OT: What is going on?

LonM

Member
Hello, I have gotten a lot of good out of this
site for the information and advice within it. I
have learned from others problems but now I have a
problem of my own: I was going out with a girl
last winter but after awhile we (she) decided we
should be just friends. She was getting back
together with an old boyfriend. Throughout the
summer we became closer friends and have relied on
one another for advice and support, mostly
everyday issues. She broke up with her boyfriend
and within a month I asked her out again. She got
very upset and said she wanted to date other guys.
However, she gets upset that when we are together
I don"t hold her or try to be affectionate. To me
it seems she wants the best to both worlds and I
am not comfortable with her flirting with and
texting other guys when we are together. I really
care a lot about her but it seems like she has
lost interest, though she says she sees a future
with me. By the way she is 23 and I am nearly 30.
Is anyone familiar with a similar situation, and
how did you/ would you handle it? Thanks!
 
Sounds to me like that LonM is the dinner & movie ticket source when there is no better offer available. I would move on down the trail.
 
Thinking she doesn"t know what she wants... Better let it go. Find someone worthy of you, that wants a committed relationship. But I"m not Ann Landers.

Good luck!
 
You are being used for what amounts to a free (for her) escort service, only without the "friends with benefits" privileges. And trust me on this one....she knows what she's doing. It won't get any better, but it will get worse. Dump her. She's not worth the trouble.
 
Never let yourself be the second choice for anyone. It will a marriage or relationship straight from below.

You"re merely a cash cow that will be dumped when someone else catches her eye.

Listen to the other posters and run while you have a chance.
 
Run as fast as you can! You are a checkbook to her and someone to get a nite out when there isn't anyone else to take her out I know by experence and it still hurts!
 
I think you need to do a benefit to risk analysis.
1. what are your requirements in a future wife? Good looking, home body, dotes on you, 100% loyal, good partner, kids, work/salary management,dance partner, camping, etc.

2. If she selects you for a husband, how does she stack up against your requirements?

If the answer is that she fits your requirements, then I would continue to see if I could steer the relationship in my direction with a 2 year window. At the end of 2 years, I would cut the cord and look for other candidates.

Also, what are the benefits you are getting today in the relationship, are they worth another 2 years of uncertainty?

Sometimes being 2nd best and getting the prize is well worth while.
 

Dude........ You's a chump and she's prolly tellin folks that while she's texting in front of you..... Better just cut all ties... In some states that I won't mention, you's old enough to be here daddy anyway...Lyle may crack ya a deal on a sheep or two... they may be a little easier on your sensitive side :roll:
 
Friends are nice.
Life partners are serious in both directions
She was 12 when you were 20--- that difference is still there. Ad would be till you are 40 and she is 33. At that point there might be a chance that she can see your reality clearly. Jim
 
For whatever it's worth, this is the closest to a unanimous agreement I've ever seen on this website.

ALL of us have been in a similar situation at one point or another in our lives. I know of no one who came out on the winning end. Cut your losses.

Try this on for size...See if she'll agree to start paying YOUR way on a few occasions. I guaranty she'll disappear so fast you'll wonder if she was ever there in the first place. To her, you look like a debit card.
 
Throw the wench out of the car, with it moving. There are plenty of other women out there that will (may) like you. She just wants to be friends with you so that you will be the fill in guy for when she breaks up with another and another. She doesnt respect you..........dont give her the time of day.
 
I have had two girlfriends since my wife died.
First one thought she could eat and sleep while I did all the work.
Second one thought that I should report everything I do. To her every evening.Then she would tell who I could talk to and how much I could spend. She had no job.

Helped both of them pack the bags and waved goodby as they drove down the street. Looking for another sucker. You should do the same.
 
Like most say, RUN, don"t walk to the next exit. She is just using you until some one else comes along BTDT Being friends does"t mean lovey dovey.
 
Take her on a date to the city dump and leave her there. I got divorced in 2000 and met several others, two of whom I spent four years each with. After wasting eight years of my life with them and two hundred and fifty thousand dollars on them they dumped me. I am still looking but you can be sure I learned my lesson the hard way. Next one is going to have a job and spend money on me. Not the other way around. Save yourself some heartache and cut all ties now!
 
Sounds like she is still young and wants to play the field some. I would agree with the others and move on.

I've seen this happen, In about 5-10 yrs she may decide things might work out BUT If you have found someone else, stay put and don't let this one cause you anymore pain. :wink:
 
She is using you as a crutch until she finds another boyfriend. When that boyfriend dump her, she comes running back to you, while she is shoppng for "something better".

She wants you around and single so when she gets dumped she is not alone, this all equals, low self-esteem on her part.

RUN!!!!!!!!!! FAST!!!!!!!!!!!

There are plenty of girls out there that arent like that. Go find one, this one isnt it. Good luck.

Rick
 
Sounds like you are the security blanket, while she is looking for a better deal.

Doesn't sound like you have much future here if you atre looking for a life partner.

Both of you need to decide either go or get off the pot, sounds like you have your answer. Sounds like shwe has decided, and you're just security at this point, not anything special.

Hard as that is to face.

--->Paul
 
As RayP stated, she doesn't know what she wants---.but it's not you. You may be close to what she wants, but not close enough. Even if you did end up together it would be because she felt she had run out of options and just "settled" for you. Move along, and don't get trapped in that "staying friends" business either.
---the Ole Pro
 
Now I'm shirr not saying that women are like cows but they shirr do have one thing in commen...

You can get them to do any thing THEY want to...

And according to some of the women i know us men have some issue's also...soooooo

Now don't get me wrong,,,,I like women... But its still hard to beat a good blue heeler dog.. :p
 
Lon,(sorry so long)

If I was your mom (and I'm 48, so theoretically, I could be)... I would say that you should cut all ties with her. She is too young and wants to be a kind of wild and play the field. She wants to explore/experience life... but it sounds like you are ready to settle down. The whole on-again off-again relationship indicates to me that she is just using you when she has nothing better going on at the moment. Plus, the whole "friends with benefits" is a totally foreign idea to me. If that makes me old fashioned then that is ok with me.

I think I saw it best described in Reader"s Digest: "If you are searching for the love of your life...STOP!!! Start doing things that you love to do - that is when you will find someone with common interests that you can fall in love with."

So get involved in something you love to do... (tractor shows, hiking, photography, whatever interests you) or maybe some new adventure. Enjoy your singleness and be confident. And though guys are visually oriented...uhm, remember that beauty is only skin deep. You also want to spend your life with someone who has common goals, interests, a good work ethic, and a lot of brain cells between her ears. (My cousin, a really shy guy took public speaking lessons and dancing lessons to help him overcome it. He later met his wife dancing... they have been married over 25 years, have 3 kids and seem to have a great relationship).
 
Or,like I've said on here so many times,women won't give up a sure thing til they have another sure thing.
 
I agree.............it looks like a dead end....but I like to have a little fun in the hunt..(once a hunter, always a hunter!) Next time she wants to get together..tell her you have a date and won't be available...and then disappear for the night where she won't find you..see how she handles that! My guess is she will be all over you the next time you meet up...I don't mind playing games if I am the dealer.......
 
Thanks for all the input so far. To clear things up she has been good about paying for things right along so I don't see her as working the money angle here. She is a hard worker and I respect her family. She has been wronged in the past by someone with empty promises so I understand her being guarded, but even all of this i'm telling you cannot explain her odd behavior. I think she is unsure but I am still apprehensive of it all and don't want to get into a big mess. Thanks for the responses!
 
It ain't going anywhere you want, move on, the longer you hang around the more it's going to hurt when you figure this out. You're 30, she's 23 you are both at different points in your life and it doesn't appear she's ready to grow up and move into the adult/settle down/responsibilities/kids phase of life you are in. I've been happily married for 23 years, we got married when I was 30. To make a long story short I left the farm and the area I grew up in for good when I was 24, I joined the Air Force, got commissioned and was stationed about 6 hours from home, and not to far from a far sized University, plenty of younger Coeds. Having already gone through college and having an Air Force career was somewhat of a barrier between me and the coeds, they were where I was 4-5 years earlier, after I while I even stopped trying. I was 28 when I met my wife, she was 34, but we both had been out of college about the same amount of time and were both in the same phase of life, build a career, settle down, accept responsibilities, wanting kids..... Had I met her when I was 16, or 18 or 20 or even 24 our relationship wouldn't of worked. I also warn you to be wary of Women that are right at 29 or 30, it's a milestone they don't want to face single and they get a little freaky about it at that age, maybe a little to willing to rush into something they wouldn't a few years earlier or later. And if you insist the easiest way to make yourself more attractive to her is to move on to someone else. I don't know what it is I think women can smell it on a guy if he's seeing someone else. About the time I started dating Mrs wisbaker some of my fellow single lady officers that previously wouldn't give me the time of day were a lot more friendly. Or maybe it's cause they were coming up on the big 30! And it's not like Mrs wisbaker spent much time out at the base, she lived several hours away so I don't think it's because they saw us together.
 
Sounds like a friend of mine. He and his wife split, she was sleeping around. He started seeing a younger woman. He owns his own business ,has a home and is financialy stable. Wasn't too long they split up and she had taken up with another guy. When asked why she spilt with John and took up with Joe, her answer was OH! Joe has a HARLEY!!!
 
Probably a lot of guys are the same way so don't want to pick on one side (edit - couldn't use the word I had there!) or the other - people in general are that way.

But I agree with your comment as far as it goes.

I found a good one, I don't think I've spent 'any' on her over what she's spent on me, she doesn't like small shiny things and shops Runnings or other Fleet & Farm stores for most of her clothes, enjoys stuff I enjoy.

Hope I treat her 1/2 as good as she treats me.

--->Paul
 
You're her back up guy until she finds someone she'd rather be with. If she's texting and flirting with other guys when she's with you, is very rude and inappropriate. Did her boyfriend break it off with her for the same reason? Probably best to let her go her her own way. She can't just keep you on the back burner in case other relationships don't work out.
 
Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too.

She's too young to know what she wants. If you enjoy her company let it ride while your looking for some one better.

Turnabout is fair play.
 
never be that dependent on that woman. dump her and dump her quick or my as my granddad used to say "get shed of her".
 
She said it " we should be just friends". Don"t be the patsy, just keep it on a platonic friendship basis. Don"t let her troubles become yours..
 
When we're young and in love, we do a lot of foolish things. I spent a year and a half in a similar on-again, off-again relationship. I was engaged to this girl three times in that span.

Take it from the guys who've been there, done that: leave this one behind NOW. Apparently this one will never be completely satisfied with you; the grass will ALWAYS be greener on the other side of the fence to her. Better to understand that NOW rather than after you get married; it's a LOT cheaper this way.

In my case, the girl in question finally married the last guy she left me for. But she was never really happy with him, and finally divorced him...and she's not happy now, either. As for me, I found someone who loved me, married her, had two kids with her, and stayed with her until she died way too young from heart problems, after 14-1/2 years of marriage. I remarried, and the current wife and I have 18 years on the books and counting.

And I've never looked back wondering "What if..." Because that's not productive...but looking forward with the one who loves me IS productive.
 
Wow, I had to read the OP twice! This is almost word for word, and detail by detail what I went through a few years back with a female.

Kick her out of your life NOW! Completely, no more anything.

I have been down this road, and it does not get better. Unfortunately the one from my past will not stay gone. In my case, I tried to help a female get her life back on track after she was in a horrific accident that was not her fault. She lied to me from the very beginning, and used me as a 'crutch' (no pun intended) whenever she messed up and wanted someone to make things better.

One of the rare times in my life when my mind had to tell my heart it was over. It was not easy.

Best of luck to you, I hope that something in my post was helpful.
 
If you are thinking 30 is old and you need to do something relax, you have plenty of time to find a woman who wants to build a life with you. This woman you have described is a user and, like all users, selfish. I would politely tell her I have better things to do with my time other than listen to her problems and be a stand in when her phone hasn"t rung. All she is doing is wasting your time and preventing you from meeting another woman.
 
In this life there are givers and there are takers.
You are a giver and this taker is taking you for granted and a ride.

sweetfeet had the best advice. Stop looking and do what you like to do best. The right lady will notice and "fall" for you.

This bit of advice I pass on to all young guys.
Looks matter most for GF"s, compatibility most for wives.

The best mates come from large families and later in the birth order.
Only child"s are to be avoided.
Best girls to marry are the ones who had at least a few brothers, some of which who were less then pearly white. That way when you act like a man she is familiar with that kind of behavior.

And, oh, btw, Your MAN CARD is hereby revoked until further notice.

Pete
 
Well LonM. You are just the teaser bull. Just there to keep her all warmed up and ready for the next " real" thing. IF you where the right man for her she would know it now and not be looking at other men.

DUMP her right now. A good friend of mine has wasted the last twenty-five years on a woman just like this one. She had a little girl that was just a few years old (father was a bad boy that ran when she got preggers) and he fell in love with the whole family package. He married her. She was alright with it for about six months to a year. She then kicked him to the curb for the next "BAD" boy she got hot for. My friend actually paid her support for the little girl just to be able to get to see the little girl. So lets fast forward. The woman goes through 6-7 more men. Another "bad" boy gets her pregnant again. She has another little girl. My friend starts to take both girls every other weekend. The woman then finds her next sugar Daddy. she marries this guy and moves a 600 miles away, has another daughter. My friend, the sucker, moves so he can see the kids. She gets divorced and she all of a sudden wants my friend back. The DUMB butt remarries her. It lasts two years until the next door neighbor/bad boy gets her motor running again.

She finally admits to my friend that his only attraction for her is that he is mister regular guy that always can be counted on to provide for her. She really is not attracted to him but what he can provide her.

So here is the grand sum of him and her. He is 55 years old. No biological kids of his own. Last of his family's name too. He is past the age that he wants to have any new kids. So he has three step daughters that he loves but nothing else after fooling with this woman for 25 years. Now that her looks are starting to fail she is trying to get him back again but he finally has seen the light and just laughs at her actions now.


This could be you real easy if you keep valuing yourself so low that you put up with her crap. Have more self respect than to let her walk all over you. Dumper her and move on.
 
I am 33 and have cane to the conclusion pi$$ on em I don't need I don't want em I've been in that same thing more than once Wish I could have been born 50 years ago when girls were worth a rats a$$ Girls today need men for two things one they can get made out of plastic and the other they can get at AI service
 
LonM, been there, done that. Take my advice, RUN, don't walk away. A gal just like her ripped my heart out and stomped it, I'm ashamed to say, on more than one occasion. You're only good to her when she can't find some POS bad boy to give it up to. You're still young with a future. I, on the other hand, am 49 and it's made me bitter beyond repair. Don't let her do that to you. Move on, find someone who appreciates you all the time, not just when you're convenient.
 

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