Are they being evicted? Aslo have concerns about raiding Dad's bank account. That sounds cynical, but it has happened to others. Dad will need money if he has to eventually move to assisted living facilty. What is her health? Are we going to have to take care of her at some point? If Dad passes, how do we get them out of the house? Why wouldn't they sign their lease if they only planned to be here for a couple of months?

Dad's quite independent and she's quite bossy. I can see her taking over the furniture arrangement, food choices, etc. I think he would be miserable. My sister, me and nieces could check on him every day and help him run errands, etc. We're not comfortable with both of them coming back here. Any advice on how to deal with this? I'm not sure Dad would want them both here either.

Larry

Just tell them NO. You will handle it yourself.

Sounds like a train wreck in the making.

I'd discuss it with dad first- HE is the one who will have to turn them down, because its his house.

You should have a durable Power of Attorney for your dad, to give you control over things when (not if) he becomes incompetent. And to help fend off the hangers-on and ne'er do wells.

Feel free to borrow some of my people skills.. Something stinks....I can smell it clear over here. Tell them to stay where they are and you'll keep them informed on his condition. You can hire someone to check in on him cheaper than you can afford having family around............ I rub my crystal ball and see stuff slowly (or quickly) disappearing from the place.....

Good Luck,

Dave

A firm NO. Been through simular situations all my life. All it does is cause MAJOR problems and stress for everyone involved.

Your Dad is 93, if he is of sound mind , then he can make the decision. I believe he is well past the legal age for being an adult. It is HIS house and life. You have no more right than your brother or sister to decide what is right for him. I would just set down and talk with your DAD about what HE wants. That is what counts. IF he does not want them around then tell the brother to take a hike. If your DAD want them then you should talk over the ground rules he wants. Then help him enforce them. HE might be lonely or he might value the peace and quiet.

ASK HIM!!!!! that is all that counts. HE has enough going on without any other problems being foisted off on him, but make it his choice.

I am with you in thinking something is not right about the brother but involve your DAD.

There are worse things than alienating a family member, and one of those worse things is not alienating a family member when you should have.

My mother has been going through the same thing, Multiple Myleoma and Chemo. She contracted the C-Diff bacteria infection. Severe diahrea, It darned near killed her. Have your Dad tested immediately for C-Diff, Google it, I bet his symptoms are described there. She had to take a expensive drug to combat it. She's much better now. It is nothing to mess around with. Taking Mom to the Dr. this afternoon for a checkup. My email is open for more info. Goodluck...

I went through the same thing a couple years ago. My advice is talk to your dad and see what he want's and discuss your concerns with him. My kindness for my sister and her family cost me a lot of $ and created more stress and troubles than I care to mention. The brothers situation reminds me of my sisters and all my sis was looking for was a free ride and then she was of absolutly no help for our dad when it was desperatly needed. Escpecially when it came to helping out with him and paying bills. All I can say is good luck to you and yours and just watch things very closely and use common sense and things will work out for you.

Agreed.

Ask your dad what he thinks. I know if I tried to make living arrangements for my mother I'd be reminded real quick who was in charge.


As for the proposed living arrangement - (no offense) why the **** would you move a pair of bums in with your father?

Set up your dad's bank account with you as the co-signer of checks and withdrawals.....Your brother might have a major scam up his sleeve with his girlfriend.

Since he is your brother he has the same rights as you do so let Dad and your Brother work out what they want to do. Keeps a lot of happy in the family.
Walt

First ask your DAD what he wants. than make sure that you have the power to take care of his affairs. I went through that with my mother. and after the smoke cleard it cost my over $15,000 out of my pocket. I think I would just tell him that just stay in Denver and I'll take care of DAD with that kind of a job he isn't going to help much will only be a hinderence.
Family can be a pain. MOM gave my sister her house and the things in it was suposed to be divided between us Three days after she died I went to check on the house. Her and her Son had already cleaned the house out. So watch him. He might have the entention of doing just that.

As others have said, talk to your Dad. I think you should feel free to share your concerns. I have found that in my situation just saying my views and then just asking them (my Mother at this point)to think about it and then listening to what their thoughts may be has really made the decisions pan out for the best. If your dad trusts you, make sure you have power of attorney and are co-signer on the accounts.
Good Luck,
Andy

I would tell them NO also. Stay where you are. My wife used to do home health care. Saw more than one bank account vanish when a caring realitive showed up.One lady had her house cleaned out while in the hospital. Seems her drunk son needed the two hundred thousand dollars worth of belongings more than she did.

First question, I'm surprised nobody asked it: Do your brother and his girlfriend have drug or alcohol problems? If the answer is "yes", then you really already know the answer.

You and your brother both know his employment prospects here in Michigan are zilch. So he will be sponging off your dad. But that's not necessarily such a bad thing. It will be easier on you and your wife if your brother is staying with your dad, just understand that your brother will be in a position to take advantage of your father. Of course, from his point of view, YOU are in a position to take advantage of your dad.

You need to think a bit about your brother's motivation. It's possible he feels guilty about being away from your dad and wants to spend as much time as he can before your father passes away. It's equally possible that he figures now is the time to make his move on whatever assets your dad has.

Here's what I think, and I'm going to be blunt: I think your brother and his companions are drunks and/or addicts. That's why he can't hold a job and that's why he lives with a 70 year old girlfriend. His financial situation is pretty grim if he's working part-time minimum wage and living in Denver. He knows your dad doesn't have many years left; after all, the life expectancy of a 93 year old man in perfect health isn't much, and your dad is a sick man. At the very least he'll get a free ride for a few months. If things work out for him, he might end up with a place to stay for several years and maybe a little bit of money. I can guarantee he won't pack his bags when your dad passes away.

I'm sorry for being candid, but I don't have a gentler way to explain how I feel.

Simple answer. he asked if it would help... no everything is ok.Discuss it with your Father, us old buggers like our independence and solicitude. But it may be the time to think of an enduring power of attorney.
He has diarrohea, be careful of dehydration but I presume the Dr. would have his eyes on that.
Incidentally I just developed diarrohea last week, certainly unpleasant but fortunately I had some Imodium tablets in the drawer which said "best before 2003". took one after each passing and 4 tabs stopped it,.Check wikipedia for causes.

Read ...Solitude.

I would have a talk with your dad. Explain your concerns and make sure he knows your only thinking about his well being. If you or your sister or some of your family could check on him and help him out, spend a few hours a day with him that would probably be enough. From my experiance even when older they are set in their ways and routines and people moving in would be more of a bother to him then a help. I would also say that if he did let your brother and his woman move in then still visit everyday, see a lawayer to see what options you have. Maybe spend a little to save a lot in the future.
Like others I have a real bad feeling about your brother and his woman. Sounds like they are looking for a free ride if they can get it.
As far as him only doing part-time work through a temp agency that can happen. Due to health reasons I have had trouble finding a job I can handle. though did go back to college for computers just when the big high tech crash hit in 2000, very little work there now though I do work on computers on the side for extra money. I have done stints at Wal-Mart a couple of times now, a phone help line doing tech support. Going back to school for another course in computer programs, should be fun I am only 52 lol. But I am married, have my own house, broke most of the time but keep the bills paid. A person has to keep trying even when life throws a curve ball at you.
I guess my point is if your brother and his woman are just bums then really try to keep them out. If he has been trying to do the best he can then maybe not hurt to give him a break but sure sounds like he has just tried to slide through life the easy way and not do anymore then he had to. Be carefull I have seen and heard enough stories and have read in the paper the odd person charged for ripping off the elderly. That is serious and watched close up here in Ontario which is good. Good luck I wish you and your dad the best. Hope it works out.

One other thing, as I was typing the reply I was watching the movie Grand Torino with Clint Eastwood. The scene was where his kids were trying to talk him to going to an old folks home, telling him how much easier it would be for him. Also has a scene where his grand daughter wants the car, all the kids seem to have money but are greedy. He threw them out lol. Older independent people can be stubborn but know what they want, know a couple of them type, great people.

Thanks for all your responses. I do appreciate it. I don't believe drug/alcohol addiction is the problem, but they do like to gamble at Black Hawk. Maybe they lost all the money she had. And they just opened a Pottawatomie casino not far from Dad's house. I'm glad my concerns aren't just in my head and all of you see similar patterns. It will be my dad's decision and I don't think my brother has asked him yet. I think he was just testing the water.

Larry

I would talk to your dad and see what he has to say about it. My nephew told me about a similar story about an older lady he knows that lives in Delaware. Her daughter and son-in law moved in with her unannounced. They just took over the house and didn't pay any utilities. The son-in-law used her phone to call his relatives down South and never paid the phone bill. Her phone bill was over $300.00 for a month. My nephew told her to kick them out, but she moved out into an apartment. You need to make a decision
before your brother moves back to MI. They're looking for a free meal ticket. Hal

Good luck with your task. The gambling addiction can be as hideous as alcohol or drugs. While your Dad is of sound mind and can make his own decisions he most likely would be no match to any bullying, badgering, or coniving to get at his assets. The power of attorney is a help but he could be badgered into giving out another one, then you're defeated. Lots to consider. Best of wishes- joe-

As others said, only good response is "No, we can handle it". If they get into the house, they'll never leave. They've done the math and with your dad ailing AND 93, I'm sure they're looking at this as being a windfall for them.

I know of someone right now whose sister refused to give their father's checkbook back to him after he was sick for awhile. Amazing how people will take advantage of their own family after they have messed up their own lives. Plus, I'm in Michigan too. Temp jobs are harder to find here than anywhere in the country. He'll end up sitting in the house, eating/drinking your father's kitchen bare, watching TV.

Larry, you might check your State laws but in a lot of States after 10days people are no longer a "guest" but now are a "tenant" that has to be evicted. A Judge may/may not issue a eviction notice on her or your brother.

Lemons have 200 times more cancer fighting antibodies than most cancer medicines. Four months ago I was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I now no-longer bleed inside my bladder and it has been that way for 2mths now. I drank lemon water for the past 2mths.

In 6mths a trip back to the CT-scan will confirm if my "cancer" has gone away or not.

T_Bone