Made my mom cry

And it was not a happy cry.

Not one to air my dirty laundry but figure some of you have been threw this.
My 85 year old mom was diagnosed with dementia a while back.
My never married sister lives with my mom and dad now to help take care of them.
She still does most of her own cooking; laundry; house cleaning but under a watchful eye from my dad or sister.

90% of the time she is OK but if you catch her at the right moment you can tell she is not all there.
This has cause the doctor to pull her drivers license.
We had to put a lock on the mail box and inform the mailman not to give her any mail to prevent her access to the send us $20 to claim your million dollar prize junk mail.
We even blocked her phone where it will not work with any number not in her address book.
My dad took away her electric scooter because he found out she had opened a PO box and was using the scooter to go to the post office to get her junk mail.
So they have pretty much cut off all outside access to her that my dad or sister does not take her to.
Even with all these precautions we are still unable to stop her roaming the neighborhood 100% of the time.
She will get up at 6am while others are still sleeping and walk the 4 blocks to church just so she can be out on her own.

Then last Sunday she walked to church and got lost on her way home. She could not find home even though she was only 4 blocks away. Luckily she had her phone and a clear enough head at the time to call my dad for help.

So today I sat her down and told her she was not allowed to leave the house unless someone took her.
My sister and dad have told her this in the past but she just blows them off in protest.
Her response while holding back tears was she would not allow us to take away her freedom.
Said she would move out before she allowed that so I ask her where will you go.
I will just move into a home.
OK they can keep a eye on you but be forewarned it will not be pleasant.
I will get a court order if I have to that says you can not leave the premises.
Right now you still have it good. You are free to go anywhere you want; grocery; church; casino; friends house; you just need one of us to take you.
You elect to go into a home and you will be locked in and go no where till one of us gets around to visiting you.
I say this not to be mean but we fear for your safety.
With this she started crying; left the room; and locked herself in her bedroom.

I really felt bad but my dad and sister were thankful for my mom to see we all feel the same way.
Boy this sure was a whole lot easier when I was dealing with my own teenagers rather than having to treat my mother like I would a rebellious teenager.
I still feel real bad about the whole thing but am sure I did the right thing.
Time will tell how well it sunk in her sometimes not there head.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

I know how you feel. My wife and I took care of my Dad until I had to make the decision to put him in a nursing home. While taking care of him I made the statement I had raised my children and now I am TRYING to raise my Dad.

God bless

Walking is a great activity. Could find people who will take her for walks?

I walk at work with a coworker. I do most of the talking, but she appreciates the time I take her mind off of the other things.
SDE

Reminds me of an old guy no longer living I knew. In the middle of the night in the dead of winter he got up and walked about a mile from his house wearing only pajamas. At that point he knocked on someone's door. Lucky for him they answered and didn't shoot him or anything-- called 911.

John I feel your pain. Actually went thur that twice. Once with father in law then the mother in law several years later. Its so sad to see someone go thru that. Dont beat yourself up you did the right thing. You tell them those things because you love them. Just sad that its hard for them understand. Sometimes i wonder if its gods way to say ok everyone Im going to take them home but im going to give you a little time. And at the end its kinda of a blessing. If you have never gone thru it all i can say is be understanding to whats happening be loving and kind.

She may not even remember the talk when she comes out of her room. SIL wouldn't remember what you told her 5 minutes earlier but could recall things from her childhood clearly.

Bless you, dad, and sis for supporting each other and being a united front. You need to get your dad away from the situation to get him a break. Maybe take him to ann auction every couple of weeks or something. I know you would never do it, but don't forget the hard emotional work you sister does 24/7. A get away for every once in a while would be good.

went through that with my mom one yr ago. They both are in asstd living now. When I took her car keys away she couldn't even remember what they were called when she got mad at me! Mom would leave pans on the stove, lit. could only fry things. I caught her frying corn on the cob and my dad so confused he thought it was funny. I found the air cond. on during a snow storm WITH the cover on. Then she started seeing teenagers in the garden stealing. It was tough but they are safe now and she seems happy. Luckily they can afford it for now. Just did the same for an aunt and uncle in the same condition.

I'm dealing with a similar situation with my mom. I have to keep her checkbook with me at all times, and the file cabinet where all her important papers are, has to stay locked at all times so she can't get her bank information to give it to any scammer that calls her on the phone. I've had to explain to her that her regular vacuum cleaner isn't a shop-vac after I cleaned out the mold from some wet mess she had vacuumed up with it. I have to go through her pills every week to make sure she's taking the right ones and she's not missing doses. She has voluntarily stopped driving, but that means I also have to do all her shopping for her. It all started when I had to get authorized to pay her bills because she was "putting them in a safe place" and then getting disconnect notices because she was forgetting to pay them.

I have made my mom cry a few times while dealing with her. She got upset when I explained that the psychics with offshore addresses wanting her to send them money were scammers. She got upset when I explained to her that The Amazing Kreskin has more money than she'll ever see, and that she didn't need to sent her money to him, either.

And some days, after I get home, it has me on the verge of tears as well. My brother lives 125 miles away, and he and Mom haven't been on good terms for 30 years...so he doesn't care. My sister lives 1200 miles away, and she can't take care of any of this stuff from that distance. If something happens to me, who's going to deal with Mom's day-to-day needs? That thought scares me to death.

We had to put my Dad in an Alzheimer's unit the last year of his life. My Mother had passed away 4 years earlier from breast cancer. There were times he got so ------ that no one told him Mom had died. He was at the funeral. It was like his mind slipped a gear. We kept an eye on him while he was out on the farm but he started making crank phone calls and we knew he couldn't go without a phone. We tried assisted living but he only lasted a few hours before he left to walk home. It's sad but sometimes very necessary

My mom has dementia as well since about 2010. She has been legally blind since 1978. Been taking care of her (and dad when he was here) since about 1988. Now my sister is helping the majority of the time. I know a lot of what you mentioned and others had mentioned here. It isn't easy. Some days they are there and other days you don't even know who is looking at you any more. You did what you had to do. It will sink in some days. There will be a lot of repeating it as you probably already know. It is hard to slowly "lose" a parent that way.

John I feel your a man that truly cares for your Mother. You doing what is "Best" for her. Your Father, sister and yourself have to do that. It is no fun. Your Mother is losing her ability to be safely free. So you will have to balance her true needs against her "wants". This is always hard and it is harder with those you love.

I have had to do the same type of things twice in my life and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. So try to keep the big picture in mind when you have a rough day. Her quality of life is much better in her own home over any type of nursing care. She does not have the ability to adjust to new things and any type of nursing home care would be hard for her to get used to. So work with your Father and sister to provide her care jointly so no one of your gets over whelmed.

I feel for you and can relate.

My suggestion is the next time she talks about moving into a home is not to scare her away from it though. So many of our elderly parents will only go if made to. Don't know if she was being melodramatic or was serious but it may be time to embrace the idea.

I will say I recently moved my mother to a assisted care facility and the fact that she has someone there 24/7 is a great relief to me.

jt

Your doing the right thing John. I have done a lot of work around Alzheimer's homes.Sad to see what happens to some people. Made many friends at most of the homes. Would stop and visit. Five minutes later they didn't even know you.

John your not the only one dealing with a parent with dementia. My mother in law lives with us now and your story could have been mine. She'll be 91 on the 28th and I think she'll make to 100 easy. She was an excellent cook, have to keep her away from the stove, cant remember how. Went to store, can't remember how to get back. Tell stories over and over, in an hour, but will keep it up all day. Many times the story isn't true and if the wrong person was to hear it, we might be in jail for a while. Made her cry lots of times, telling her she can't do things or having to scold her for what she did. It sure isn't fun but we do it because we love them.

Thoughts and prayers are with You and your family. We had Mom and Dad for two years and Dad was difficult sometimes but only a little child like.
Ron

I feel for you John. We had to make that same desision with my mother. The good news, at least for us, was that after we got her in the home she was much happier.

You just need to do what my Dad did for my Mom 20+ years ago to stop that romaing. He got a dead bolt lock for both doors that you have to use a key to open from both the inside and outside and keep that key in your pocket where she cannot get ahold of it. You should still be able to get those locks and in private home should be legal. Mom did not make a sound for the last several years and had to be spoon fed as she could not remember even how to eat. It is sad. Dad kept her at home till he got cancer and could not take care of himself.

BTDT. You do what you have to do. Horribly unpleasant making these kinds of decisions, but it has to be done. Makes my heart ache knowing what you are going through.

jon
Thanks
A home would be a prison sentence for my mom.
She has always been the go where she wants type of lady.
In fact she called my dad a stick in the mud because he did not want to go some places.

Now she can not even go to church by herself.

John in LA,

We had to do quite a few similar things before my mom passed away. Not easy from her perspective or our perspective.

Please keep one thought in your heart - this person that you are dealing with is not your mom. She is no longer the same person you grew up knowing and loving. So all you can do for her now is make the best decisions possible under the circumstances... and I think you are doing that.

Thanks SweetFeet

"She is no longer the same person you grew up knowing and loving"

Yes and as her child that is the hardest realization to come to grips with.
Its easy to be a parent to a child. You go in knowing a child may not understand "WHY"
It is hard to be a parent to someone that you always looked to for guidance and knowledge.

My mom still understands the rules we may set.
She just does not understand "WHY" the rule was made.

Thanks Buzzman72

My sister took over paying all the bills and pretty much took away all access to anything of value.

My mom now has a notebook full of all the money my sister has stolen from her.
If you were to read the note book and believe it I will be richer than Bill Gates after my parents die.

Just one example....
50 silver dollars worth over $20,000 each.

Does she like going some where with some one???? If she does could the three of you go walking with her each day or take her on several "trips" each week??? IF your time is limited then maybe hire someone to actually go with her on some short trips like to buy food or stuff. Maybe this will help a little as she can still go some places with supervision. I agree with you that putting her in a home while she does still has better days would be hard and almost cruel.

I am dealing with this with my father currently. We are luck in that we have him in assisted living right now and he is happy. He can visit others of his age much easier than he could in the country. This includes several lady friends. LOL (HE has been single for years. He was married twice after my Mother and he divorced.) It is kind of funny when he and his lady friends have "bad: days where they do not remember anything for the days before. They start "dating" all over again. New day new date, even thought they just spent the day before together. LOL

John, There have been a couple of posts here, although well intentioned,that are inaccurate concerning dementia. Please take some time to speak with your mother's medical caregiver, do some research on your own and maybe consider attending a seminar at a local assisted living facility so that you will have an understanding of dementia which can be caused by one of several different diseases such as Alzheimer's. There will be some very trying times ahead and any preparedness and knowledge that you and your family invest in now will be well worth it. My mom and both of my in-laws suffered dementia due to Alzheimer's disease. A book I suggest that is well written and really helped my wife and me was "Alzheimer's from the Inside Out" by Richard Taylor. Very easy reading (needed in my case) and explained the disease's progression through an actual person diagnosed and suffering with dementia.

Thanks JD Seller

I live about 50 miles from them so I do not get over there as often as I would like but I do go as often as I can. I cut there grass for them so that makes me go at least once every 2 weeks.

My mom does go several places.
She does all the grocery shopping and wants to. Just now my dad has to tag along to drive her.
There is a service where we can drop her off at a bus pickup point that takes elderly to the casino; where she likes going from time to time; brings them to a casino and makes sure they get back on the bus for the ride home.
We have her enrolled in a elderly day care where she can go and be with people her age and talk or play games. She can go or not go depending on how she feels that day.

The main problem we are having at this point is not getting her out the house; it is taking her independence away so she can not go by herself when and where she feels like going.
In fact I told her if you ever want to go somewhere and my sister or dad refuses I am only a phone call away. My wife babysits grandkids but does not work so she could be there in 1 hour if I could not.

I also questioned if there was a underlying reason why she needed to go by herself.
I am not sure but suspect she is still trying to play the scam game.
She can not understand that someone would scam you.

I asked her a while back why she said sent so and so $20.
Her answer was I won a contest and the $20 was to process and send me my prize.
When told it is a scam she rebuts it with I have it in writing right here. I won!!
She has even gone as far as to say my sister got to the mail before her and stole her million dollar check.
I kind of chuckled and wanted to tell her; but bit my tongue; thinking...
If my sister had a million dollars do you think she would still be here putting up with this $hit. LOL

The time to move a parent to a facility is very personal and I didn't mean to suggest that you do anything. For us the last straw was one day in the middle of winter, it was well below zero, and she wanted to get her mail but the door was froze shut. She then opened the living room window and climed out, but before she got back she forgot about the window and couldn't get back in. We were lucky that a neighbor saw and called so it all turned out ok, but that was the eye opener for us. What we realized afterward was that we weren't keeping her home for her, she was beyond knowing most times by then, but we were doing it to make ourselves feel better. We didn't want to feel like we abandoned her. That caused us to keep her home longer than we should have.

When we were in high school over 40 years ago, my friend's grandpa wandered out in the middle of a January night on the way out to the farm that he hadn't lived at in decades. Another friend and his dad were going to do morning chores at another farm found him in a snowbank on the edge of the road in just his long underwear. He was blue and dead. He had a daughter living with and taking care of him in town. He just slipped out. Safety for your mother is the first priority. I think he was 90, the oldest person, I knew.

SO well put. My mom and dad passed away last July. Mom with a clear head of aggressive cancer, Dad of frontal Lobe Dementia. He was so far from the gentleman he had been. Difficult times with aging are going to be standard operating procedure from now on. Peace Jim

Roy You will see that you gained nothing by setting her down and telling her just how it is. We went threw it with my mother. Not a good thing to deal with. At first she still had her car, She would drive off to god knows where until the car ran out of gas then she would run the battery down trying to start it, then she would call AAA how come she remembered that number we will never know. I could go on and on about this but you have enough with out our troubles. Good luck to you sir as you will need it, They told us that it last 7 years on average and that was how long it was when she died. We had to put her in a home and what a fight that was. After a couple weeks there we went to take her out to dinner and she said no because those old people in there need me. That was one lucky thing that happened.

John,

Your's is a sad situation. Or rather, should I say that your Mother's is a sad situation. And it's never fun or nice to make Mom cry. Been there, done that, never ends with a good feeling.

My sister's father-in-law died about ten or fifteen years ago from what they first thought was Dementia, and then Alzheimers. Alzheimers is often the given diagnoses when nothing else can be found to explain it, but truth be told that Alzheimers can't actually be proven until a post-mortem, autopsy. What science has found that in the cases of Alzheimers is that there is an increased aluminum content in the brain matter, but again, that can't be found or determined until an autopsy is performed. In the case of my sister's late father-in-law, what actually was going on was that he was having non-stop mini strokes that slowly deteriorated his brain until he passed away. But in his case as he slowly failed, he lost job after job because he was thought to be a screw up, but really wasn't. I didn't know that he was having problems and one year at a Christmas gathering at my sister and brother-in-laws house, had a recording of the movie "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", the year that it came out. As the others feasted, he and I sat in the TV room and laughed our tails off. Then after it finished, he decided that he wanted to take a walk, so my bother-in-law went with him. I didn't think a thing about it, but then my sister pulled me off to the side and told me that he began getting lost on walks withing a couple or few blocks of his house. At the time, they didn't know or understand what was happening to and with him. In time, he would call 9-1-1 because there would be a strange woman in his him that he didn't know and didn't belong there...his wife of 30 or 40 years, which broke her heart. And the last straw was when she got a call at work from a neighbor that he was walking around the neighborhood in his underwear, after she dressed and fed him, then went to work. Because they lived alone, the boys grown and married, she put him in a nursing home where he lasted and slowly deteriorated over a period of about ten years, and then passed. His wife didn't miss a lunch or dinner with him that entire time, even though he stopped recognizing her and their sons years before his passing. Its a sad, sad thing. So far my family has been spared.

Bless you and yours. Bless your sister and father. Bless your mother. Making Mom cry, well...

Mark