blue water massey
Well-known Member
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age,
or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new
brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic
jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly
off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into
choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been
permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117V AC power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-
tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips
rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off
their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod
to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human
flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lots of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need
after a really big hammer
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed
of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age,
or for perforating something behind and beyond the original intended target object.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major
refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new
brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic
jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly
off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into
choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been
permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117V AC power to shock the mechanic
senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-
tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips
rusty bolts which were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds off
their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in
order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod
to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human
flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lots of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need
after a really big hammer
