Here's a funny....

This long winded preacher was on one of his "better" days, almost two hours of his impression of a sermon. Finally a young man in the back row, who was a former baseball pitcher but too wild a pitcher to be playing,noticed a song book in the rack and threw it as hard as he could at the preacher. He thought that might stop him. Well, having poor aim he hit a dear old saint sitting on the front row , knocking her out and out of her pew.He immediately ran to her aid, apologizing profusely and asking her , "What could he do?" She soon opened her eyes and slowly said, "Hit me again in the head, I can still hear him preaching!"

Good one.
Ron

wish I had that one yesterday

That is funny.
Reminds me of an evangelist showed up at a revival in a small town on a stormy cold night.
The services were to start and only one person was there, that being an old rancher. After waiting an hour and no one else showed the preacher ask the rancher if he should preach or just call it off. The rancher replied. If I go to feed the herd and only one cow shows up I feed it. The preacher commenced to preaching and kept it up for over two hours. After he finally finished he asked the rancher how the sermon was. The rancher drew back a little and replied, I said if I went to feed the herd and only one cow came I fed her but I never fed her the whole load.

nothing like messing with the preacher. in my younger days my dad worked for a church.one of the jobs was cleanup after mass somehow i got volunteered to do that . one sunday up in the choir loft father tim was laying it on good and strong and when he had them at the high point and everybodys attention was on him i waved and well you know when you wave at somebody they will wave back.
one other real bad one karen was a real nice girl collage professor went to church everyday knew ever priest and nun in the area .one night sister agness ran short of teachers for religon classes and karen happened to be visiting father tom well she got volunteered to teach afterwards father tom decided to introduce this farm boy to the collage professor . i looked him in the eye and told him the last time we meet was in a bar in dubuque. well there was one very confused priest he was patting his hair looking at the confessional and it didnt help when karen started to laugh you see there was a volleyball game in dubuque that got rained out and every body went to bowling alley/bar . was that ever a relief to that priest.
and then there is the kids who under threat from the parents finnally quited down untill somebody waved at them . church was so much fun

Preacher Harry was well into a long winded sermon. Deacon Louie proceeded to get up and leave.
Preacher Harry hollered “Where are you going, Deacon Louie?”
“To get a hair cut” he replied.
“You should have got a haircut before you came” said Preacher Harry
“Ah”, proclaimed Deacon Louie, “ I didn’t need a haircut when I came”

A preacher was driving down a road, and his car got to weaving around to a point where a Deputy Sheriff pulled him over.

"Have you been drinking?", the Deputy asked,

"No Sir," replied the preacher.

The Deputy then inquired, "Then what's in that bottle on the seat?"

The preacher said, "Drinking water".

The Deputy asked for the bottle and the preacher handed it over. The Deputy pulled the cap, sniffed the contents, and proclaimed, "This isn't water, this is wine!"

"Praise the Lord", the preacher said, "He did it again!"

A good sermon starts will a good beginning and ends with an Amen, with very little time in between.

Preacher driving the road down glanced into his rear view mirrow and a drunk vas zag zigging all over the road, the preacher vasn't looking ahead and he came up on a curve and ran the road off.
The drunk stopped and vent down the hill to help preacher oat of car, he axed the preacher if he vas ok and the preach said, "I have the lord riding vith me." the drunk said "yo better let him ride vith me, your driving might get him killed.

A preacher delivered a sermon on loving thy neighbor. As he was finishing up he ask "is there anyone in the congregation who can honestly say they have no enemies"? 98 year old Emma raised her hand. The preacher ask her to stand and ask "Emma, you have no enemies"? She replied with a simple "no". He then says, "Emma, would you please tell everyone how you have lived to be 98 and have no enemies"? Emma replies "I outlive all them witches"!

Rick

A preacher had really bad teeth and finally had them all pulled and had some dentures made.

The first Sunday after the procedure, he told the congregation that his gums were REALLY sore and the sermon might take 5 minutes if he could stand it that long.

The second Sunday, he soldiered on and got through a 10 minute sermon.

The third Sunday, he got up and preached a whiz-bang sermon, still going strong after 2 hours.

Later, a parishioner asked him what had happened.

Preacher sez, "Well, the first Sunday, as you know, I hurt pretty bad and cut it short. The second Sunday, things were starting to heal and I managed for a bit longer. The third Sunday, I put my wife's dentures in by mistake and couldn't shut up!"

That was good ... I liked them all

An Evangelical preacher in Northern Ireland preaching about the demon alcohol....He said all types of acohol should be thrown in the river no matter how much it polluted the river...He went on and on about this demon alcohol for about an hour....Then he announced that we would sing the next hymn, number 263 in your hymn books....The chorus went something like 'Shall we gather at the river, the beautiful, the beautiful river'

Old preacher again preaching about the sinful harm alchohol does....He got up into the pulpit and place two glasses of crystal clear liquid in front of him on the pulpit, then reached into his gown and took out a matchbox.... He announced that he had gin in the glass on his left and pure water, or, as he liked to call it, 'Adam's ale' in the glass on his right. He opened the matchbox and very carefully lifted out two healthy earthworms, placing one in each glass! The worm in the water wriggled about, but the one placed in the gin curled up and died in the bottom of the glass. He rescued the living worm out of the water and took the dead worm out of the gin....holding both up for the congregation to see, one hanging in his left hand limp and dead the other in his right hand still wriggling and full of life...."What my friends does that prove to you about alchohol?" he boomed out of the pulpit....The congregation sat quiet....except for old Fred in the back seat....He stood up and announced, so everyone could hear...."It proves to me that the more gin you drink, the less bother you will have with worms!!!!!"