John T

Well-known Member
I'm tired of all my electricity yakkin (Im sure you are also lol) so wanted to post this e mail a buddy sent me, its long winded (like me) but it really hits home.

Grandmas Thanksgiving Invitation

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.
NOT 2:15
NOT 2:05
Two - 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47 percent of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups will have names printed on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I won't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: when I say, "You don't need to bring anything," means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love you,
Grandma AND GRANDPA (don't drink all my beer)

John T
 
So what do you do about the relative who's been listening to Alex Jones too much and packs up his entire family after everyone mocks his ridiculous conspiracy theories? True story.

(Actually this one solved itself. His wife left him, he spends Thanksgiving alone while she and the kids us join us for dinner.)
 
No one brings alcoholic beverages to my house and stays to enjoy it! I am highly allergic to it; even the smell can make me sick.

Holidays are not made as an excuse to drink. The TV stays off when we have guests. Kids are watched - although I might be the only one doing the watching! If you are going to talk and ignore your kids, do it at home - not at someone else's house.
 
If you boil it down to its simplest terms, it is about respect.

One sister hosts Thanksgiving and another hosts Easter and Christmas is at Dad's. Last year, the one sister said she is done hosting Thanksgiving. She became a nurse after the kids were gone and she does not know what shift she will be working until a week before Thanksgiving. So I don't think she is being selfish. BUT I do not think I want to go to her house any more either.

Thanksgiving seems to be an opportunity to overeat and be around people who you don't see real often. Maybe there is a reason we don't see them very often.
SDE
 
Darn if I know what to tell you Mark...I thought the e mail was hilarious. What if they listen to nothing but CNN and NPR and Tavis Smiley and the Reverend Al Sharpton???? Wonder how Grandma in the above joke would handle that???

Maybe Grandma in the above doesn't allow Religion or Politics discussion at the dinner table GOOD ADVICE ID SAY, that way no hard feelings regardless of ones religious or political beliefs.

I say live and let live, to each their own, look at history and form your own conclusions. Do as the left suggests, be more tolerant, respect diversity, don't impose your values on others.

God Bless you, have a happy thanksgiving, glad you liked the joke, I was tired of electricity so wanted to have a little non controversial funnnnnn

John T, Christian Conservative Patriotic Fuddy Duddy and so proud and happy for it
 
I enjoyed this and it has some parallels to what is expected at our house. TV off during the meal no cellular devices at the table. Just being thankful that we can all get together and thankful for what God has provided for us.
 
Fawteen, you sound like my family. I think we'd all fit in at your table. My Granny and Grandpa are long gone, and My wife and I are the 'oldsters' now, and this is very good advice.
 

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